To feel sad I'm going to end up 'managing' another man

[twentyoneteacups]

Aware I might be setting myself up for attack by posting in AIBU for this, but here goes...

My dad's been sorting out his will recently, and adding a Letter of Wishes - things that don't go in the will itself but offer guidelines for how he'd like some other things to be handled.

One of the items in the Letter of Wishes is about his younger brother.

They come from a pretty well-off family, and this brother, my uncle, has lived his life accordingly. He recently got his first job (at 62 years old) after spending his life gambling, being funded by his mother (my grandmother), and chasing 'big deals with the Saudis' that never come to fruition.

A few years ago his 'luck' with the Bank of Mum ran out, and he's since sold his fancy Central London flat (bought for him by their parents), moved into his sister (my aunt)'s house for 2 years rent-free and then when she ran out of patience (she's a saint and takes beautiful care of everyone around her), a granny-flat in a neighbour's garden. He's got a job as a van driver and is earning now, which is good, but he's going to be in trouble when it comes to his later life.

He didn't like my mother, and so cut any meaningful contact with my dad when they got married. He's never sought any kind of relationship with me at all – contrasted with his relationship with my cousins (my aunt married 'well', so he was in their lives quite enthusiastically).

Which brings us to my dad's Letter of Wishes.

Dad has said that if I need money from his estate, I should put that need first. But if I don't, and his brother outlives him, he wants me to use the money to take care of his brother – not leaving him a lump sum (because he'll gamble it away), but to pay him a monthly stipend and cover his care.

Essentially, to make sure his brother is OK.

It's very 'my dad', wanting to take care of family no matter what, and I love that about him, AND there's a part of me that's pretty... miffed.

I've found myself repeatedly in relationships with men where I've ended up leaving because they started relying on my finances, borrowing and not paying back, expecting me to cough up for big purchases, doing the 'financial management' of our relationship for them, and this feels like a repeat version of this – but for a family member who has never taken an interest in me nor done much to take care of himself.

It's not that I want whatever money my dad leaves behind all for myself – I've worked damn hard to get to a place where I'm financially stable on my own and should be fine in the future without anything that my dad leaves me – it's more the mental and emotional load of being my uncle's financial 'carer'.

Yet again, it feels like, men get to do whatever they want, and in swoop the women (my grandmother, my aunt, and now potentially me) to do the work of rescuing and 'making it all ok'.

I feel guilty for being frustrated by this, because of course I don't want my uncle to suffer later in life - I don't want that for anyone. He's not been 'family' to me, but he is my dad's family, and I'll respect my dad's wishes, and honour his values. Heck - it may never even come to that point, but it is niggling at me.

So I guess I'm looking for either some validation for my feelings, or a good Mumsnet-style head-wobble... how does it all land with you? AIBU, or is it OK to be torn about this?

Do you have to follow the letter or can you ignore? Can you ask your dad to chuck him 10 grand in the will instead? I don’t think you are a bad person at all but I think now is the time to be more assertive and say what you’ve said here to your dad. This relative isn’t your responsibility and it is unfair of your dad to put it onto you. Best of luck.

Say no! If your dad wants to do this then tell him to set up a trust? How does your mum feel about this and have you spoke to your dad about your feelings. You don’t have to do anything.

NBU at all.

It would be reasonable and kind for you to explain to your DF that you aren't prepared to act as a financial carer, for want of a better word. It doesn't have to be you who does it, if that's what he wants.

Explain this to your dad. Tell him you can't be responsible for his brother and he needs to leave a set amount of money to someone else to manage on his behalf because of all the reasons you have given here.

Tell your dad it's not going to happen and if he wants your uncle cared for then he needs to sort out something else like a trust or something.

You don't have to agree to this.

I think your analysis is right and says a lot about the roles of me and women in your extended family. I feel my family isn't a million miles from yours. The upside (if there is one, there are lots of downsides) is that I think frequently the women make sure they are financially independent from an early age. And I'm allergic to men who fuck around with money, I can deal with sexual infidelity much more easily.

The positive here is that your dad has given you an obvious 'out' - you have a need for the money and that's it. Tbh it would be much better for your uncle, as it was for my dad, to actually be in the system and forced to claim benefits etc. Tbh reality was that he eventually moved in with a girlfriend and was supported by her until his death. To be fair to my dad, he did do some caring for her too.

You'd have the right to tell your dad that you don't want the mental load of your uncle though and that you'd rather not inherit than have that.

Just say no. Either your uncle stands on his own two feet, or your father leaves him money outright and he gambles it and deals with the consequences, or your dad finds someone else to ‘manage’ him. I wouldn’t be bequeathed the family wastrel.

Tbh I think his wishes are really unfair on you. I hope he hasn't told Uncle that @twentyoneteacups 'will look after him' financially. Uncle may have a vastly different idea to you of what that involves. Your father needs to leave him a lump sum and you don't need to have dealings with him.

