My H is just so fucking miserable when we take our kids out

[sofingmisreable]

He always wants to come back home ' right away '.

He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of seeing them having fun.

Example yesterday we went to a shopping centre. The kids were hungry as soon as we got there so we went for lunch and then he wanted to come home straight after and had a face like a smacked arse on, the whole time we were there.

Kids are nearly 3 and 5. Yes the little one was a whingeing a bit but he actually sat through the meal really nicely and they both ate loads.

Then after, I wanted to pick up a couple of kids for the kids, get them some balloons, let them play on the little cars in the shopping centre, so they'd have a bit of fun and he was just so miserable and wanted to go home at every turn.

It's pretty much always like that. It doesn't matter what we do, he just wants to come home straight away.

Today is my DD Bday party and he was like ' great, another ball ache '.

I get we all have bad weeks but this is very persistent. I try and give him space at the weekend for his hobbies, in the hopes he'll be a bit more jolly when he's with us, but it doesn't work.

I know the kids are stressful and especially our little one, has tantrums etc but they're our kids and I love nothing more than to see them having a good time.

Does anyone else have a Husband like this ?

He said another ball ache about his daughter's birthday party?

Given what I've discovered now I've divorced my husband my advice is have a serious conversation with him, be calm and make sure the kids are asleep. Ask him what is going on for him, listen and really let him speak, give him options then act in what he says.

They were there 2 hours. Read the OP.
Sometimes you have to go to a shopping centre. Why not make it fun for the kids?

Oh wait no more important for the dad to decide he wants to go when he wasnt going to go in the first place and then sulk.
And then sulk no matter what they do. cause he sulks on ANY trip they do. Its not all shopping centres

Maybe you should read the OP. Much more important to stick it to the OP though isnt it?

I'd stick to taking them on your own OP. I've never had a husband and single parented but I have friends who have had similar experiences to yours

Firstly hotdogs aren’t his thing…….especially from ikea…….secondly I am not his mother……..thirdly we are not interested in shopping, niether me nor him…………taming a hawk maybe…….riding a horse………walking up a mountain……….shopping and hotdogs nope……..

Also if every man is not the same who is stereotyping exactly? Because you’re expecting this one to like doing something he clearly does not……..because maybe two peoples husbands on the thread don’t mind shopping…….clearly he is not the same as the perfect representation you have in your mind of a man……..

Tbh the shopping centre at the weekend sounds horrific and I would be pissed off too. How about swimming, safari park, zoo, park, walk in the woods or beach. Maybe you’re just not on the same page about how to raise your kids. However to call your child’s birthday party a ball ache is just sad….he is either depressed or needs a good talking too before they get old enough to pick up on his behaviour

I've balked at a lot of things I had to do with dc, but me and dh got on with it without being twats about it.

Why are you fixating on the shopping centre?
Have you read the entirety first post?
The husband acts like this on any day out with the kids. The shopping centre was an EXAMPLE from yesterday.

Why doesnt the husband suggest something he likes to do instead? Instead of bringing everyone down with sulking?

Depressing, isnt it?

The OP also wrote this

,We also go on walks etc with our kids. We have a massive garden too and take them to the playground and we also have all playground stuff in our garden and country walks on our doorstep !
He's still miserable then and wants to get home quickly'

Why should the OP do it all? The husband is a grown man presumably. Can he not make suggestions? Can he not slap a happy face on for a couple of hours? Instead of sulking at everything?

Point being,it doesn't matter whether you're male or female (and sterotypes) we all have do things we don't necessarily love doing, it's how he's going about it that's the issue.

Yes I’ve read the post but this is one side of the story, the fact a shopping centre has been used as the example straight away screams bored to tears to me………maybe he doesn’t get chance to take them before a shopping centre or similar has been planned, maybe it stresses him out with them being so young at places like this……could be any number of reasons but the fact the example from yesterday was a shopping centre with two very young children already states to me their ideas of a day out are very different………and all that really needs stating to him is can he arrange a day out for them all next weekend because everyone is clearly sick of shopping centres, then see what he comes up with instead of berating him for a mundane task a lot of people find tedious……..

