To think this shouldn't be said to nursery children

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If they're crying. 'stop crying, you're fine'?

Yes, this. I am also surprised.

From your updates, I don’t think the words are relevant. A kid who is tired and overwhelmed is fine, and being told that and told they should stop crying isn’t going to hurt. But a good environment for them would be one in which they were comforted (which probably should still involve them being reminded they’re fine) not one in which the people who should be caring for them were snappy and unresponsive to their distress.

I expect most kids have been snapped at occasionally in similar situations and no harm done. But if it’s an indication of the nursery environment generally it’s not one I’d want my kids at.

Well it's not said for the child's benefit, but sometimes everyone just wants life to pause for 5 minutes and let them get a breather!
Id have thought nursery staff would have more tools to avoid getting to that stage but they're human after all.
Crying is a healthy enough way to express yourself especially at under 2 years old.

On the other hand if you replace "crying"with"hitting" then yes it's got to be communicated that it's not on even if they aren't quite able to grasp the detail yet.

It’s fine. Otherwise they’ll be a 6 year old crying whenever they don’t get their own way.

Children need to learn resilience from a young age. I used to get told to stop crying or I will give you something to cry for!

Why do people keep bringing that phrase up? It's abusive! It's so nasty.

How do you know that?

@littleluncheon

I don't agree with your point that we should be grateful to anyone who chooses to work with small children because there's a shortage of workers.

I absolutely acknowledge that there is a shortage of all age carers and that pay and conditions for this group of workers is awful.

I also acknowledge that your point (quoted below) is objectively true:
"It's stressful and boring being in a room of crying toddlers all day."

It is stressful, it is boring at times and no-one can/do exactly the right thing 24/7 when they feel this way - neither adults nor children.

But I'm not going to agree that we should not try for better interactions/communications in all care environments.

If it's your job and you get paid to deal with babies/small children (the OP's child was 18 months old) then you should be doing what you can to have a positive communication style as far as you can. If you can't do that, it may be necessary to find a different role.

I say that as someone who remembers very well the difficulty in trying to settle a room full of toddlers where when one cries, they all cry!

She sounds fabulous! And so empathetic - I think most people if they saw an adult crying would ask what’s wrong and try comfort so it makes so much sense to do the same with little ones!

This made me snort tea.
agree with you. Kids are ruling the roost these days with their ‘big feelings’ that ‘have to be validated at all times’.
Sorry if a kid is crying because they have been told NO, sympathy is limited. If their leg is hanging off, perhaps a bit of compassion is due.

I don't like that saying. As for building resilience, this is not the way to do it. Resilience is built through many things including self esteem and habit supportive relationships, not through having feelings invalidated.

That is a horrible expression and doesn't make people resilient (a much misused word). It's likely either to make them distrust others and turn their distress on themselves; to imitate the attitude and become bullies; or at best they ignore it.

Having a nursery worker be a bit curt with a toddler from time to time is not on the same level as this sort of threat; but is unlikely to be helpful.

If, as a child, I cried for no real reason, my mother would say ‘Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about!’. To be fair, she stepped up if I was really upset about something, or had fallen over or suchlike. I can’t remember her ever smacking me, so I guess I must have stopped!

Everyone saying children need to build resilience is absolutely right. Unfortunately statements like “stop crying, you’re fine” do the opposite to building resilience in children.

I have written a thesis on resilience and work with children in a related field. If parents are truly interested in how to support the development of resilience and good mental health please do research strategies for building emotional literacy and self-regulation in children. There is tons of information available online.

Your mum used to say it too?

It's so vicious it's horrible

Also for those that do use nursery, yes, you can find a nursery that is up to date with these practices. You do need to be careful though as many nursery workers will not be. Asking questions about training or strategies they use to support emotional literacy and self-regulation skills will provide a lot of insight.

You hadn't mentioned their age at that point.

Nursery is birth-school age

Yes, I agree in your example it's harsh

I agree totally. I think if you find this unacceptable then your parenting style is obviously very different to mine.

Im trying to raise resilient, confident, self-aware, emotionally appropriate children and I said it to my kids and they are brilliant. Parents that don’t say no or pander to every little thing while solving all of their problems are just asking for trouble later or putting out kids into the world that may struggle in relationships when everything isn’t about them all the time.

How do you define that no harm has been done?

In fact, the fact that you think it ok to tell anyone, let alone a 2yo in nursery to stop crying because they are fine, is the effect of being in such situation of being invalidated. Thats the harm, not being able to feel with a young child in distress.

No. Wouldn't say it to my own children. If they are crying, they aren't fine.

Feelings need validation

The adult saying that can't manage their own stress in the moment and finds the crying irritating which is why they say it.

People don't seem to get it. It's not about pandering or giving in. It's about literally just allowing their feelings. It's because of adults being uncomfortable with those feelings that they tell the baby/child to stop, when that frustration is on the adult! It's actually amazing when you voice it and allow it how a child will naturally come round themselves when they're ready and move on. I've seen so many little eyes widen when I say 'Oh I don't blame you for being upset, that is hard. Have a good cry.' Many of them are stopped in their tracks!! I'm completely comfortable with people showing their emotions, friends too who might need a sob over something or other.

Sometimes a ten yo might be a bit emotional and need a little hand hold till they're ready to get on with the rest of their day. That is actually what will grow resilience and healthy self-regulation not being told to swallow it down and this is what all the research says best practice is. So it's not about parenting styles or trying to please parents, as a pp referred to, it's about a nursery and its workers being up to date on this. It's hard for many adults because they were told themselves to stop etc.

I still remember in my dc's preschool walking in one day to see a worker with a 3yo in her arms rocking him back and forth as he'd been upset, and he was cuddled in. So lovely to see it.

I can guarantee if they molly coddled the kids with every little thing and you went there, saw this and your child wasn’t getting 100% attention because we have to deal with any sort of tear that you’d be complaining about that so…

I try not to say this as I don't think you should be shutting down anyone's emotions adults or children but there are times it gets ridiculous and their just whingeing and probably can't remember why or they've been told no and don't like it. I will always reassure first then ignore but if it goes on to long they need to get past it and move on.

Do you enjoy being shut down /being told you are ridiculous when you are upset?

Why is it so hard to be a bit compationate with a young child who is upset. Yes, young children get upset many time in a day and are learning to navigate life with ups and downs. Children feel the emotions as feeling in their body and dont have the knowledge yet to regulate them on their own.

The easiest you can do is to sit with the child, name simply the emotion and its cause Tommy, I see you are upset because you cant play with a train right now. Its ok to be upset. And you just sit with them until they cry it out, emotions get back normal. You dont discuss with a child who is overwhelmed with emotions, that doesnt work.

Obviously that is a/easier said than done for some people b/ easier to do at home when you have one/two/three children than when you've got the classroo full. Yes, nurseries are not the most appropriate setting for a young child.

Working with a class of 5-6 year olds, many years ago, one little girl Mary, was inclined to cry and fuss.
She was doing it one day and another child, Alice went over to her, stood there loking determined, her hands on her hips, and firmly told her to stop it. As far as I recall, Mary did.