Hes 20 months so to be honest, it doesn't work anyway as he doesn't understand what im saying. But for me, i find it both a quiet expression of rising self dysregulation before i fall into complete dysregulation so it helps me, with the aim of it eventually sinking in anyway.
Yes i do get dysregulated, thank you for your kind comment re that. In actual fact i get dysregulated every single time he cries. If you do an advanced search on me youll see why, but it's too long to explain and not the point of the thread. We've been through more together than most in such a short time. It has helped telling my story on here as its anonymous and has lessened my shame. So i won't deny my feelings good or bad.
The difference is that despite my dysregulated state when he's crying for genuine reasons, i respond with love and patience and always true desire to comfort. But when he is just being whingey and nothing works, he's fed dry clean watered entertained not tired etc, my patience is little for whinging. Perhaps that is down to my own experiences re severe trauma as a child so i struggle to have sympathy when someone is crying for nothing. Even my child. As awful as it sounds.
But i stand by my feeling that he needs to be taught resilience. Especially since he has no male influence to be the yin to my motherly nurture yang.
If he hurts himself i yell WOO like its exciting despite it hurting me inside, because children need to learn to self scan their body for pain and also need to not have an adult panicking which often causes them fear and anxiety. It works extremely well since i began that - he looks at me, sees my reaction, and if he's hurt he will cry and i will comfort. If he isnt he will crack on because im not passing on anxiety reactions to him.
If he's crying properly i will use distraction, his favourite calming techniques, try a snack or drink, or a nap, or a bottle of milk. Nappy etc. If that doesn't work i will be present and aware but after a time i will tell him "baby you are fed dry clean watered entertained and this is unnecessary so knock it off now"
If he's having a tantrum I will keep an eye and be ready for when he's calm and ready for comfort but i ignore the tamtrum as im not teaching him that that behaviour gets him anything positive. I don't shout or react at all. I know my son and if i try to comfort when he's angry he hits out, showing me he needs his space. If it goes on too long i will sternly tell him to knock it off now.
If he's being whingey because he's tired and in bed but doesnt want to sleep, i will tell him to stop it now and go to sleep.
If he hits me i move him away from me with warning "dont you dare, we dont hit in this house" and if he gets impatient and throws a toy at me it gets confiscated. For a day at least. Because it hurts and one day he will be a 6ft man and i need him to learn violence is not ok from the start.
Sometimes i do get dysregulated and i tell him if he's crying for nothing to stop crying.
Its not about winning for me, or thinking it works to "shut him up". Nor to teach him to silence his feelings. It's to teach him that its ok to have feelings and cry when there is a reason, and if no reason then resilience training will help him as an adult to learn feelings and expression of them is great, in the appropriate times. Like i said he can't just sit at work and cry. He will have his feelings hurt, his heart broken and all the upsetting disappointments we all have. And to express these feelings appropriately is great, but it has to be appropriate for his own sake.
Sorry for the essay but I'm hoping to explain that with context, good intentions and his well being in future in mind, its nothing to do with silencing him and i feel strongly that I am acting in each situation in an appropriate manner in order to raise a resilient but emotionally mature adult. It is a fine line.
But my son and i are doing so well how we work together in this way. I have a lot of professionals involved including social services and i have yet to hear, since mental health treatment is now effective, a single bit of criticism. In fact the opposite. They have all separately praised how happy he is, how well his behaviour is, and how well and healthy his attachment to me is.
He does openly express upset. And i act appropriately i feel, in all contexts. And will continue to do so.
Its been interesting hearing your views and gives me something to ponder on and go over with my therapist and professionals to ensure I'm behaving appropriately.
Apologies to all for the essay an derail..
I just feel so strongly about this coming from a childhood where i was silenced, told i am a drama queen and much worse.
Re the nursery comment, with lack of more context from op it's hard to comment