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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

481 replies

sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 08:04

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

OP posts:
12345mummy · 26/01/2025 09:57

Could you take one child out each? 3 and 5 can have different interests and often at that age we found you get the most joy when you’re one on one. It’ll be a benefit to all of you.

MumWifeOther · 26/01/2025 09:58

For what it’s worth, I think he’s acting like a dick and I wouldn’t be okay with this behaviour. However, I do think days out are generally stressful with little kids and unless I HAD to, I wouldn’t drag them round a shopping centre especially on a Saturday afternoon. Could you not scale “days out” back for more chilled family time? Nature walk, quick trip to playground, watching a film at home etc? Days out tend to get easier once the kids get older and less needy. Keep it simple when they’re little and you might find days are more enjoyable x

Original poster
sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 09:59

LadyLapsang · 26/01/2025 09:55

I can’t say a trip to a shopping centre on a Saturday with a three and five year old sounds like a day out, especially if you haven’t had lunch before you set out. What about a trip to a museum such as the science museum with lots of activities, or the Horniman with activities and a park next door, going swimming; or a National Trust visit with lots of space to run about (and so many NT properties have activities and things to play with outside). If you needed to go shopping in person with a child, say getting their feet measured for new shoes, then you could just take one child.

That's not the point though. Just because you don't deem it appropriate. For us, it's a day out. My kids enjoy it. I let them have fun. I buy them balloons, I let them go on rides, I buy them ice cream.. I get them toys, a new water bottle- whatever. I take them to the playground after.

He's the same, whatever we do anyway. Museum is even worse tbh. Having to stand around in queues and stuff like that, he gets even more frustrated.

OP posts:
SlowSeasons · 26/01/2025 09:59

I haven't rtft, but I do think if mum does majority of parenting and dad is mostly at work - they just have a completely unrealistic idea of what going out with kids is like. Takes time to adjust.

My husband was a bit of a sourpuss for awhile so I would remind him before an outing that he needed to adjust his expectations and then he switched gears and now he's fine. He has less patience than me in general, but he also spends A LOT less time with the kids and imo it's an acquired skill.

Equally, your DH could just be an arse.

Original poster
sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 10:00

MumWifeOther · 26/01/2025 09:58

For what it’s worth, I think he’s acting like a dick and I wouldn’t be okay with this behaviour. However, I do think days out are generally stressful with little kids and unless I HAD to, I wouldn’t drag them round a shopping centre especially on a Saturday afternoon. Could you not scale “days out” back for more chilled family time? Nature walk, quick trip to playground, watching a film at home etc? Days out tend to get easier once the kids get older and less needy. Keep it simple when they’re little and you might find days are more enjoyable x

We got there at 12 and left at 2 max. It's not a whole day thing anyway. It wasn't even that busy.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 26/01/2025 10:01

Sounds like he'll soon have all the bloody space he wants... I would not be prepared to live like this and would be making plans to leave.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 10:01

Getting out of the house and into a different environment is far better than watching a film at home. A shopping centre is fine when the weather is awful. Mine hated playgrounds and parks when it was lashing rain and freezing cold.
The problem is that the DH doesn't want to engage with parenting.
Yes, it's often tedious, hard work and frustrating, but that's the deal. He doesn't get to opt out.
So many negative and unpleasant Dads on here, it's depressing and the bar seems so low.

JarvisIsland · 26/01/2025 10:02

My dad really came into his own when it got to ‘doing a million sports clubs’ age. He was actively good at taking us to ungodly cold fields at awful hours on a Saturday morning or whatever, and being supportive. I don’t remember my mum ever enthusiastically coming to football. My limited memories of soft play were that it was always my mum or my nan, and I know though don’t explicitly remember that all of that stuff from age 2-5 would have been mum because she was self employed from home while we were young whereas my dad worked. We did a lot of home stuff at the weekends when young, play in the garden or go to the park across the street.

You will know your DH but if this is likely something he will be better at then maybe send him out to do something active with the older one, and see if he’s the same with that as he is with shopping centre on a weekend. That will tell you if it’s circumstantial or if it’s a full on DH problem. The idea of a birthday party with 20 3 year olds does sound a ball ache to be honest, and almost all my work colleagues (M and F) have expressed this sort of feeling at work about impending weekend stuff, but have probably managed to put a happy face on.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 10:05

It doesn't matter if it's a "ball ache". You do birthday parties for your children because you love them, not because it's your ideal afternoon.

RedLightsStopSigns · 26/01/2025 10:06

Have you asked him what he would rather be doing with the kids?

TheAirfryerQueen · 26/01/2025 10:06

He reminds me of my dad when I was a kid. (I'm middle aged now) Once, he sat with a slapped arse all the way through a pizza party on my 16 birthday because he didn't like pizza. Constant moans. Mum told him to go home then. Him being a martyr, stayed. So when we got home (and we were all as miserable as sin) my mum took my brother & I to my Gran's house for the night.

They are still married, amazingly. 54 years! He's lightened up a bit since my brother & I left home since.

Original poster
sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 10:07

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 10:01

Getting out of the house and into a different environment is far better than watching a film at home. A shopping centre is fine when the weather is awful. Mine hated playgrounds and parks when it was lashing rain and freezing cold.
The problem is that the DH doesn't want to engage with parenting.
Yes, it's often tedious, hard work and frustrating, but that's the deal. He doesn't get to opt out.
So many negative and unpleasant Dads on here, it's depressing and the bar seems so low.

