My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Hi,
Posting for support. My partner is very similar, whenever we try to talk about it he just says it's a phase and he will be better when the kids are older. I find it so draining.

Was there any sign of this type of behaviour before you had children? Or before you had the second child?

I mean he could possibly be a bit on a ND spectrum and find things overwhelming but I would be inclined to think that he is just a manchild making your life difficult. In either way he needs to address this issue and see what can be improved for your family. Ie. you each take one child out at a time if needs be. Denying he has a problem is issue in itself. He either works on this himself together with you or he speaks to a therapist.

Going to a shopping centre when not needing to shop sounds a weird day out. Did you decide it?

We used to go out with our kids to places like the big park, rugby matches, cricket, train trips and occasionally the beach.

Next time let him decide where to go.

I don't miss any of this. XH used to be like this. His idea of having fun with the kids was to stay indoors all weekend while they played elsewhere in the house.

All about him.

I listen to my still married friends, and so many of them have similar husbands. I couldn't see how annoying XH was when I was married. I do now.

Have a really good look at how life is for you and your family and decide if that's how you're happy to proceed.

A lot of parents don't get joy from going to shopping centres with small children, standing there while children do activities fun for them, tedious in the extreme as a spectator activity. Same with most child friendly activities. However, that's part and parcel of what you sign up for when you have them, so a mature and decent parent does them anyway, making the best of it and keeping as cheerful as possible.

A lot of men are too selfish to bother, like yours. I would suggest you tell him that you know he dislikes it but it's part of his job as a father to tolerate it with good grace and not make it worse for everyone. I'd caution against going without him. Once you start that he'll opt out of everything.

Taking kids plus a man to a shopping center right over lunchtime? Was that ever going to go well? Boring activity plus hunger?

He needs to sort his attitude but you both need to plan something that everyone will enjoy and that the kids will behave themselves at.

DH was variable on the fun stuff but only had his own stiff and miserable father as an example.

He would do parties, especially sporty ones, with good grace, theme parks and museums sometimes and was brilliant on bucket and spade holidays. He still needs his space and the dc are 26 and 30!

I don't think we have ever had a family outing to a shopping centre. DH would get more joy from sticking pins in his eyes - the same for children centred restaurants like Ben and Jerry's - it isn't that but I can't remember the name of it.

We compromised. He came for the some stuff. He was happy to pay for us to go so he didn't have to.

As the DC got bigger he was excellent about attending matches and I was relieves of that from which Inderived little pleasure. Standing at a muddy freezing field watching my boy in a ruck does nothing for me.

Controversial… perhaps

My mum was exactly like your DH OP - didn’t enjoy family life.

She was born in the early 1930s where perhaps, childless women of this specific demographic were viewed more negatively than women born later

I agree with him when he says a child’s birthday party is a ball ache but this is why I chose not to have children.

I suspect there are a lot of parents out there who think they want kids but who actually can't stand the reality of being a parent - and it sounds like he's one of them.

But his kids are here now, so he needs to pull his finger out and buck his ideas up sharpish.

Totally insane to take kids to a shopping centre for you, for them for him. Who has ever in the history of day trips had going to a shopping centre as a fun thing to do? That aside he sounds such a misery. You need to find things to do that you all enjoy I doubt he will have any suggestions but hopefully it will get the conversation moving.

He sounds like a complete misery who resents his children. Obviously when you have dc you have to do things that suit them. The alternative is you never go out. How does he not realise this?

Personally I would leave the miserable bastard at home every time rather than have to put up with the childish sulking. Enjoy your time with your dc and let him do whatever it is that he finds so much more worthwhile.

Sometimes it's essential. And many big shopping centres have soft plays, rides, food outlets. Really quite normal and certainly not 'insane' 😂

Hey OP, just came on to give you some solidarity, and maybe some hope. My kids are the same age.

My DH can be exactly the same, one example we went to a Christmas market with the kids and he wouldn't let them touch anything or buy anything and kept telling them off and then got pissed off when they whined... until I finally told him to fuck off and I bought them both pick a £1 jewellery ring each and they were happy as Larry.

I noticed a pattern of days out and holidays being ruined when he was just miserable as fuck.
Sitting him down and speaking to him about it doesn't really help.

