To feel sad I'm going to end up 'managing' another man

[twentyoneteacups]

Aware I might be setting myself up for attack by posting in AIBU for this, but here goes...

My dad's been sorting out his will recently, and adding a Letter of Wishes - things that don't go in the will itself but offer guidelines for how he'd like some other things to be handled.

One of the items in the Letter of Wishes is about his younger brother.

They come from a pretty well-off family, and this brother, my uncle, has lived his life accordingly. He recently got his first job (at 62 years old) after spending his life gambling, being funded by his mother (my grandmother), and chasing 'big deals with the Saudis' that never come to fruition.

A few years ago his 'luck' with the Bank of Mum ran out, and he's since sold his fancy Central London flat (bought for him by their parents), moved into his sister (my aunt)'s house for 2 years rent-free and then when she ran out of patience (she's a saint and takes beautiful care of everyone around her), a granny-flat in a neighbour's garden. He's got a job as a van driver and is earning now, which is good, but he's going to be in trouble when it comes to his later life.

He didn't like my mother, and so cut any meaningful contact with my dad when they got married. He's never sought any kind of relationship with me at all – contrasted with his relationship with my cousins (my aunt married 'well', so he was in their lives quite enthusiastically).

Which brings us to my dad's Letter of Wishes.

Dad has said that if I need money from his estate, I should put that need first. But if I don't, and his brother outlives him, he wants me to use the money to take care of his brother – not leaving him a lump sum (because he'll gamble it away), but to pay him a monthly stipend and cover his care.

Essentially, to make sure his brother is OK.

It's very 'my dad', wanting to take care of family no matter what, and I love that about him, AND there's a part of me that's pretty... miffed.

I've found myself repeatedly in relationships with men where I've ended up leaving because they started relying on my finances, borrowing and not paying back, expecting me to cough up for big purchases, doing the 'financial management' of our relationship for them, and this feels like a repeat version of this – but for a family member who has never taken an interest in me nor done much to take care of himself.

It's not that I want whatever money my dad leaves behind all for myself – I've worked damn hard to get to a place where I'm financially stable on my own and should be fine in the future without anything that my dad leaves me – it's more the mental and emotional load of being my uncle's financial 'carer'.

Yet again, it feels like, men get to do whatever they want, and in swoop the women (my grandmother, my aunt, and now potentially me) to do the work of rescuing and 'making it all ok'.

I feel guilty for being frustrated by this, because of course I don't want my uncle to suffer later in life - I don't want that for anyone. He's not been 'family' to me, but he is my dad's family, and I'll respect my dad's wishes, and honour his values. Heck - it may never even come to that point, but it is niggling at me.

So I guess I'm looking for either some validation for my feelings, or a good Mumsnet-style head-wobble... how does it all land with you? AIBU, or is it OK to be torn about this?

The only technical part of this that feels unclear is that my cousins (who are wonderful) are secondary executors of my dad's estate, so if I predecease them somehow, they're in charge of what happens.

I don't know if that means they've also now seen the Letter of Wishes, and that because they've had a close relationship with my uncle, that'll complicate matters emotionally if this situation ever emerges.

I'm probably overthinking things, as many PPs have said, but it is niggling me!

Less money for me is fine if that's what my dad decides; it's his money to leave, and not mine to pre-negotiate.

I think on point 1, I also wonder what counts as 'needing' the money myself?

What retirement income threshold does that imply?

Does it mean I use it for myself if I can't support myself at all, or does it mean if I don't need it to swan off around the world on a lifetime cruise? (I'm being facetious here - it won't be that much cash!)

A letter of wishes is just that. You don't have to follow the letter, unlike a will.

Perhaps what you could do is secretly set aside a lump sum, a set figure say £20,000 in the bank and if uncle were to ever ask for money, then you could extract some from this account. That way you could honour your dad's wishes. If the money runs out from this account, there's no more to give. And as your uncle isn't a direct beneficiary of your dad's estate, then he won't need to know about your dad's wishes.

I'd not read too much into it. Your uncle may or may not contact you for money. If he doesn't then that lump sum would be yours to keep rather than uncle squandering it.

It's given your dad comfort to have written this letter. Fine, sorted in his head.

For you, I would just park it in the future. There are so many what ifs? Who dies in what order, in what state, at what age.

You can choose to make your decisions then. Don't mention anything now and risk turning wishes into a trust you can't wriggle out of. With wishes you can see how things go.

Given the details you've put here, in the sad event of your dad dieing soon, I'd not mention the letter of wishes to your uncle and just wait and see whilst he's on a steady path. Of course your dad could be around for another 20 years and be comforted that with his wishes letter everything is sorted. And in 20 years you can think again or your uncle might have predeceased.

I've come across a few men who've lived a life like your uncle. Honestly, they don't give shit about anyone, ever, accept as a means to an end. They tend to get more clumsy, more obvious and thankfully less fertile as they get older.

Why should she spend a single penny on this fuckwit?

I'd speak to your dad and say you'd prefer a cleaner arrangement. So something like a fixed sum available for use by your uncle if needed. He could make your cousins trustees of it, then it won't concern you at all. Would reduce the amount directly available to you but avoids worrying about it.

That's the problem with it for me OP, too many if's and but's and decisions for you to make when it should be up to your dad. He's inadvertently passing the buck and making you responsible when it should be his decision what happens to his money, and I don't blame you for not being comfortable with that.