I’m fairly sure you can ignore a letter of wishes and in this case I would. Your Uncle sounds like a chronic CF and that will not change at his stage in his life.

You don’t owe him anything and you shouldn’t feel guilty about keeping him at the current distance.

Tell your dad what you've told us - also if your uncle got wind of this letter of wishes I expect he'd be on to you endlessly to stump up . It's too much to ask especially for someone who has shown no interest or affection for you in the past.

You are absolutely right to feel the way you feel. It's not fair for your dad to saddle you with mental load of doing this. Your dad need to do the right thing by both of you and hire an independent professional to manage brother's stipend whether in form of a trust fund or something else.

The fuck. Of course YANBU.

Uncle will be just fine with pension credits and a retirement flat rental. He's not going to starve.

@SomethingFun I definitely don't have to do anything in the letter of wishes – that's why my dad's put this part there instead in the will, and why he's not leaving his brother a named lump sum.

Dad wants me to put my needs first, and only if there's money I don't 'need', then to use it for my uncle.

So I know this situation may never actually come to pass in reality, it's more just the feeling of it, if that makes sense?

Ignore it. DH was executor of his Dad's will and he left wishes that letters were to be passed onto certain family members. His late wife (DH's stepmother) had dementia but they didn't realise it (wouldn't go to GP) and she admittedly got very paranoid and difficult - but he wanted her children to know how miserable she'd made him. They went onto the fire instead. We would never have passed that on knowingly.

Your Dad won't know. He can choose his burdens, just as you can choose yours.

If your uncle finds out about this he will mither you that he needs 'help' until death do you part.

I'd be telling your dad to remove that as it will end up in a lifelong commitment that you are not prepared to make.

YANBU and a letter of wishes is (AFAIK) just that i.e. wishes. You don't have to follow it. It's up to you. So if you want to sack your good-for-nothing sponger of an uncle off, do it. I bloody would!

Yanbu but it's up to you how you interpret it. If he has access to benefits and nhs healthcare, he doesn't "need" anything.

Dad probably doesn't want to care for him but doesn't want to be the bad guy. I'd be pissed if that he is happy to let you take that fall.

It does make sense, and you're right, it's absolute bullshit the way women are expected to be support humans / saviours for feckless men.

However, there's nothing you can do to change the way the men in your family think—your dad is not going to undergo a Damascene feminist conversion at this stage in his life. He has given you a choice though, you don't have to look after your uncle.

The best thing you can do is break the pattern by letting your uncle look after himself, and work on reconciling your own inevitable feelings of guilt that will come from doing so.

To be fair to your dad, the way he's planning it means that if YOU need the money, then YOU get it. It only goes to his brother if you don't need it. Whereas if he sets money aside for his brother, you won't have that chance.
If you'd rather not have the responsibility and not have any of that money, then ask your dad to find another way.
But I think you need to think again about your dad's motives. I think he's thinking of you, even if he hasn't realised that you don't see it the same way.

I would put the whole thing out of your mind until the situation actually materialises and then deal with it. It may never happen. Your uncle may predecease your dad or may find a wealthy and naive widow to sponge off.

As others have said, if it's not a legal instruction you should feel entitled to deal with it as you see fit.

If he wants it more than she needs it, she is being guilt tripped into handing it over.

There shouldn't be caveats on wills. Either leave it to someone or don't.

You know women only pick up the pieces because they allow it.

Yanbu, you have done well to set your own boundaries with men in the past.

Oh gosh, he's definitely thinking of me first, and I understand and appreciate that.

I know also that I'm very lucky to have this issue to think about at all! It's all a little 'first-world problems' 😅

And I think there's also a romantic side to my dad that always wants to be a 'rescuer' who does 'the right thing', and that's where this part of his thinking about what happens after he passes is coming from. @TheOtherAgentJohnson is right – I don't think this perspective will have occurred to him, and I've not helped by not saying anything to him about it.

I think I would still speak to your dad OP, explain that you really feel you don't want the responsibility or to have to make decisions about his money after he's gone and suggest he either amends his will to include his brother in whatever way he sees fit or finds someone else to administer anything included in the letter of wishes. I think feeling uncomfortable about the vagary of the way your dad has currently set things up is entirely reasonable, especially bearing in mind you're likely to be grieving when these decisions will need to be made. It's too much and I would hope your dad will understand and be open to finding another solution.

The issue is, has your dad told his brother this is the arrangement? If so, you'll potentially have his brother cap in hand all the time.

Three choices

1. follow dad's wishes

2)explain to dad that you aren't comfortable managing his brothers money/stipend. If he feels so strongly he should leave him a lump sum as you don't intend on following his wishes

3. don't follow your dad's wishes and don't tell him

I'd go 2 but you risk having less money for you if he does leave him a lump sum.