To feel sad I'm going to end up 'managing' another man

[twentyoneteacups]

Aware I might be setting myself up for attack by posting in AIBU for this, but here goes...

My dad's been sorting out his will recently, and adding a Letter of Wishes - things that don't go in the will itself but offer guidelines for how he'd like some other things to be handled.

One of the items in the Letter of Wishes is about his younger brother.

They come from a pretty well-off family, and this brother, my uncle, has lived his life accordingly. He recently got his first job (at 62 years old) after spending his life gambling, being funded by his mother (my grandmother), and chasing 'big deals with the Saudis' that never come to fruition.

A few years ago his 'luck' with the Bank of Mum ran out, and he's since sold his fancy Central London flat (bought for him by their parents), moved into his sister (my aunt)'s house for 2 years rent-free and then when she ran out of patience (she's a saint and takes beautiful care of everyone around her), a granny-flat in a neighbour's garden. He's got a job as a van driver and is earning now, which is good, but he's going to be in trouble when it comes to his later life.

He didn't like my mother, and so cut any meaningful contact with my dad when they got married. He's never sought any kind of relationship with me at all – contrasted with his relationship with my cousins (my aunt married 'well', so he was in their lives quite enthusiastically).

Which brings us to my dad's Letter of Wishes.

Dad has said that if I need money from his estate, I should put that need first. But if I don't, and his brother outlives him, he wants me to use the money to take care of his brother – not leaving him a lump sum (because he'll gamble it away), but to pay him a monthly stipend and cover his care.

Essentially, to make sure his brother is OK.

It's very 'my dad', wanting to take care of family no matter what, and I love that about him, AND there's a part of me that's pretty... miffed.

I've found myself repeatedly in relationships with men where I've ended up leaving because they started relying on my finances, borrowing and not paying back, expecting me to cough up for big purchases, doing the 'financial management' of our relationship for them, and this feels like a repeat version of this – but for a family member who has never taken an interest in me nor done much to take care of himself.

It's not that I want whatever money my dad leaves behind all for myself – I've worked damn hard to get to a place where I'm financially stable on my own and should be fine in the future without anything that my dad leaves me – it's more the mental and emotional load of being my uncle's financial 'carer'.

Yet again, it feels like, men get to do whatever they want, and in swoop the women (my grandmother, my aunt, and now potentially me) to do the work of rescuing and 'making it all ok'.

I feel guilty for being frustrated by this, because of course I don't want my uncle to suffer later in life - I don't want that for anyone. He's not been 'family' to me, but he is my dad's family, and I'll respect my dad's wishes, and honour his values. Heck - it may never even come to that point, but it is niggling at me.

So I guess I'm looking for either some validation for my feelings, or a good Mumsnet-style head-wobble... how does it all land with you? AIBU, or is it OK to be torn about this?

Absolutely not.
Dont know how old you are but you're Uncle is 62. He is old enough to look after himself by now. If your father wants to look after him while he is alive, thats great but its not your responsiblity to look after him. The guy is 62 fgs. Time to grow up. He could live another 20 years. Like you say, you will end up another enabler as per all the other women in the family so no dont do it and dont feel bad about not doing it.
I imagine youre still young and its hard enough just trying to take responsibility for your own life and any immediate family you have. Let the cousins do it seeing as how theyre closer to him.. Besides a letter of wishes is just that, Wishes. Youre not legally bound by it.

Friendlycat has beat me to it. For me, the arrangement is far too woolly. If your dad left you a sum outright, you'd be free to choose what you do with it, whether that's buy a bigger house, invest it, take lots of expensive holidays or buy a luxury handbag collection. Whatever. It would be entirely your decision. With your Dad's arrangement, who's the arbiter of "need"? Will you have it on your conscience that you're off on holiday while your uncle is out doing a nightshift to pay his gas bill? If he gets wind of the LoW, will be be pestering you and asking you to justify your expenditure (whether it came from the inheritance or not) if he's struggling? If he has CF tendencies already and you're not on the best of terms now, it's a recipie for a lot of angst. Your angst. I'd try and explain this to your Dad and (if you feel able) come up with a solution you're both happy with.

OP, I understand your feelings perfectly. It all depends on interpretation of the word "need", and if you are a conscientious person this will always be hanging over you.

If you have the sort of relationship with your DF that would make it possible, I would explain to him how you feel, that it’s not about the money but the uncertainty it leaves you in. What does "need" mean? What if you "need" it not to buy food but to move into a nicer house, or into a more expensive area, or would like an expensive holiday, or to pay more into your pension pot? it is not fair for your DF to put the decision and associated guilt onto you.

It would be far better for your father to either leave your uncle a lump sum (and if he wastes it that’s his choice) or, if he insists, to direct you to pay uncle a set small amount each month/year for the rest of his life. That way, at least you would know where you stood.

Your father had, presumably at least in earlier life, a strong relationship with his brother. You don’t and never have had, and it’s unfair if your father to be tying you into one like this.

Well you will need all the money , won’t you? So uncle will not get anything.

I wouldn’t give him a dime. This family conditioning to pander to this man has allowed him to be a baby all
his life. He probably had more than his share of his own mother’s money.

I see a problem here....How is the estate actually left? is it all left to you or what? It seems to me to be a very messy setup. I get the secondary executor in case the first one predeceases the testator thing, I have got a similar arrangement in my will. I also get the way this would niggle, that your father is binding his burden on you. The options that I see are
that you can tell your Dad "no"
that you can not say anything to your Dad and then decide what to do after he dies
that you can not say anything to your Dad and ignore the letter of wishes

How savvy is your "uncle"? and how much does your dad support him now? I know its a reach and you'd need to get advice or encourage your dad to do so but is there any possiblity that your uncle could challenge the will on the grounds that your father supports him and he is therefore a dependant?

