My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

Unlikely to change. If you really love taking your DC out, cut him loose. Don't go 'as a family' just for the sake of it; there's no point. From now on, you organise nice things for the three of you to do, and enjoy having the kind of fun you can only be relaxed enough to have when your grump-lump of a husband isn't sucking the joy out of things. It will be wonderful. My DC have the same age gap as yours and I took them out alone all the time: a good buggy, or better still now yours are older, a sling for your toddler to ride on your back, nice snacks and drinks, and you can go anywhere.

Doing things 'as a family' is massively overrated, and is only ever as fun or successful as the moodiest person will allow it to be. Claim outings as your refuge from this man and revel in how brilliant a time you will have, just the 3 of you. Don't let him wheedle his way along on future days out with promising he will behave and really lean into the experience. Nothing less than enthusiastic engagement will do. Only let him come places where you can easily pack him off home on public transport if he tries his mood-hoovery ways.

The worst part of your post OP is that it's your DD's birthday party today and he's described it as "another ballache". This is his child's party!! I bet you've put a load of work and expense in, your DD is likely excited for today, WTAF is wrong with him? He should be really looking forward to seeing her enjoying herself. I think I'd absolutely lose my shit at this comment and tell him to fuck off right now before the guests arrive if he can't at least put on a smile, and tonight you'll be having a serious conversation about the future and how much he AND you want him to remain living with the family, as he seems to find it all so intolerable and is taking it out on your children.

I hope your DD enjoys her day OP 💜

So he doesn't like going out, but insists on coming along and then tries to ruin it for you all? Seems like he is trying to prevent you all from going out in the first place. Does he have an good qualities anymore?

Either way, it must be a pretty miserable experience for the kids and for you.

Sorry, but he sounds really obnoxious. He obviously doesn't want children but it's too late. Tell him to get over himself.

What a grumpy pain in the arse! What did you end up doing?

I see where he's coming from. You are always on high alert when out and about with little kids. He feels more relaxed at home.

He's an utter cunt.

I don't buy him being depressed or anxious, I think he's just another bloke who likes the idea of having offspring (it's a sign of his manly virility, after all) but is too selfish to actually live up to being a dad.

It's one thing to not be particularly enjoying an activity with your kids, another to try and ruin it for the whole family. He sounds completely selfish and joyless unless he's doing something he wants to do. Parties can be stressful, but we do them because we love our children and want them to give the best time.

I agree with the poster who called him a Victorian dad.

At that age we did the 'divide and conquer' technique! Often separating to do different activities, usually i would be with our daughter (younger one, more reliant on mummy) and husband would be with our son. We would pick activities according to age/stage/interests. Yes it means you see less of each other as a couple but if you are miserable as a group I think it's a better option. It might also encourage him to bond more with the kids too.

Fwiw I used to get very anxious taking two young kids out when they were this age and became stressed. I also get overwhelmed by shopping centres with all the noise and bustle so if you throw in whingey, hungry kids I probably would have reacted the same as your husband. I had therapy to help me with some of the ingrained hang ups I had about parenting from my own childhood.

Finally just to say it does get easier, mine are 6 and 8 now and family days out are much more fun (though harder to arrange as the kids now have 3million scheduled activities 🫠).

My dh can be like this , it's crap because it drags the mood down. Part of being a parent is doing stuff the kids want. I find it immature to not be able to enjoy something for some one else.

I remember taking ds and dd on a day out and having a great day we were all talking about it and dh was all "I wish I could have gone " (he was at work) next year we went on his day off, weather wasn't as great amd ds a bit more whiny. Dh had a face like a slapped arse the whole day. I told him i wouldn't bother inviting him again.

No real advice except pulling him up on it or not including him.

My best friends husband was like this for years, always used to be her in the end taking them away on day trips and weekends away. Then he said he lost his freedom and wanted to separate as wanted to be alone and travel. Yet he really wanted a child, not so much two. Fast forward he was cheating on her with someone he worked with for many years and who went to their wedding. During covid they would play online games in his man cave and after covid she would join his social group while my friend was left with the kids. Well they're going through the divorce now and he loves taking the kids 50% time and dumping them on his parents while he sees the other woman!!

People are being very harsh. It would just be that he's an introvert and can't cope with too much noise and hubbub.

I genuinely think some men only have children because they think it’s what you have to do or they don’t have the balls to leave someone who wants them, and then they sulk and make life miserable for everyone else with wilful incompetence because it’s too late.

I’m sorry. I hope you can leave.

This!

My husband is amazing at outdoor activities with the kids. And home projects. He doesn't enjoy shopping or crowds for the most part so would never ever come with us (and I would also avoid a shopping centre on a weekend with a toddler!) but he has lots of joyful times with them otherwise.

Maybe you just need a reset to find some things he would enjoy and then split up sometimes? Each take one kid? One day each weekend? It's a shame if he's just wishing his children's' childhood away like this :(

I’ve had the same on occasions. The kid’s age is hard but of course that is no excuse. Keep telling him he can’t behave like a sulking teenager. Let him suggest a child friendly day out he will like or at least hate less. Make it clear he is responsible, not just you.

But then why would he offer to come along to the shops yesterday when op had planned to go on her own?!

He isn't behaving well at all but that outing to the shopping centre would break me too I think. Maybe he could suggest outings for a change. Visit a big park with a picnic and the kids bikes? Take them swimming? It's not easy in the winter though so I can see wholly a warm dry shopping centre appeals to some people. His behaviour is horrible though.

Maybe that's her expectation and he feels pressured into joining in. I dunno.

That's exactly what I thought. If he wants to go home, next time you stay out and he brings them back home. His response to this will let you know if it's the being out that he doesn't like, or just raising the children

Poor lamb.

Fine if he doesn't enjoy it, NOT fine to ruin everyone else's day.

Also if I take ds out to say a soft play and dh is have a break we might do soft play, lunch, drop in on dgp or nip to park. Be out 4/5 hours.
Dh rarely takes ds out alone but when he does it's literally the activity for the bare minimum time. He once (when I was ill) took ds to play mini golf a 20 min drive from our house they were back in a hour and 15.
It's annoying because in the house kids tend to default to me, I can be in the bath and they will ask me for assistance over dh day on the living room!

It does get easier as they get older but this is entirely the reason I chose not to have a second child with dh. (Dd not his)

Yea but sometimes the shopping centre is necessary. He needs to suck it up. It can't be fun fun fun all the time.

I see someone upthread has suggested “divide and conquer” and that’s what I was going to suggest too.

Either planning separate days out (maybe switching who gets the trickier younger child each weekend) and it’s each person’s choice what they do, or if you are going to the same place then separating to do separate activities (eg in the shopping centre, one of you takes one to the toy car things and one takes the other to a shop you need to get something from, then switch).

If you’re out all together, and he’s being a miserable arse and saying he wants to go home, say, “No worries, you can take DS1 with you, I’ll keep DS2 as he needs more wearing out.”

I guess you have to decide whether he adds more or less value to your family life, and whether he’s worth trying to make it work for.

My husband is like this. My children are now straddling teens/adulthood. I always hoped that it would improve. It never did. He ruined just about every birthday/christmas/holiday/day out in memory. He could never seee the point in doing any child related activities (big or small) because they held no interest to him. It never occurred to him to do anything for their sake. I will never get over it. You have my deepest sympathy.

I had to have this exact conversation with mine yesterday. I’d posted a similar thread to the OP about how my DH doesn’t enjoy weekends with the kids.