Exactly. When I take the kids, I make it about them entirely. I go to find the little rides/ the balloon shops/ little soft plays or play areas. He can't he bothered with any of that. I just want to see them happy and I feel happy.

OP posts:
katepilar · 26/01/2025 10:07

EdithBond · 26/01/2025 09:52

So, to get this straight. When you take the kids out, he says he wants to come, then (once out) says he want to go home and acts miserable. Then, when asked why he wants to go home or is miserable says: ”What do you want me to do?”

The straight answer would be, to be good company to you and the kids and not nag about going home, if he’s suggested he’ll come. Because it’s disrespectful and to, frustrating for, you. Like dragging a dead weight around.

To get to the bottom of this, you really need to understand why he wants to go home so soon and doesn’t enjoy being out. Could be a myriad of reasons:

  • You’re gone a long time, e.g. more than 2-3 hours and it encroaches too much on the weekend, when he needs to recover from work (and so do you, even if a SAHM). In which case, could you mutually agree on a time limit or you take it in turns to take the kids out?
  • You tend to go to places he doesn’t like? Shopping malls, soft play etc. Young kids indoor play places used to drive me insane: so soulless and noisy. Perhaps an outdoor walk, such as to woods, country park or a river would be more fun, with a stop at a nice pub.
  • Is there a reason he needs to get home and feels uncomfortable while out? Does he feel ill/tired, need the loo or want to get back to watch football matches, play online games etc. What does he do when he ‘withdraws’? He should openly communicate.
  • Does he not know how to play with his kids? Does he ever play with them or take them out on his own? How much interest and/or pleasure does he take in them and what they enjoy? What was his own childhood like? Did his dad play with him? Does he feel silly playing with kids in public?
  • Does he need to find ways to adapt to being a parent? Does he miss spending time in the day with just the two of you? Do you ever do anything without the kids, even if it’s having a special dinner and watching a film together at home? He’s responsible for co-parenting his kids, so must adapt. But some people struggle, as young kids are very demanding.

He needs to openly communicate how he’s feeling and what he needs. Surely, he can see taking his kids out, not interacting with them and looking miserable isn’t nice for them or how a parent should behave.

Show quote history

This is so well written.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 26/01/2025 10:09

He wants you to do it all so he can do his own thing as if he was a single childless man. He’s a wanker.

Sheaintheavyshesmymother · 26/01/2025 10:09

sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 08:04

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

My ex was like this, on holidays especially. I left him and now we can enjoy holidays again!

Borris · 26/01/2025 10:10

He is definitely in the wrong but a day trip to a shopping centre sounds not fun at all to me. Can you do a trip out that would be more fun for you all?

lazyarse123 · 26/01/2025 10:10

Stop taking him. Miserable twat. I know it's hard I had 3 under 3 at one time and their dad used to work away during the week. I'm not trying to make this a race to the bottom but it can be done on your own.
Does he actually bring anything positive to your lives?

ThatsNotMyTeen · 26/01/2025 10:12

lazyarse123 · 26/01/2025 10:10

Stop taking him. Miserable twat. I know it's hard I had 3 under 3 at one time and their dad used to work away during the week. I'm not trying to make this a race to the bottom but it can be done on your own.
Does he actually bring anything positive to your lives?

This is what he wants though, so he doesn’t have to actually parent his own kids and leave it all to OP

StormingNorman · 26/01/2025 10:13

Sadly, not every parent enjoys parenting. If he wants to come out out with you all next weekend, I’d tell him no unless he he agrees to at least fake a smile as he’s a boring fuck who’s sucking the joy out of life.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 10:14

ThatsNotMyTeen · 26/01/2025 10:12

This is what he wants though, so he doesn’t have to actually parent his own kids and leave it all to OP

Show quote history

This ⬆️. Like other examples on this site.
He wants to leave it all to her.

LEWWW · 26/01/2025 10:14

Ugh. My husband can be a bit like this, I just read him the riot act. At the end of the day you do things for the fun of the kids, imagine you never going anywhere fun with them because you couldn’t be bothered? Everyone would be calling you a shit mum. What if you are unwell? Does he take them to do fun things on his own?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/01/2025 10:15

When I take the kids, I make it about them entirely.

That's too much. You need to teach them a bit of give and take and about taking turns. They're still very young but you can start small.

CatrionaBalfour · 26/01/2025 10:15

StormingNorman · 26/01/2025 10:13

Sadly, not every parent enjoys parenting. If he wants to come out out with you all next weekend, I’d tell him no unless he he agrees to at least fake a smile as he’s a boring fuck who’s sucking the joy out of life.

He wants her to say "don't come" , then he can relax at home with no responsibility.

MumWifeOther · 26/01/2025 10:15

sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 10:00

We got there at 12 and left at 2 max. It's not a whole day thing anyway. It wasn't even that busy.

Show quote history
Dogs Driving GIF

As I said, he sounds like a dick and any reasonable person would grin and bear it. However I still think its a bad idea to go to a shopping mall with small kids and dress it up as a “family day out” and if you do have to go, go on your own and leave the kids with your OH at home so you can nip in and out. At the very least, feed everyone lunch before you get there?

Also I don’t how the the gif appeared and I don’t know how to remove it 🤣

Original poster
sofingmisreable · 26/01/2025 10:16

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/01/2025 10:15

When I take the kids, I make it about them entirely.

That's too much. You need to teach them a bit of give and take and about taking turns. They're still very young but you can start small.

It's fine thank you. I want to do it like that. It doesn't mean everything we do is entirely about them, at all.

OP posts:
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