You see the poor husband has possible asd. Men hate shopping centres too so they dont have to go

His wife should really ask what he wants to do. Then he wont do it anyway cause you no reasons.

if he wants come

then have the conversation with him now, say hay yesterday wasn't fun for you as you wanted to go home at each turn. Next time I go to the shopping center it would be better if you stayed home, perhaps have one of the dc and do something with them.But I could see you clearly didn't enjoy yourself

then if he asks to come next time - remind him how miserable it made him and suggest you do something else as a family when you get home that he will enjoy

The OP also wrote this
'We also go on walks etc with our kids. We have a massive garden too and take them to the playground and we also have all playground stuff in our garden and country walks on our doorstep !
He's still miserable then and wants to get home quickly'

Also said he would like to take them places then never does.
So what is the OP to do? Not take them anywhere? Take them places with a sulking grown man?

Maybe it’s also the choice of activity. Shopping mall with two young kids isn’t fun to me either. Maybe he can pick the activity next time?

my exh was like this. i did everything with the kids, the blessing was that once we separated, it made no difference to the kids as he wasnt involved with them anyway and they very soon stopped seeing him and replying to his texts. but, apparently, its all my fault.

Mine was like this. I ended up going on holiday with them on my own because it was easier and more relaxed than having him trail round after us with a face like a slapped arse. It came to a head when he decided to go home after a day at Disneyland Paris because he didn’t like Disney or the hotel. The following years the DDs and I had lovely holidays in France, Belgium, Spain, Greece and Cornwall… After a couple of years, he was angling to come with us.

Take them places with a sulking grown man?

leave him at home, and if they do insist on coming tell them we are going to be at least 3 hours we will not be coming home and don't be miserable

go to the park on your own with the dc or go out for the day

but sow the seed now that the behaviour yesterday isn't going to keep happening - don't leave it until the next time your walking out the door

Leaving this here for you OP. This isn’t about the shopping. https://zawn.substack.com/p/ruining-every-vacation-with-a-bad-9ed

Like I already said ask him to arrange a day out next weekend for them all as shopping centres bore everyone to tears and see what he comes up with, stating he would like to go to different places is not the same as outright asking him to arrange a day out……..maybe this lady takes control over all the situations and outings and that is his frustration, maybe he states that and then she plans something anyway, we do not know his point of view but outright asking him to plan and sitting back gives him the opportunity to take control of the situation and like others have said this may even be an ASD or ADHD issue that has never been addressed………

Some women just love to set a really really low bar for men and put all the blame on women. It’s pretty much internalised misogyny and a low self worth.

I wouldn’t even engage in discussing this absurd view point.

OPs husband is a grown man. He is not pulling his weight in this relationship. He is letting his kids and wife down. They should go to couples therapy or just be done with it. An absent father in a mutual home is worse than an absent father whom you never see.

My husband was like this. He would walk on ahead not waiting for the toddler if they stopped to play or look at something.
When we got to the swings he wouldn't push them, said he was too cold and would go off home leaving me with ( at the time) 3 under 4 years olds.
He wouldn't push a pram,never changed a nappy ,never read them stories or helped them learn to swim or ride a bike.
Once they got to around 6 or 7 he was good with them and especially now that they're all grown up is okay .
When my kids were young I could never take them to cafes as it was extra work for me.

My STBXH was like this. He simply didn't value time spent as a family because he considered it a distraction from his interests. This extended across everything from outings to the park to family holidays. If he did come out with us he'd disappear into his office to play a video game or watch sport as soon as we got back. It wasn't a mental health condition in his case (although he is very likely undiagnosed ND). He is just a very, very selfish man who values his own interests over literally everything else.

Sorry, OP. I never found a solution because he left me. I can only say that he is a marginally better parent now that he only has to do it in 48-72 hour bursts EOW, and that it is a lot more fun for me to plan activities for the three of us without factoring in a sulking, petulant man child.

Or maybe after a week at work they don't want to be dragged to shopping centres with shrieking, running around, tantruming toddlers.