My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Next time he tags along say "Come along if you are going to be engaged with our kids, but if not, then please don't come as last time your attitude was awful"

But also ask him where he would like to go this weekend with your kids. "We need to get the kids out, it was obvious you didn't enjoy the shopping centre, where would you like to go"

Sod making excuses. “Ooh maybe he’s introverted” “He might not enjoy shopping.” So, he either doesn’t go or he puts on a fake persona for a bit! If he’s got mental health needs, he owes it to his children. and to himself to seek support.

I would have a serious talk with him about his children’s interpretation of his behaviour. They will grow up one day and remember this, does he want that? My dad was (and indeed still is) a miserable arse around children, despite apparently desperately wanting to be a parent. My childhood memories are him being a grump and misery. Fortunately, my parents divorced and I only spent half a day a week with him so most memories from older childhood are ones with my mum who wasn’t selfish. I hated our small slot of time with him, he couldn’t even fake enjoyment of his own children for 4 hours a week?!! He begs for days out with the grandchildren and then when we get there, complains and he’s grumpy. Last time, I suggested he can go home if he’s not having fun but I am no longer booking days out. It’s so fucking tedious. They have parents so it’s not that he needs to parent. He asks to have “grandpa fun days” but he’s incapable of not being miserable and whiny. The toddler is easier to placate than he is!

No, I don’t genuinely enjoy a lot of the stuff I do with the kids but they’re happy and it’s for their benefit and I tolerate loud, noisy places for them because they’re my children. I want them to have life experiences even if I don’t want to trek into London to be bombarded with noise and other peoples children at the science museum all day. I didn’t want to see Moana at the cinema, I wanted to see Wicked but I love my children and I chose them. So, I saw Wicked another time and they adored Moana 2 so that’s what matters.

There are few things worse than doing something you hate with two whinging kids in tow, so I have sympathy with him on that front but he needs to use his imagination and organise something with them that he enjoys.

I'd be telling him that I wouldn't accept moodiness / silent treatment / whinging from my kids and I won't accept it from him. Adults can have fun and enjoy themselves without being directed by anyone else. Kids can't. Nobody likes kids parties, or soft play, or pushing kids on swings for ages, but it's part of what you sign up to if you're a parent. And it's made harder for you if you have a moaning grumpy adult, a young child, and a toddler to look after.

It's not an option not to take them out so his options are either -
Have less family days out but take them out one on one
Take turns taking them both out so you don't have to see his miserable face
You take them out, he doesn't join, but he takes over for an equivalent amount of time at home so you have a break
He pretends to be enjoying himself and interested in what the kids are up to, like every other fucking parent has to

Stop giving him space. Tell him what my DH once said to me when I was having a moan - "You're not supposed to enjoy family outings, you're just supposed to have them" (which made me laugh and the day went a lot better after that!) And tell him to put on a cheerful face for the children because he's teaching them to be moany.

A family day out should be a mix of things adults enjoy and things kids enjoy. Time limit things if it helps - 15 minutes browsing the computer games or the tech if that's what he likes, 15 mins window shopping for whatever you like too. And no moaning while it's someone else's turn to have fun.

I was going to say leave the kids' fun til last so they have a reward / something to look forward to, but maybe it's your husband who need to hear "WHEN the kids have had a ride on the cars THEN you can look at the tech"!

I would tell him you’re sick off him ruining everything and if he thinks his child’s birthday party is a ball ache then fuck off out. I would say he seems depressed and needs to go to the gp and therapy and you would support him 100% but if he is not prepared to go for treatment then you and children are better without him. He needs you to put your foot down and tell him how awful he is being and it’s impacting you all. Don’t bring your children up to walk on eggshells around him, he either seeks treatment or leave

I’d be pretty miserable too if I had to take 2 little kids to a shopping centre.

Do you ever speak to him about his behaviour?

Yeah, ends up in an argument usually.

He does this so he doesn't have to do anything with the DC.

I used to look forward to things when my DS was small but like other parents some things left me cold. But I still did them because he wanted to.

To not enjoy your child's birthday party so odd.

But would you bitch and complain and ruin everyone else's day, or suck it up like a grown up?

I agree that it is legit to find going to shopping centre with small kids hell on earth, and also that it is NOT legit to make your partner and the children tense and unhappy by not having some control over your emotions.

Also the fact that he disappeared as soon as you got home very telling. So that would be him deciding that you are doing the parenting solo, then, since he's made his decision on what he's going to do.

It may be worth the effort to ask him to plan a trip out of any sort with the kids that he thinks he might enjoy, and to talk about the basic fucking adulting that is looking for the positives when with the kids. But even then if I'm honest I'd have a backup plan. Up to you whether you feel the genuine chance of him being a better dad to older kids - it does happen- is worth gritting your teeth at this stage.

I think I’ll be trying this one!

So you were going to go to the shopping centre by yourself leaving him at home with the kids but then he said he would come? And then complained all the time. How do you organise who has the kids when? It sounds like he doesn't want to have the kids.

