To think this shouldn't be said to nursery children

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If they're crying. 'stop crying, you're fine'?

@user1471538275 explains it exactly. If you were crying for reasons you found legitimate and someone said that to you, would think that was okay? It’s not okay just because it’s a small child.

I’ve definitely said to an adult ‘don’t cry’ which isn’t really much different. It doesn’t have to mean anything deep.

Exactly. Kids need to know that life doesn’t revolve around them. Learn it early and grow up knowing it

No - it’s invalidating and doesn’t explore why they are distressed and teaches them so repress their feelings, so as an ideal I wouldn’t do it but it’s not something I’d move nursery over either - a lot of people say it with good will behind it as they find it hard to tolerate distress (because they’re decent people!)

@FanofLeaves I think 'don't cry' is entirely different to 'stop crying, you're fine'

Tone is of course enormously important. But 'you're fine' is dismissive.

I fully acknowledge that crying is extremely hard to listen to, because it is designed to be distressing to hear - so that you do something to help

There are plenty of adults that I am tempted to say 'stop crying, you're fine' to - but I don't.

Depends if its actual distressed crying or just "grizzling". My eldest could grizzle for Britain. He'd do it every time he couldn't have exactly what he wanted straight away, or was bored. He got so used to doing it he'd sometimes sort of do it under his breath out of habit even when he was actually happy, like a low pitched hum. I'd forgotten that until i saw an old video of him doing it. The only way it stopped was to say "no, you are fine" in a no nonsense voice and then completely ignore it. Otherwise I was rushing what I was doing in order to pacify him with what he wanted to make the noise stop - a vicious circle as he knew it worked.

Apparently he never did it at nursery, probably because it didn't have the desired effect.

If he actually cried "properly" though, because he was scared or hurt or genuinely affronted them off course he was consoled and the issue dealt with appropriately.

As for 'kids need to learn their place'

What at the bottom of the pile? Where you aren't listened to or considered and you need to learn that no one cares what you think, that you should just shut up and not make people uncomfortable by your distress.

I absolutely disagree with treating children like this. I think we need to remember that women used to be treated like this, as did poorer people, disabled people and people of different ethncities.

Children are not less beings.

Are they royalty - no. But they are human beings and worthy of basic respect and kindness.

'A persons a person, no matter how small'

I don't think it's objectively cruel or anything. I wouldn't say it to my own kid, but there's a world out there where people do things differently and it's no bad thing for her to learn that. The way I look at it is, if she needs a place where she can just have a good cry without being told to stop, it's home, and she knows that, so if she's not over it and stops because she's told she has to, she'll be able to express the rest of it at home.

And I might only be able to do that because I've only got the one. Not sure it's viable in busier homes.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil I'm not sure small children have the ability to hold on until they get home - emotionally or in any other way.

As they get older, this definitely happens - hence the explosion after school for some children who have supressed behaviour in school.

Sure I’ve said it. In a loving way. If I was babysitting my nephew or something and they cry when mom leaves. It’s okay to reassure the kid and say “hey look you’re okay, there’s no need to cry, aunty’s here” etc. if you’re shouting it in anger it’s different.

Is it like when a little one falls over, you immediately go ‘You’re fine, it’s ok’ because you know it could go either way, either the child listens and gets straight back up because you’ve told them it’s ok, or they could start sobbbing because they’re shocked more than actually hurt? I know I’m guilty of this very often with my family’s little ones.

Obviously I’d run over to check if they’ve fallen but I’d do the immediate reassurance first. If it’s serious, I’d just run and grab/hug, not just tell them it’s fine when it clearly isn’t.

That's fair - my kid's a bit older and I was thinking of her now rather than then. But I think it's a complicated thing when nursery staff have got a large number of children to take care of as well.

I know I've said to before.

I don’t believe is likely to said to a child in pain or genuine distress.

it’s the right thing to say to a histrionic /attention seeking crying child. It’s not difficult to tell the difference.

My boys nearly 3. He is doing this incessant whining fake cry thing recently.

Yes I have told him off at times for it.

I know hes not hurt or sad - he has other cries for that. This is a getting attention / testing boundary cry and it’s entirely different. He is being mischievous.

I think you have to trust nursery will know your child and how to look after children. After all they do it everyday, multiple kids. They arguably are more skilled than you at this.

I’ve said it to my kids when it’s either a very minor incident or the incident is finished and it’s clear that the child is just winding themselves up and making things worse, and they just need to take 5 mins to calm down. It’s not amazing IMO but it’s certainly not a disaster if the relationship is generally quite positive. I think it’s just as bad for a child to get full attention and/ or everything else they want just because they are crying, as that just creates an unhealthy cycle, especially in a nursery setting where it might lead to the other kids getting upset too.

Ex EYP. No it’s not ok. Surprised so many of you are saying it is. It’s not, it’s hugely invalidating. Imagine you were upset, didn’t have the tools to communicate why and someone was telling you you were fine. How frustrating would that be? Would it teach you how to problem solve or acknowledge your own feelings?

I would and always did say, ‘oh John, I can see you are feeling really sad right now. It’s time to come inside and you were having so much fun playing outside. I wonder what we can find to do next’ and redirect instead of dismissing.

OP I wouldn’t be happy with this nursery but from my own experience there’s always at least one staff member repeating this at any one time to a crying child.

I agree with you, it shouldn't be said and there's no need to say it (teaching 20). I just say oh you're very sad, have a good cry and let it all out. Like I'd want someone to say to me lol.

One of the reasons my DD was popular at nursery and her CM's was because if she saw a kid crying, particularly what she called a "baby", she would go over and comfort them. The bonus of this is when she was feeling crappy one of the other kids would do that her.

Oh and her feeling crappy including not wanting to go to CM or nursery just because she didn't want to. (Her nursery didn't accept under 2s so the kids would spend a lot of the time together.)

Your expectations for nursery care are too high.

It's stressful and boring being in a room of crying toddlers all day.

Nursery staff will be curt and irritable on occasion.

I've worked in several nurseries and I can assure you this is said to children lots. If you aren't happy with it then a nursery environment isn't for your child

DS1 and DS2 have both been wailers over nothing much. We have reassured them and cuddled them and had a chat, distracted them and, if they kept doing it, have definitely said this .

Depends on the tone, but on face value it's old fashioned and not my style so I'd be slightly put off. I'd want childcare staff to be up to date with training, as well as naturally empathetic. But i suppose it's good for kids to come into contact with different types of people.

Depends on the age. Under 2 I’d give them a cuddle and reassure them. Older children can get into the habit of crying over nothing and as long as you tell them in a reassuring manner it’s fine. I was in childcare for over 30 years and it was usually easy to tell if there was really anything wrong.

Context is key. It’s not ideal but childcare staff are human. Is it the 100th time that day the child has cried for no reason? We need to both comfort and build resilience in young children and it’s a tricky line - I teach primary level and I’ve definitely got it wrong on occasion at both home and work.