My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

How about you going out and just leaving them at home with him for an afternoon. Home seems to be the place he wants to be in so let him have his way.

My ex was like this, so I started expecting less. It was kind of the beginning of the end for our relationship. I gradually accepted doing all the taking the kids out, all the parties, all the clubs. We started going on holidays without her. Then she stopped spending Christmas with us. All the while complaining that I was turning the dc against her, that I was their favourite (well, of course I was!)

I wasn't even a SAHM - I worked FT and was the breadwinner, as well as the only one who did housework/ shopping/ school meetings etc.

You can imagine how it all ended up. Your dh needs to understand that you can't cherrypick parenting, expect your partner to pick up all the grotty/boring/stressful bits and not pay any price for that. You have to be all in. Not necessarily at every trip to the shops if he truly hates that, but overall.

Amongst the exes and cautionary tales, it's depressing how many apologists for this man and others like him there are on this thread.

He's not a fully-formed human being, he's a dementor in human form who thrives on sucking the joy of of the lives of those around him.

Going to a shopping centre is not a day out in my eyes, it sounds utter shite and a whinging 3 year old on top makes it worse. Maybe some people enjoy shopping but i feel they are a minority, even then surely not with young children? So yeah, if my husband took me on a "day out" to a shopping centre with our young child id be miserable too.

Is he like this on fun days out? Like proper days out to a zoo or a science centre etc?

I do get at their young age going anywhere is a bit of a stress and never fully enjoyable but fun places have their happy moments!

I loved taking my dc to the shopping mall! A little lunch with multiple options some people watching playing in the play areas with other children and riding rides I especially liked this in the cold weather or on a long Sunday I took my dc many many places and most by myself. Ex DH was incapable of enjoying a day out with our children… not the park not the beach not swimming lessons not the shopping mall not the garden. He was immediately frustrated then bored then mean as fuck to me. Of course he sucked and was having an affair Lots of them. He wanted to be anywhere but with me or dc. Of course once we divorced he wanted them 50% which he didn’t get but I got more than 50% of our wealth so I took my dc many many places on his money and it was great. DC today will vacation with him as he can afford world travel but they do not prefer to be “at home” with him or have him visit and stay at their homes. He’s still joyless. It’s difficult OP and I hope your DH can find a way to be engaged and involved with his DC.

Very late to reply OP but some people cannot experience any pleasure that isn't self focused. So cannot get any joy from seeing their children happy unless it centers on their own happiness in which the children happen to be able to join in. Your husband sounds like someone neurologically incapable of feeling a positive emotion in response to another (ie cannot experience empathy). Makes for a very difficult parenting journey!

I have one and he just turned 3 the other day. My husband is a total p...k, when he's home he's only tired and has to rest (read:play some childish game on his phone ignoring our son). He's work is the most relaxing thing ever - no pressure, hardly anything to do. Unlike me, staying home with a very active toddler. At the same time he complains that house is a mess or if there's no food. Not mentioning how angry he becomes if I tell him to get off and rake care if him- mostly he wants to put him something to watch. My heart brakes hearing little one saying:"Daddy" with his eyes excited when he comes home and how a minute later he dumps him to be on his own as his Majesty needs to rest and play bulls..t game. I'm seriously considering separation, this is not life my little one deserves. Not mentioning how he is showing off on FB, posting pics of them 2 and people comenting how great daddy he is. Makes me sick. At home he hardly does anything, but yes he cooks on his off days, he's an excellent cook, but that's all he is. Not a good man, husband or a father. God knows what kind of lesson I needed to learn that I married him.

She didn’t take him anywhere, he’s apparently a grown up himself and decided to go. He wasn’t in his buggy or on his reins or forced to attend any event he didn’t want to go too. She took the children, because they’re children.

Three year ago olds whinge even if they’re in Disneyland, it’s a thing they do,

how is he on fun days out? Filter the OPs responses and you’ll find out 🤷‍♀️. OP is unlikely to come back because of the ridiculous comments from people who don’t like shopping or having lunch, letting the children go on rides and buying them balloons which most children love.