HOWEVER. Noticing what triggers it has helped. Crowded or noisy places.
Shops or anywhere the kids can grab or break things they aren't meant to.
Anything out of normal routine.
Anywhere that the kids have to sit still for any length of time.
Fairgrounds and the likes

The places we do have a good time tend to be:
Outdoor walks
National trust days out
Kid friendly places with outdoor bits like farms, play barns etc
The beach
In the garden with the paddling pool
Places that have cafes where we can get a nice coffee and treat

We try to plan things we all enjoy and where it is easier to parent, no temptation for the kids to take or break things or whine to be bought stuff.
I've had to sit my husband down and talk to him about ensuring they always have snacks to hand, or that we set aside money for little treats or allow them to buy one item each, for example if we're going shopping - because it generally does make it less miserable!

After our last ruined holiday I sat DH down and told him how his moods affect me and the kids, my concerns for the future, and spelt out that if he didn't change then I'd be gone with the kids.
But I approached it in a curious way - such as "I've noticed that you're struggling to enjoy xyz, I've noticed you're struggling to tolerate the children being noisy.... And I'm concerned this is causing the children to not enjoy their time with you... I'm concerned xyz. What is going on"

He's now booked to see the GP about depression and I've said I'll support him with whatever he needs, but he also fully understands if things don't change I'll be divorcing him and going for full custody for the reasons I outlined.

Yes you are so right. They have children because that'd what you do in society. They hate bringing up children.

Not insane. I hate going but when I have to, I promise the kids they can go to the playground, I plan this in, we stop early for lunch, and then I promise a small something on the way out so I can get them back to the car. A balloon or something usually does the trick. It takes longer but is completely doable in a bearable way (I say bearable, not enjoyable).

@Pumpkincozynights yep - I've said this so many times on here - a great many men, possibly the majority like the idea of a family but don't actually want to be a family man in terms of parenting/ spending time - they would rather be watching football on TV /at various sports meeting mates/ riding their bike/at pub /t gym- none of it involves their kids - if you have kids you have to be prepared that your 'desparate to have a family bloke' may not be so keen on the reality and be prepared that it might come down to you or you may end up on your own with them

So he begged for a second child? Is he like this with the kids at home? If he is, this will be really damaging for your children as they will soon pick up on the fact that their dad doesn't actually like them.

Do you ever speak to him about his behaviour?

I think the comment about the birthday party was awful and completely unacceptable and I would have called him out on it. I think you need to sit him down and have a chat. Parenting small children can be hard work and thankless, but also can be fun and rewarding. You have to focus on the positives. What else did he expect life was going to be like? Outings with DCs aren’t all about him!

Also, your DCs are likely picking up on his negativity, which will be making their behaviour worse.

The DCs will get older and outings will get easier, but if he’s so detached from them now he will find he hasn’t developed a relationship and they won’t want to spend time with him when they are older.

Does he know how to connect with young children? Would he consider reading some parenting books or going on a parenting course?

If he wanted children and if he wanted that number of children, remind him daily, hourly about it and tell him to snap the f out of it!

I would have to call this out - and it would be a quite blunt ‘you have a face like a slapped arse - grow up!’ Every time he does it!

Is he doing this so you don’t ask him to help out again and he gets more me time?? And to retreat when you got home - I would be furious- who does he think he is!!

This selfish, manchild is ruining days out and birthdays- the ‘DD’s birthday is another ball ache’ is a real turn off, especially from a man who begged to have a 2nd child.

If he is depressed or you/ the kids are at risk in anyway you need a different approach - but if not he needs to be told to stop being a twat and parent like an adult!

Same here, especially that age. Run around and fresh air is probably what they need. But then again, OP said he is like this no matter what they do so he does sound miserable.

Start making plans without him but then tell him he needs to take them out on his own so you get a break too. He doesn't get it both ways, youre either 2 on 2 OR divide and conquor.

How much parenting does he do either at home or when you are out? How often has he had them on his own @sofingmisreable

Your eldest DC is getting to the age to clock that dad is a grumpy miserable dad

My ex was like this, a miserable bastard let's be real. It tainted everything- Christmas, birthdays, days out (even if I took the children by myself he made bad feeling about it). Can't even describe how much better life is for my and the children now.