Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

I always wonder at these people who really prefer their home country but come and make a life here but go back that regularly. Like, mind your effing mind up

I have no idea whether you do more than your fair share, but contempt has definitely crept in to how you speak of her. You clearly do not love her.

It’s obvious you are feeling short changed in the marriage, and that she isn’t coming up to scratch.
So why are you still there? If she is so sub standard why don’t you do everyone a big favour and initiate divorce.

Do you talk to her much? I wonder if the repetition/frustration is loneliness.
Does she have many friends? Maybe suggest that she looks for a volunteering role whilst the DC are at school.
Also sounds like she's genuinely cold if the milk is OK left out, put the heating on!

After I got divorced, my life became much easier. I was busier, poorer but MUCH happier. There was no one in the house to constantly criticise my choices or to complain about life in general. My life was my own and if I run out of milk, then it was MY problem but nobody was there to criticise me. My child became much more relaxed as well.

So I fully understand you. If you are happier when she's not there, it's time to rethink your relationship

Honestly, free your poor wife and children!

You sound like a nightmare OP.
You say:

1. She complains of being cold.
2. Your home is a balmy 20°c.
3. You never refrigerate milk but stand it on a suitably cold windowsill (in the house that is allegedly 20°c).

Yeah right.
The fact you want to leave milk and cereal out and keep milk on a windowsill instead of the fridge where it belongs, tells much more about you than it does her. Poor woman. Poor kids.

Op the moaning etc, surely that’s just life- do you never say you have a headache, or a stomachache or whatever? Is it only recently you feel like this? On mn people say ‘just leave’ but do you think she’d be floored by this? Upset? You have kids together- do you think in general you love each other? Do you do date night or chat watching tv?

Wow, this is another wild thread! People creating a whole scenario from one wee (perhaps ill-chosen) throwaway comment. (People being pretty obtuse as well as it was obvious, at least to me, what the OP meant.)

Anyway… did everyone miss the bit about her having a cleaner even though she is a SAHM of primary children. She has all day to do stuff like putting the milk away (which takes all of 2 seconds) while the OP is out working (probably earning the money which pays for all her trips abroad). Surely someone in her position SHOULD be doing the majority of life admin etc (although doesn’t sound like she actually does) as what else would she be doing with the kids at school all day?

Getting down to basics - do you and your wife love each other, OP?

I know if she could do it again, she wouldn't have married me. It was an arranged marriage, when the love is meant to grown after the marriage.

Maybe you aren't giving her enough love and support, meaning she has to keep asking you for it, instead of you seeing her distress and acting on it

And there we have it. You think she should be working AND doing everything else. Get divorced then?

I think I understand what you are trying to say @SpunkyAmberReader. It's an arranged marriage which, on the surface, appears successful. You have 2 children and a home together. But the warm feelings of mutual love did not grow. You irritate each other. Many married couples do.

So it is more of a partnership than a loving marriage. So how would you like the partnership to continue moving forward?

You clearly just don't like each other. Why are you staying together? Neither of you is right or wrong, you're just incompatible. When she gets back have a chat with her about separation and take it from there.

Yes, I think she is guilty of doing this.

Quite honestly, because it's expected.

She hasn't worked in years, what type of job/ career will she get?

Expected by who?

She will manage. Hundreds of women separate from their partners and get by. It would also free her up to meet someone she is going to be happier with. Someone who will love and respect her. Someone who she can have a laugh with. It could be the making of both of you. No point choosing to remain miserable.

yes, we would both be happier

Yanbu ! If most women feel the same way when hubbie goes away, why can't it work the other way? Enjoy yourself. Also sounds like a life I might like. Back home on holiday very often, no kids.

I put the milk near the window, the window has an air vent, so it's pretty cool. I wouldnt keep the milk outside during spring or summee because it would spoil. But in winter, in the kitchen, near a window vent, the milk will remain fine.

So there's a specific place you put the milk in the kitchen so it doesn't spoil? Like a fridge. Only not. But opening the door of the fridge is so taxing you don't?

I mean, leave her if you want but that's batshit. And it does look like something someone would do just to be a bit of a dick.

Got to love MN, dude is considering a divorce and posters are concern about the milk being left out.

(Reminds me of the poster who went to town with their family, bought Chinese takeaway for dinner, then had a big argument leading them to go home separately. Everyone was concerned with her lugging the Chinese through the shops loool).

It’s a reasonable concern, but not one without solutions. What did she do before you had kids? Can she retrain? If she sacrificed her financial power to look after the kids then she can be compensated in the divorce settlement to give her time to retrain and build up. But the longer the current situation goes on, the worse it will be for her.

If you were cold why wouldn't you turn the heat up yourself? If you had a headache why wouldn't you get the painkillers yourself?

Get divorced. You're not happy. You could be happier. And so could she. Life is too short.

It's indicative of who is most likely the real problem!

This is kind of intense.

I have a child with complex medical needs. I manage all this as a single mom. It's not that hard especially with kids in school.

A lot of those things don't apply daily and the wife has kids in school, a cleaner, and no job.

I think it's ok to admit her life just isn't that hard.