He'll probably never change. My husband's the opposite, loves his time with our child and seems to have more fun than him when we go out together. A man either enjoys being around children, or he doesn't. I would sit him for a serious conversation, let him know he needs to change, and if he doesn't, I'd leave him. Why would you want such a father for your children?

What's his relationship like with his dad and did he have a happy upbringing - was his dad kiddie-friendly or did everything fall to mum?

I think some posters are missing the point.
It doesn’t matter what the children are doing- their father is completely disinterested in them. He has even described his own child’s birthday party as ‘a ball ache.’ How is that in anyway shape or form acceptable?
It is not compulsory to keep having children, it really isn’t. People with this mind set should not be breeding. Imagine being a child and knowing full well that your parent cannot stand spending time with you, how soul destroying. This will impact on the child and it will shape how they view what a parent should be. Sometimes that child will vow not to be like their own parent, but in the majority of cases, this style of parenting will continue throughout the generations. The son will believe that it is the wife’s job to do things with the children and not the fathers.
I can imagine many parents don’t find potty training a scream, but it is a necessary part of parenting. Should we all just not do it because we would rather be doing something else?
The father wanted to come, he knows what a shopping centre is. I’m guessing the alternative was him staying home with one or both DCs and he didn’t fancy having to parent his own DCs so thought he’d tag along to save himself.
Yes I get it could be his idea of hell but he has children now, his needs don’t come first. We all have to do things we don’t want to do when we are parents, that us part of the deal.

in Answer to your question, YES my husband was like this, he is now my ex husband for pretty much this very reason!
He very much wanted a child and we tried for a few years, was thrilled when I finally fell pregnant, and then hated pretty much everything else…. I was really sick during pregnancy and he was very selfish and stroppy that I was ill to go out shopping (his favourite past time!)…. I remember him sulking and saying ‘can we go to X today’ and dragging myself out in the car sick bucket in hand…. I remember once doing a dog walk with him and being in the trees puking and him saying ‘stop it there’s someone coming!!’….. and then hobbling back to the car and him saying ‘can we go to a garden centre!’….. no thought or care at all… it was horrific!!
We took DD to a ball park when she was little, got ourselves a table and she was happily off playing with the other kids there, like your DH he was asking ‘can we go yet!’…. He was bored etc!! I told him it wasn’t about him!!!! Every weekend he dragged me and DD around town, round camping shops, that sort of thing…
until she hit an age here she didn’t want to go shopping anymore, I’d blackmail her with ‘we’ll get a subway and a bubble tea… but he’d moan about that and refuse to eat when we did… sulking instead because he wanted to walk round shops… honestly it was like having a silky teenager, if I ever said anything I was met with him sulking off to the bedroom to watch stuff on his iPad… same response if we wanted to watch something on TV that he didn’t want to watch! And the stuff he liked was just dreadful! When he said he was leaving I was relieved!…. He’s been gone 3 years and seen DD once (his choice)…. Says it all really!

some men like the idea of having children but the reality is very different for them… some men can’t cope with having to put someone else’s wants and needs above their own…
The answer is to perhaps get up and take the kids out without him…. I used to take my DD to Butlins every year for a week and leave DH home, because after a couple of years of him coming and either not wanting to go swimming, or wanting to get out after half hour… or pissing me off in some other way it just got easier to go without him…. It meant I could plan the time there to entertain DD and get the most out of it for her, without him sulking about having to watch a certain show or eat at a
certain time etc…. Honestly he was worse than DD & I envied my single mum friends being able to do what they liked when the liked with their kids…
and I bloody love being single now, we get up on weekends and do whatever we like without having to ask or worry that it will annoy him…
Even when he left, he wanted to do a final day out, he chose a theme park, booked and paid for it… we went and he refused to go on some of the rides with DD, her voice saying ‘please daddy’ still echo’s in my head…& him getting angry at her pleas!…. I ended up going on it with her, which is fine except it was his farewell day out, we then did a night down the beach the night before his train to leave us… we took a flask of hot water and took drinks, pot noodles etc and while me and DD went in the sea he just sat on the chairs on the beach, no effort to make memories for DD.. sad really… after he left and had been gone a little while she could tell how different things were and asked why I stayed with him as long as I did!! Shes happier and find that so sad because I have a wonderful dad who always enjoyed doing things with his 4 kids!