You aren't overthinking things, you are just not clear about what you want.

Either your dad wants to set aside money, in which case he needs to do it or he doesn't.

If you don't say or do anything now, you will be in this forever. It isn't his place to sign you up for a lifetime of involvement. Also, why do your cousins need to be secondary executors? Are you not able to do this yourself? This all seems like a shit show of crossing over complications and confusion.

@AlisonDonut the cousins are in place in case my dad dies AND I die – legally there needs to be a just-in-case backup.

Which is all normal, it's just I don't know if it means they've also now seen the letter and will be expecting something / judging me / assuming something about my financial status based on what I do or don't do about my uncle.

They're lovely people, and I don't expect anything malicious from them, it's just, as you've said, another complicating factor.

@twentyoneteacups a letter of wishes is simply that! a letter of wishes!!! it is not a letter of necessity. I, if i was you, would be "needing" the money to secure your own future and that of any children which you may have. I wonder if your father is actually giving him a monthly allowance at the moment???

The letter says that if you need money from the estate that you should put that need first. I would focus on that.

I wouldn't bother explaining anything to your dad. Let him make his will and write his letter of wishes. It will make him feel better.

Of course he won't be around any more by the time his will and letter come into play, at which point you do not have to step into the role of rescuer for his no-marks brother.

There is absolutely no benefit (to you) in tying yourself in knots over a piece of paper that will essentially become meaningless when your father passes.

Don't worry and don't beat yourself up.

She doesn't have to. As I said its a letter of wishes. She could just say there's no money for uncle at all.

But since the money isn't hers until her dad passes away, it's what he would have wanted. Its down to whether or not she wants to honour her dads wishes. Of course if dad puts a set figure in his will for uncle, then when uncle passes, the money will never revert back to OP. What if dad puts a figure of £50,000 for uncle? Whereas at the moment, the present will shows she maintains control, how much and if she wants to part with any money at all.

It’s a letter of wishes not the ark of the covenant, just ignore it. Surely you ‘need’ any money left by your dad for some sunny holidays?

Look if he really wants your uncle to be ok then he sets it in his will that there is a trust fund.

You are right OP, the expectation of some men that we have to take care of them is extremely irritating.

It's all rather open ended and open to personal interpretation.

For instance a monthly stipend to cover care of your uncle could involve his monthly rent and all utilities plus living allowance - at what price would this be?

You needing money from the estate and putting yourself first can mean any number of things. Paying off your mortgage, enjoying some extensive travel and a bit of luxury.

Is this something you can talk to your father about to gain further insight into what he actually is suggesting within his Letter of wishes? Or is he just passing the responsibility and decision over to you?

If the will has only just been drafted then you are still taking this in. Hopefully in a month or two you will realise you have the freedom to do as you please with the money. It sounds like a sop to your Fathers conscience doing it this way which I understand and far better than seeing your Uncle getting a lump sum after a life of entitlement

By trying to be kind your Dad is setting up a terrible situation for you, and so I think you should be quite forceful in explaining to your Dad why this is a totally misguided proposal.

He is kicking the can down the road and loading you with the moral responsibility for your uncles welfare. The supposed freedom of “you don’t need to give him anything if you need the money” is setting you up for having to make a prioritisation decisions about your money for the rest of your uncles life, not just a one off. Any fun you have in your life your Dad is expecting you to navigate offsetting a guilt trip about your uncles quality of life.

Your dad is indulging his conscience with cake and eating it.
He needs to make a moral decision himself. Decide how much to leave to his brother, which could be in trust. Beyond that there is the welfare state.

I'd tell your dad if he wants his useless, layabout, user of a brother to piss away all his hard earned savings, then he'll need to give it to him some other way. YOu're not comfortable or interested in getting involved, and it hurts that he's prioritise someone who happily wasted his life and mooched off everyone else instead of his own daughter who worked hard to stand on her own two feet.

You set up a direct debit and then forget about it, after you’ve made it clear to uncle that there will never be more than the monthly amount.

It doesn’t have to be a mental load.

I wouldn't be helping anyone who treated my mum like that.

But you don't want him written into his will either. If he leaves him £50k and you the rest of his estate and then care home fees eat into his estate leaving only £40k then he will get the lot. That clearly isn't what your dad wants.

I'd just leave it as is, and then do what you want when the time comes.

@Carrelli "The supposed freedom of “you don’t need to give him anything if you need the money” is setting you up for having to make a prioritisation decisions about your money for the rest of your uncles life, not just a one off. Any fun you have in your life your Dad is expecting you to navigate offsetting a guilt trip about your uncles quality of life."

Putting it like that has really brought it into a new focus for me – thank you. You're quite right – and since a chunk of what I inherit from my dad is unlikely to be liquid, it affects a lot of my decision-making.

PPs are also quite right that I don't have to attend to this at all – but it will always be in the back of my mind...

Absolutely this. Your dad is taking the piss with this. If he wants his brother taken care of, it's up to him to earmark money now.

No way would I do this.

But how much is this 'monthly amount' if it's based on an unclear self-assessment of my 'need'?

I get what you mean OP, take the money you need, if any left then I would follow your Dad's wishes (then it won't play on your mind). To discharge the responsibility asap I would buy an annuity for your uncle that pays monthly if possible - then close that door. If your uncle hasn't got any SEN / Disability then he can take care of himself.