Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

You think he's a nightmare because of these things?

These seem rather benign.

Hell of a drip feed!

Gotta love all these comments that rather than taking a neutral stance decide to rant at the op
The one that latches onto the word self sufficient (as if you didn't know what he meant by it), 🙄the issue with the milk.
Mumsnetters who are nitpicking just admit you hate men.

Wait, if you have a cleaner and someone to help with school runs (presumably a friend parent rota) and your wife is a SAHP, what does she do all day????

Don't be stupid. Since when must a difference of opinion be based on "hate." You sound ridiculous.

OP, you should put the milk away, and you shouldn't not give a fuck that she's cold just because you aren't. My husband likes the heat way up too high for me but we try to find a balance. However based on the fact that you're parenting the kids alone for weeks at a time you can't be that hopeless as some are implying. I sympathise with you. I'm happier when my husband is gone too, I feel like me again. I can't leave yet though.

To be honest, you lost me when you used the milk example. If you can't be arsed to take 2 steps, open a fridge door and lift a 2kg bottle of milk into the fridge for the sake of your marriage and your kids then you don't deserve any of them and they'd probably be better of without you. Just leave if you really don't care. You reap what you sew though.

Also shame on the women on here minimising how the wife will struggle if they divorce. Sure she'll manage but "most women do" doesn't mean it won't be really fucking tough on her. Own that. OP isn't trying to pretend it's not true.

If it’s a cultural thing, you are in an arranged marriage and your marriage is not abusive in any way you really need to start communicating with your partner. Have you done any couples therapy or counselling?

Things clearly aren’t going to change and your version of change is just to leave the relationship. Perhaps the two of you should go about things differently in the relationship. Maybe your wife can get a qualification or skill to find a fulfilling job when the kids are in high school? Maybe both of you should have some time to indulge in hobbies or social activities? Date nights?

Obviously when things are not good at home it’s easy to fantasize that it’d be so much easier with them not being around but you did agree to this marriage and have children to think about.

Out of curiosity are you attracted to your wife? If you aren’t is there someone else that you are attracted to that perhaps makes you wife’s inadequacies/flaws seems very apparent?

Lots of women work and do all those things too. This woman doesn't work and has a cleaner. She has plenty of time for life admin.

Sexist? Again, how do you know the OP is man?

WhoM

Being cold - she'll say it when we are outside and she will repeatedly tell me she is cold, and there is nothing I can do, other than bite my tongue and listen.
Its stuff like this, I don't miss. Complaining about being cold on a cold January morning... what can I do? Why is she telling me again and again. I don't understand....

Sounds like she's as disappointed in the life partner she was chosen as you are in yours.

If my husband put the milk on the windowsill for the world and his wife to see instead of in the fridge I'd be ready for a divorce. "you get it out, you put it away" is a basic skill we teach children.

Set her free to find an adult husband.

I agree, especially in the light of it being an arranged marriage.

There is a good chance that his wife would be socially punished (or at the very least talked about) within her community. The chances of her remarrying within that community after divorce and the wrong side of thirty are slim to none.

The job market is pretty tough at the moment.

The OP hasn’t covered himself in glory but I think he is right to consider the impact of divorce on his wife.

I think she has it pretty easy with me...
I work, I do the life admin, and she is able to go on multiple trips with her parents.

Is it easy to get out of an arranged marriage or is the expectation/obligation to stick it out forever?
It sounds like you don't bring out the best in each other. I think generally that someone who 'nags' is also unhappy inside.

She clearly thinks he’s adult enough to look after the children, so I assume the milk incident isn’t that much of an issue for her.

Honestly OP, I think once you’re at the stage that you’re pleased your partner is out of the way, it’s over.

Can you move towards a separation?

She is 'guilty' of this.
My God, I hope she's shagging her lover in a nice hotel somewhere... You carry on with your sour milk to go with your personality

There is still a fair amount of sitmga, particularly where children are concerned.

Have you ever gone away for three weeks alone? What would be the reaction if you did?

It’s called bid for connection. It probably also subconsciously means the atmosphere in the marriage is freezing too.

What a loving partner would say is “Oh darling, let me give you a hug, we can share the warmth. Do you have gloves with you? Shall we get some. You always seem to feel the cold, maybe you need some extra layers. What can we do about you feeling the cold. Shall we run on the spot?”
Compare that to your [tumbleweed].

You guys are a very very long way from a marriage that offers comfort and solace. We can’t know whether she has the skills to make the relationship work, but you OP could up your game.

Funny.

That is quite common in relationships on both sides, dont feel guilty.
What you have to think about is would you be happier on your own permanently?
I have Aspergers and love being on my own but I still enjoy being with my wife. Living on your own can be very hard mentally.
Space is vital in successful partnerships especially as you get older.
Life is hard work but a lot of fun if you work on it.

Life is too short OP, in my view you have 2 options:

1- clearly the love was never there and at this point and based on what you write I don’t feel any warmth either. If due to cultural expectations you cannot separate, then be honest with her and explain how her constant nagging is affecting you, find a family therapist that will help you live in more harmony

2- divorce

The only two reasons you can think of for her coming back are cleaning and school run and you’ve realised that’s solved by paying someone. That’s probably the problem. She knows that’s all you see her as.