SIL getting upset over something I said to my DOG

[Poitoi]

I recently spent a day with SIL, brother and their wedding planner. I am best woman and have quite a lot of responsibilities. It was intense but productive - we actually had a laugh.

Anyway, we went to my parents’ house after the day of planning. Here SIL heard me fussing over my dog who I hadn’t seen at all that day. At some point I said something along the lines of “Oh I missed you. A day without you is a day wasted in my book” to my dog. Obviously over the top and non-serious, I was just being silly with my dog.

Brother has since told me that SIL was really offended by this comment and is hurt. I just find that ridiculous. I told SIL on the way to my parents I had had a lovely time. I think dog people will see I was just being ott. My dog was being all snuggly and excited to see me so I just played into it.

AIBU?

It can easily have come across as a passive aggressive sly dig: you wouldn’t say to their face that you think their wedding planning is a waste of time, but you’ll “joke” about it using your dog as a shield, because then you can just excuse it with “oh, I was only being silly with my DOG!” Whether you meant it or not, it’s not that surprising SIL didn’t take it very well.

My sister says all sorts to her daft dog if she hasn't seen him for hours because he gets excited when she comes back and when I look after him she tells him that she hopes I haven't been bullying him or picking on him and have been giving him nice treats lol she isn't saying that because she thinks that is what I'm doing lol she just says things that have no bloody meaning to a dog but the more she is interacting with him the more excited he gets. Jesus some people seriously need to chill the fuck out.

I get the greeting the dog part, we make silly jokes that the dog would have liked to come along or something, but saying the day was wasted is the odd part.

Some people would say things in a passive aggressive way, so that the person they are actually talking about hears them. It might not have been what you were meaning, but it was an odd thing to say and I see why she interpreted it that way.

I say ott things to my dog all the time. Like I will say “I’ll never leave you again” after coming back from a holiday. And then proceed to leave him again. I’m genuinely not being passive aggressive. It’s playful in my eyes and not all grounded in reality.

She's being daft and over sensitive. Things you say to pets aren't meant to be taken literally because they don't understand language! For example, I often tell my cat she's my favourite thing in the world (and isn't as I've loads of family I'd choose over her).

Given your dog doesn't understand what you're saying wholly, you could easily have said something else in the same voice. 'It would have been so much better if you'd been there, Fenton', or 'I'm going to give you a million treats as I've missed you so much'.

You chose to say something with a negative undertone. I suspect that given you're wasting time talking mumsnet about it, that there is a bit more to the story.

I agree with you.

My Dsis is the sort that would hear me tell my dog I missed her, and then complain that I did not say the same to her etc.

OPs SiL overheard her playful (and lovely) chat with her dog. It was not intended for her ears.

It is sad that it seems some folks here are making out that she did it on purpose.

But presumably you can see how it might be taken the wrong way?

You'd have been fine saying "I'll never leave you again, booga booga, wuv you" or whatever but saying "any day without you is wasted" in front of your human companions of that day isn't quite as nice/amusing.

Dog don't give a fuck what you're saying, only how you say it, but humans do.

She is being a bit oversensitive but I can totally see how it comes across as a dig. She may have already been feeling guilty about taking up your free time and this would compound it.
I think you need to tell her what you are telling us and apologise.
How is your relationship generally

Your sister-in-law's feelings were hurt. She's not wrong to feel hurt, you didn't intend to hurt her so you're not wrong either. Other posters have said that what you said sounded passive-aggressive, so just tell your sister-in-law that you didn't mean it that way and that you did enjoy the day.

I’ve called my cat my darlingest only true love in front of DH, he doesn’t turn a hair. I’m guessing your SIL doesn’t have any pets.

To me what I said was clearly a playful, off-the-cuff remark directed at my dog, not a serious statement meant to diminish the importance of the day

I say ott things to my dog as lighthearted expressions of affection, not passive aggressive insults

I say the exact same thing playfully to my dog so I completely understand where you're coming from but it won't hurt to acknowledge that your SIL (and your brother, just so your SIL doesn't feel like you've singled her out) could have been hurt. Apologise and explain you didn't mean it literally.

OP, I mean this kindly, but do you want opinions or do you just want us to reassure you that your SIL is in the wrong?

Clearly you support your brother and SIL, you've had a lovely day and you were just trying to show love to your dog. You meant nothing by it...but you have upset your SIL to be.

For my opinion, it was a bit of a silly thing to say. You could have "met your dog on his level" with any form of wording but saying it was "a wasted day" given the circumstances, certainly not in their earshot as well. You must be able to see that - accepted your heart was in the right place, but your words were clumsy.

I'd think you wee passively aggressively saying you had wasted your day.

Your dog can't speak. Your SIL can. Even if you think it's silly you should apologise

Intent vs impact. It does sound a bit like an odd, passive aggressive thing to say. Why not just apologise and say it was unthoughtful?

As you've said several times...
So I take it you're not going to apologise even though many posters have said it does sound passive aggressive.

Why?
OP was talking to her dog, not SiL. It was not passive aggressive, she was literally talking to her dog.
Her SiL took it the wrong way, and that is not the fault of OP. You can't control how other people react. And some people act entitled and ridiculous, like OPs SiL did.

Something makes me think this is not a one off.

Oh ffs! It was clearly just silliness. I tell my dog that I've never seen anything as cute as she is. I have 4 children. It's clearly not the truth. It's just one of those things you say to them in a daft voice to make them wag their tails.

She's off her nut! The SIL not the dog, although a case could probably be made. 😂

Lots of posters are saying they understand why sil was upset
you just keep dismissively saying that you didn’t mean it. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean it or you were joking, you said something many people would consider to be rude, and it’s hurt her feelings. Just explain and say sorry. Surely your relationship with her is more important than trying to be right.

I don’t know I just feel like if the shoe was on the other foot I would pay more heed to a person getting stuck in, giving up their Saturday, joking around and expressing what a lovely time they’d had over an offf the cuff remark.

It’s just giving main character syndrome.

I was going to ignore what brother had said but I will text SIL saying I didn't mean anything by it

A day without you is a day wasted in my book

Could be taken as a very bitchy thing to say, I’d really question whether that was deliberate

Can you really not see that?
Are you just looking for validation on here

OP doesn't seem to be accepting that she may have upset her SIL, and there's a lot of posters saying that they can see how she felt hurt.

Op, in fairness, if you'd said that once everyone else had gone home, or if in a different scenario where you hadn't spent do much of your time and energy helping your SIL, she may've laughed too, and just thought you were being daft.

However, although you made sure she knew you'd had a good day with her at the time, if she was so thankful to you for all that you'd done, and the hours you devoted, she may have felt a little insecure, and then when you all got to where the dog was waiting to greet you, what you said, and tge enthusiasm with which you said it.
It really sounded natural and spontaneous.

Your earlier politeness to your SIL, could of then seemed like a duty remark and not genuine like your response to the dog.

Just tell her "omg, yes I can now see how crass and thoughtless that sounded. I was just as daft with my equally daft dog.

I would wish to hurt you at all, so please accept my sincere apologies for my unintended eff up".

I've unintentionally upset people in the past, and its horrible, coz I really hadn't engaged my brain enough to see how someone could come across.

If you stick to your guns of, that you didn't mean the way she took it, will that be your consolation wgen next your due to be with her, and you know that's she's sad... doesn't matter if you or other posters thin she's being over sensitive.

Other peoples levels of sensitivity will always likely to differ- who's to say who's right or wrong?