Your Dad is looking to you to supervise this Man-Baby when he's gone. Exactly - he'll be gone. But you will have responsibility for the Feckless Uncle as well as your own life and matters therein.
You are being designated to spoon-feed this guy who, by the sound of it, will be pretty content to use you as a safety net, having 'form' for this kind of behaviour with others in the family.
As soon as your Father has passed then don't feel bad about ripping up his letter of wishes. It's unfair of him to try and direct your life from beyond the grave.

In the event, if you just want to make him a one-off payment and wash your hands of him, you can always make a ‘deed of variation’ to the will. Dh and his brothers did this for a brother who’d been left out for a reason that was valid enough when the will was made, but was no longer.
All the heirs do have to agree to it, though.

@godmum56 it's just me – only child and sole beneficiary.

who is the executor? only the exec and you ever need to know about the letter and it is not legally binding

I'd tell him to leave it all to his brother. You'll make your own way in life. I couldn't be bothered with stuff that comes with strings.

if the Op is the only beneficiary, there is no need to make a deed of variation. Once the bills and taxes are paid and the money is in her hands, she can do whatever she likes without reference to anyone else.

I have a letter of wishes with my will and so does my husband. I think your dad has left it intentionally woolly - they often are. You do a letter of wishes when you want the people left behind to have discretion over what they do with the estate (and also if you have a lot of money and don't want exact details of the estate to be public). I think your dad wants you to have what you need and the option of using it to look after his brother if your brother needs that and you're happy to do it.

So you don't have to follow it. My husband and I are both aware that our executors could decide to do something very different than we've asked. You can talk to your dad if you want but honestly I'd just take advice from a solicitor to make sure that your understanding of your duties (i.e. you don't have to do what the letter says) is correct and if it is I'd leave it.

DoV would take it out of her estate though if that became an issue

did you not read the OP? The OP is the executor unless she dies before her father, if this happens, the duty falls to her cousin(s) which is why she is concerned that they might also know about the letter now.

What has your dad actually put in his will? And how does this relate to the ‘letter of wishes’? Is he leaving you the money then asking you to take care of your uncle if you don’t need it?

???

Paying him a monthly stipend is hardly an onerous task. Set up a monthly direct debit and adjust it maybe once a year to allow for inflation/ if care costs change. That's it done. There's no obligation to actually see or interact with the man.

Yabu

I would respect the wishes in the letter by always needing the money for myself.
It surely will be needed for the next house you buy, the next car you need, new sofa, new kitchen etc etc.

I'd make damn sure that I always needed it even if it was going into savings, aren't we all told to have a minimum of 6 months worth of salary saved, no ones ever mentioned an upper limit.

I reckon this is your dads way of being seen to be the nice guy to the brother, but knows you are clever enough to find ways around giving him money. I'd also be certain that the brother never saw the letter of wishes, because that will have him begging all the time.

If you save all of your salary you will always need your inheritance.

The named executors on my will have never seen it, although my dc know the rough terms. Your cousins will not have seen the will, or the letter of wishes unless your father showed it to them.

I second the advice of several others. Your df is doing what he can to protect his money for your needs, but is making himself feel a bit better by including a vague statement in his wishes.

Unless your df is very old, or ill and likely to die soon, I would just accept it and stop thinking about it. Who knows what may happen? Your df may need care and have no money left. Your uncle may do something else reckless or unkind and cause your df to rip up the letter of wishes. When the time comes you may have 'needs' or your dc may have needs, and you can consider your df's wishes then.

If you do decide to give anything to your uncle do it all at arms length. For example, a fund set up, managed by a solicitor, where the capital is protected and your uncle receives the interest only on a monthly basis (maybe the retained capital could cover the cost your uncle's funeral?). That way he is not coming to you for money, or to request sums from the capital amount. Of course at current interest rates the interest available monthly wouldn't be a huge amount, about £100 per month from £20,000, but that might be sufficient to honour your df's wishes, especially knowing that no-one else in the family is left with the cost of uncle's funeral.

Well you are certainly not being unreasonable to feel this way. It's absolutely shocking that this wastrel has had 60 odd years of money and female emotional support from the family and you do not need to take this on.
Question is what to do. I guess it depends on your relationship with your dad, and how far you can press your view, how much his rescuer identity means to him and how guilty or not you might feel if you go against his wishes. If he feels very strongly about this and you want to make him feel better and to go to his grave maintaining the idea that he's supporting his brother then smile and nod, but ignore the stipulation when he's gone. If you feel you can't do that because you'd feel too bad then you need to confront this head on and resolve it. Make it clear you cannot do this and he needs to make other arrangements. Either way you must make sure this isn't your responsibility (which it really isn't).

But if that’s what OP's father would like to happen, why doesn’t he put that in his will instead of putting the responsibility and the guilt on OP?

well that makes it a bit easier. Would you feel able to decide what you WOULD be prepared to do if appropriate (buy uncle an annuity, hand over lump sum) and what you would NOT be prepared to do (basically "parent" your uncle) and lay this out for your Dad. Point out that circs change and you may not know what your uncle is doing and what he might need and while he (your Dad) can ASK you to step in financially, he can't ASK you to make sure to stay in contact with your uncle and that this could affect what he wants to happen.

I think if your dad wants to 'rescue' his brother that's all well and good, but he shouldn't bring you into it. It puts you in an unfair position. Just tell him you can't have that kind of responsibility and he will need to work out another way.

Because he wants OP to have priority on the money. OP is financially comfortable now, but something could happen to change that and if so his daughter is his priority, not his brother.