My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Mine can be like this. Depression is a big thing it’s relentless. Can you sit and have a chat about it when the kids are occupied?

Ask him to plan how next weekend will look. He can’t complain at his own plans.

I was going to go by myself tbh and he decided to come along. I didn't force him to go..

He's just like ' what do you want me to do !? ', he acts like he's not doing anything wrong, although he just looks so miserable and doesn't talk.

He will not acknowledge any kid of mental health issue.

Sometimes My husband can be like this and it drives me insane. When he's in this kind of mood I just think I wish I'd come on my own, example yesterday we went to a little countryside town. I asked him do you want a drink "no" do you want to go to the pub for a drink "no" shall we get food "no" do you want to go in any shops "no" do you want a coffee "no" so I'm like what are we doing here then because you don't want to do anything.

Errr they both had kids so why should Op have to take them out alone and then entertain them at home all day. Don’t put up with it Op, it’s not normal and it’s not acceptable.

I personally would be telling him to piss off as I couldn’t put up with a selfish prick.

He sounds so utterly joyless, you need to talk with him about this when the kids are in bed and say the writing is on the wall if he is going to be like this for their entire lives.

He obviously isn't just totally exhausted from work; or he would have less hobbies at the weekend, which presumably take up his energy.

Ask him to be specific about what he finds hard with these days out. Remind him that you would rather be 100 places other than a shopping centre, but things need to be done - these things fall on you and the kids are part of both your lives.

You say he wanted children but here’s the thing, he liked the idea of having children. I’ve come to realise that this is true for the majority of men.
It’s something they think they should do to appear like a proper man.
Society pushes this notion too. A real man has a wife ( now can be just a partner-no need get married) and has children with that woman.
I think your only option here is to have a serious conversation about the responsibility of parenthood.
If you don’t tell him that he has to parent his own children at all times, then you are going to be the one doing algae work.
Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is entirely the woman’s place to solely parent the children? Do you want him to copy his father? Because he will rig this continues and his future partner will blame you.

To answer your question, no my husband was never like this l’m afraid. It appears from what you say that he dislikes/resents caring for his children. I find it interesting that your weekends either seems to be ‘giving him space’ or ‘being with us’. is he ever alone with his children without you?
When is your time for your hobbies? I would be having a conversation with him along those lines and encouraging/insisting he do things with them that don’t include you. He needs to find the joy in his children.

Weaponised cuntery

he knows full well what he’s doing. He knows that if he behaves like a miserable joyless useless arse you’ll stop asking him to come out with you and the DC

“What do you want me to do?” why does he need instructions on how to be with his own children?

its all completely deliberate so he can stay home in peace which is what he really wants

Mine can occasionally be like this. I remind him that if he isn't enjoying family life he's free to fuck off and live somewhere else, as I'm not willing for the DC to live under a dark cloud.... usually snaps him out of it.

Find your anger @sofingmisreable

So he is miserable and detached when you are out and retreats when you are home?

This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him. He chose to be a father. If this was my husband I’d be utterly ashamed of him.

I’d sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect change and I’d seriously consider leaving him if he didn’t.

Stop trying to make time for his hobbies and smoothing things over. This is all on him to fix.

Has he got ANY redeeming qualities?!

Dump him. Don’t give your children a terrible childhood because of a mopey dick. And of course he doesn’t help at home. Jeez what a shit dad. Would your life really be much harder without him?

So he wanted to go with you, he wanted the second kid, and once he gets what he says he wants he decides to ruin it for everyone?

Serious chat needed I think. How is your relationship generally?

My ex was like this.

I used to think it was like dragging a dementor around with us, sucking all the joy out of everything.

Sorry to say it did not get better, actually worse.
What did start to happen was I found myself working so hard to jolly him along.
Being embarrassed by his obvious lack of interest and moaning and walking on eggshells trying to make it better somehow. Trying to overcompensate so the children were not noticing.

However, the kids really began to notice and to this day are very wary of being out with him or inviting him to anything.
We separated and now he is often on his own and is lonely 🤷‍♀️
Being absolutely incapable/ unwilling to care about others feelings will do that to you.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change a selfish, dominating person, you can only change how you deal with it.
Really sorry, I know it is awful.

Top tip. Do everything you can to keep your financial independence from this man.
Some miserable, selfish men like this end up having affairs as they need something ‘just for them’ 🙄

He seriously needs to find some point of connection and shared enjoyment with his kids. And he needs to put the work into doing this.

So if he doesn't believe he has a mental health problem then what he is doing is through his choice.

I wonder how he thinks the children view him. What does he think you think of him when he is just moaning and complaining and dragging his heels the whole time.

I think you have to have a very serious conversation with him about what he thinks parenting involves, what he thinks the marriage involves and why he's so bloody miserable.

Mine can be like this sometimes when out.

He's a brilliant father but gets very anxious about potential dangers to the kids and also is always anticipating the next meltdown or fight, so even if they are ok he's not relaxed and enjoying the moment. Suspect he also has some depression.

Sometimes I'll think he's having a good time and then after the holiday or outing he'll say he was actually not, which is pretty annoying.

After a long while I've got him to start speaking to a therapist, we'll see if it helps.

But he is fully engaged in general so I don't know if it's a similar situation.

Is there a different type of day out or activity that he might be better at? Taking the dc to the park to play football or catch ball? Or swimming. Going for a ramble, picnic, funfair, or an old castle?

Challenge him to organise a fun day out and see what he comes up with.

My ex was like that, it never got better

Were you going to leave him home with the kids? Did he offer to come because it meant bringing the kids so he then didn't have to have sole responsibility?

Sounds like he needs some time alone with the kids so he can build a bond and take up the slack.

Perhaps Saturdays become his day with the kids and he can hobby on a Sunday

Don't let him dump it all on you, he is a father

Is he usually like this, whatever you do?

I would have been annoyed about the shopping centre. This is not my idea of fun with kids and I would be annoyed at the timing (having to buy lunch, then wanting to waste money on the little rides you suggested - but maybe your income allows that).

Did he only suggest joining you to avoid being left home with the kids?
What does he like doing with them?

Ridiculous comment about DD birthday, has he always been this mean?

Is he just struggling with the children at this age or has he always been miserable?

Sounds like my dad. It was obvious from a young age that he didn't want to do anything with us kids. Your kids will definitely pick up on this eventually.