Fatherhood REALLY changed my DH, I’ve excepted that now, and moved on and adapted to being a single mum.

I haven't read all replies, so apologies if it's already been said.
Is there any chance your DH has ASD?
My adult DS has and finds crowds difficult and even the thought of going where there are other people and queuing really anxiety provoking.
He does make himself go out with his DW and my DGC but she will often remark how it's not always a pleasant experience with him. He can get snappy and just wants to get home most times.
He will always opt to stay home if that's an option.
I get that some men are just selfish arses, I was married to one but there is often more to it than selfish. Anxiety can be very disabling and be hard for family members to understand or deal with. Also, if people are undiagnosed, which most are, their behaviour can just be put down to being selfish or difficult. Something my DS had throughout his school years.

I have no advice sadly, but came here to say this sounds exactly like my father, iam 52, but all my growing up life he was a misery.
Myself my sister and my were very close, we loved to laugh he would tell us to be quiet and shut his self in another room...even when my mother was dying he didn't like us laughing, he used to go mad if I kissed the dog(iam very affectionate)
As kid we had the most misrable holidays in caravans in Scotland pissing rain, had to sit in silence while he read library books. I longed for fun holidays and a fun dad, I used to see school friends photos of holidays at butlins (in the 70s!) Having fun, I longed for this. He never interacted with us, when he came home from.work,obvs little girlscwant to tell their dad what's happened at school, he used to look from behind his newspaper, and bark shut up and go away, then mum ushered us away from him saying come on leave dad alone. I mean ffs just writing this sounds absolutely appalling behaviour.
I think we were just another of his projects he got board of, when he realised you can't control kids and tell them to sit down shut up be seen and not heard while he read books all day. I begged my mum to get rid of him even as a 12 year old.
Sadly my mum died 14 years ago, we are asstranged from the misrable twat now have been since mum.died, but that's a whole other story!! ...that is very hard to believe for mist people.
Op please dump your misrable husband, he sounds like my dad , and it's horrible growing up with a misrable father.

Have you considered he might have an issue being out in public or are you just making this about you?

Kids are for the most part boring drudgery, difference between men and women is that women are usually in on the secret. When reality hits some men don't want this,they only want the edited highlights, you know the kind you see on Facebook,' my world' ' making memories blah blah. We as a society have to promote the idea that kids are the dog's bollox, otherwise nobody would have them lol, there's still a hell of a lot of social currency comes with having children too, so if you you can have them, palm the drudgery off on someone else whilst simultaneously basking in the glory, win win. Get rid OP if you're going to be doing the grunt work anyway cos he's checked out let him fuck off and not have any of the pleasure either.

Gosh then I guess he should have thought about that before begging op to have kids!
I suspect he has zero issue being outside at his car hobby. Maybe he's just making it all about him.

Why did he ask to go then?

I thought it was now in the wedding vows 'I will never drag you to the Shopping Centre'. Next time, have a good look around. Can you see one single man enjoying it unless he's on his own.

Well seeing as he insisted on going with them she's in the clear on that one.

I could have written this myself, we have 3 kids 6, 10 and 12 and my husband is exactly the same, never wants to do anything and when we do he has a face like a slapped a*. I've now just started taking the kids out myself, we have much more fun! And I think its him missing out and one day he will regret that he's missed out on the kids

Describing your child’s birthday celebration as a ball ache is completely unacceptable. It’s almost abusive.

To be entirely honest, when the DC were In the party years, the parties were a ball ache. 20-30 children with fun to organise for two hours, plus a lunch/tea and party bag. It was an absolute ball ache but we didn't let it show. Often DH was working and I hired help.

You need to tell him. Tell him clearly without any overdone emotion. He sounds horrible. He wanted children does he want his children to remember his miserable attitude when they ate older? My husband was fantastic with my children they are in their 30s and they still talk about things they did. He took 3 on a train to EuroDisney. They won't be small forever. You could point out that you didn't choose to be a single parent. Get him to practise by taking them individually. He need to grow up.

Maybe he insisted because op is forceful. He's not here to give his side of the story.