Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

Can you ask her how she's like you to respond? How she'd like things to be different in the relationship?

If I'm out walking with my husband and he's cold I often take his hand to give him some warmth. I guess it's just a small gesture but it makes him happy.

How do you respond when she says she's cold? Obviously you can't change the weather but di you show that you care in some way?

Of course its nicer .. no one to nag him about all the shit he does. And yes if a woman posted it would be a different 'vibe' because it tends to be (not always of course) the woman picking up all the slack around the house. P.s when I was a stay at home I too had a cleaner it don't mean there's no load , she came once a week.. it was just some help when no one else in the house helped!!

Where did I say that?

Most posts paint me as a nasty oaf - and maybe I am - but no one has said it's unfair for your wife to leave for weeks at a time.

I'd offer my gloves and scarf if she doesn't have any but she usually declines or has gloves.

Id keep listen and try to change the subject... I sorta don't know what else to do...

It would’ve been a totally different answer had the roles been reversed abs the OP was upset her DH goes off for weeks on end. Leaving her working full time and doing all the life admin, looking after children.

Honestly, the victim blaming on this post is unreal.

For some it’s just

man = wrong

End of conversation.

I think it's reasonable to feel the way you do and your feelings are valid.

But ... you may not miss your wife now because it is for relatively short periods of time and you know she is returning. Might feel completely different if she was gone for good especially if you were no longer living with your children if separated.

And after four weeks of milk, cereal and everything else being left to fester, your house becomes over run with vermin. There is no hygiene in your chill house there is a very good chance social services would be called and it wouldn’t feel so chilled then!

You sound like a nightmare to me op, if you can’t even manage the most basic of adulting - no wonder she is shouting. Jesus she must be a saint.

You are assuming this

I moan a lot to my husband about how I feel eg if I have a headache, am cold etc. but he is not very good at interacting, chatting, engaging with me. I've realised that I unconsciously do this as a way to interact with him, to start a conversation, to get some affection from him. So this might actually be about trying to connect with you. She doesn't want you to solve it, just to talk maybe!

You really can’t understand why anyone would want to visit their home country/family regularly?

Um, forgive me, but given your cultural background is it not expected that daughters should provide support to their parents as well as being wives and mothers and in your case it's unfortunate that there is a geographical issue meaning your wife cannot be in two places at once? Is she really "on holiday" or being consumed by her parents problems? (And believe me, being a dutiful daughter can suck the life out of you, much as I love them)

If she's trying to fulfill her cultural and familial expectations, as are you ( financial provider etc), but neither of you are happy then you really need to talk it out. Getting to a point of resentment when half the issue is background related really needs some careful unpicking and the best solution to be reached with the least fallout, perhaps treating it in a more contractual manner.

It strikes me that in your posts you haven't said one positive thing about her, other than her absence is a relief. That us very telling and very sad.

I hope you both achieve some peace and happiness.

it sounds like she is feeling resentful towards you, and you are feeling resentful towards her. I would suggest when she returns, talk to her about marriage counseling. Maybe she needs to get a job, maybe you need to put the milk away? Who knows, but t sounds like there is a lot left being unsaid in your relationship.

@HipToTheHopDontStop

But what about appointments, school stuff, all.the admin if children? What about uniform buying and shoes and organising extra curriculars and birthday parties (theirs and the ones they go to) and sleepovers and dentists and literally everything else children need? And the home running stuff too?

Who's going to do that?
Surely you aren't suggesting people should stay in an unhappy marriage for the reasons you listed 🫤

In any case the wife is a SAHM. Without needing to do cleaning or school runs the list you mention is a very light workload for her

It’s a wonder she leaves the children alone with him for weeks. I mean everytime she comes back, she must be expecting them to have been removed and put into care.

If it was as bad as you’re saying and could end with SS intervening, then some might say she should take the children with her? I mean if she’s going to be leaving them in a vermin ridden home.

@Choccyscofffy

If you are doing the same amount and she’s shouting then I would make plans to divorce and have the kids 50/50.
They have a cleaner. The school runs are done by the cleaner.

Surely you aren't suggesting that the Op who works should be doing the same amount of household tasks as the SAHP?

His fair share in weekends sure but the same amount? No way

Surely these tasks are her job as a SAHP
She's not cleaning or doing school runs.

I was going to say exactly the same thing! Long term might be a completely different ball game!

The thing that raises a red flag for me op is your slightly casual pronouncement that your dc who are in late primary school, are pretty self sufficient.

Of course they will be in terms of all the basics but there’s a lot more to raising dc than getting them to school and back.

If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to stay. I think you will be in for a huge shock when you have to do everything, but it’s your life and you don’t have to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in.
You need to talk to your wife and let her know how you feel. Give her time to look for work and have the ability to support herself. You also need to be prepared for a financial settlement. You can’t just kick her out and change the locks.

So they’re self sufficient now, but your wife was there when they weren’t so I’m not sure why you are so resentful. Also going back home to help with care is not a holiday, I’ve been there when my mum in-law had to go back. It’s another grind in itself.

That's probably why she goes away so much. The wife sounds really stressed out. Op, do you know why she's so stressed? I bet you leaving the milk and cereal box out are just the tip of the iceberg.

And explains why she is so stressed. Having sick parents so far away would be a massive weight to carry on her shoulders.

That will probably change when they're teenagers.

what's been lost on you, is what i said, is generally how women and their husbands are seen.. that's not someting I made up of my own accord. And don't put your woke nonsense on me, get a grip of reality, Men are usually the shit the ones and if you take issue with that then go start on them not me. P.s she hasn't gone off on a weekend away , she's gone to help her parents! Was that lost on you too.

It must be very difficult trying to make an arranged marriage work and feel genuine happiness through it. Relationships and compatibility is so complex. I would say that issues like this happen in most marriages after a while, but I am sure that arranged marriages must be even more complex. Maybe you just need to try and instigate some very honest open conversation with her, really try to be honest and open up to each other. You are both in the same shoes and both likely keeping the reality of how you feel hidden inside. Regardless of what the final outcome is, I don't think there is any way forward until you start communicating really honestly with each other.

This reminds me that I once had a family member tell me that I stressed them out and that they were going NC with me. I couldn't understand it. And then it clicked that why they were so anxious around me was because I was caring for our parent single handed and they couldn't cope with the guilt of their non-involvement. When they went NC they then felt very calm because they didn't even have to think about our dying parent or about what I was doing to help them. They were even calmer when they received the money our parent had left them in the will.

So, OP, when your spouse is out of sight you don't have to be around the stress that she is facing, don't have to comfort or help her. Sounds like you're about ready for a younger partner who doesn't yet have to deal with any of these big life challenges...