My DH hates shopping with kids and tbh I do to with younger kids. Maybe ask him what activity he would prefer to do with kids? So you all do something you each enjoy.maybe the park may be a better alternative with a packed lunch so your all flexible on when whoever wants to eat can.

I am sorry but a fun day in a shopping centre sounds like absolutely hell. I don't blame your husband for wanting to go home

I feel stressed just at the thoughts of it, how is packed noisy hot building with bad air and people bumping into to all the time fun

I now have the rage

I'm cautious about taking kids out to eat in shopping malls.
It IS very stressful - no fences, fast sugary foods, kids all revved up. I'm for having fruit on hand and having a quick snack break, finishing the food shop then going home.
I could never relax and enjoy an outing like you had, Op.

I would choose a lunch box of salad and cheese, a water bottle and a large fenced park every day. I could lunch relaxed every day at home or at a beach too.

I don't find your DH's reaction odd.
However, I would request and expect that he jollies himself up and stops being miserable. Also insist that he actively parents the children about the same time as you do.

If he genuinely has the sads about being withhis children, he needs to talk to a professional to change that.

I think for a lot of men (and some women) they want children in an abstract sort of way. They like the idea of them, but not the reality of them. This sounds like your husband to me. He wants the children, but he doesn't enjoy the day-to-day-ness of having them.

He needs to wind his neck in. The children might not notice it now, but they will eventually pick up on him being a grumpy cunt and they won't forget it. He doesn't need to enjoy it, but he does need to keep his dislike off his face.

My ex was like this, always got in a bad mood and wanted to rush home. Spoilt every trip out. Seperating was the best thing, he makes the effort to enjoy it now

some fathers start to enjoy it a bit more once you clear 5 years.

Some!

A shopping centre with a 3 and 5 yo is hardly a fun day out though is it? I couldn’t think of much worse. Neither is a little kid’s birthday party my idea of a good time. Is it always these sort of activities? However if your days out also include things like a nice country walk/visit to a National Trust property/aquarium/farm/theme parks/picnics at the park etc then he is unreasonable not to want to spend family time out together.

So, to get this straight. When you take the kids out, he says he wants to come, then (once out) says he want to go home and acts miserable. Then, when asked why he wants to go home or is miserable says: ”What do you want me to do?”

The straight answer would be, to be good company to you and the kids and not nag about going home, if he’s suggested he’ll come. Because it’s disrespectful and to, frustrating for, you. Like dragging a dead weight around.

To get to the bottom of this, you really need to understand why he wants to go home so soon and doesn’t enjoy being out. Could be a myriad of reasons:

• You’re gone a long time, e.g. more than 2-3 hours and it encroaches too much on the weekend, when he needs to recover from work (and so do you, even if a SAHM). In which case, could you mutually agree on a time limit or you take it in turns to take the kids out?

• You tend to go to places he doesn’t like? Shopping malls, soft play etc. Young kids indoor play places used to drive me insane: so soulless and noisy. Perhaps an outdoor walk, such as to woods, country park or a river would be more fun, with a stop at a nice pub.

• Is there a reason he needs to get home and feels uncomfortable while out? Does he feel ill/tired, need the loo or want to get back to watch football matches, play online games etc. What does he do when he ‘withdraws’? He should openly communicate.

• Does he not know how to play with his kids? Does he ever play with them or take them out on his own? How much interest and/or pleasure does he take in them and what they enjoy? What was his own childhood like? Did his dad play with him? Does he feel silly playing with kids in public?

• Does he need to find ways to adapt to being a parent? Does he miss spending time in the day with just the two of you? Do you ever do anything without the kids, even if it’s having a special dinner and watching a film together at home? He’s responsible for co-parenting his kids, so must adapt. But some people struggle, as young kids are very demanding.

He needs to openly communicate how he’s feeling and what he needs. Surely, he can see taking his kids out, not interacting with them and looking miserable isn’t nice for them or how a parent should behave.

No, my position is that we do something that is not going to make me feel like putting a gun to my head, like inexplicably spending a weekend day at a shopping centre.

I think there should be a lot more conversations in society about what parenthood looks like and that one does not have to become a parent. Also that a couple should discuss before hand their expectations.

This type of man gives me the fucking rage.

Begs to have children but what he should have said is, please can we have children but only if you do everything with them and for them and only include me when it looks fun and I can appear to look like a great dad. Otherwise, I'm out.

As a very wise PP said, tell him he is free to fuck off and live somewhere else if he's that miserable or he can be an adult and suck it up and/or get help with being a miserable bastard.

I can’t say a trip to a shopping centre on a Saturday with a three and five year old sounds like a day out, especially if you haven’t had lunch before you set out. What about a trip to a museum such as the science museum with lots of activities, or the Horniman with activities and a park next door, going swimming; or a National Trust visit with lots of space to run about (and so many NT properties have activities and things to play with outside). If you needed to go shopping in person with a child, say getting their feet measured for new shoes, then you could just take one child.