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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL getting upset over something I said to my DOG

398 replies

Poitoi · 25/01/2025 23:13

I recently spent a day with SIL, brother and their wedding planner. I am best woman and have quite a lot of responsibilities. It was intense but productive - we actually had a laugh.

Anyway, we went to my parents’ house after the day of planning. Here SIL heard me fussing over my dog who I hadn’t seen at all that day. At some point I said something along the lines of “Oh I missed you. A day without you is a day wasted in my book” to my dog. Obviously over the top and non-serious, I was just being silly with my dog.

Brother has since told me that SIL was really offended by this comment and is hurt. I just find that ridiculous. I told SIL on the way to my parents I had had a lovely time. I think dog people will see I was just being ott. My dog was being all snuggly and excited to see me so I just played into it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 26/01/2025 09:27

echt · 26/01/2025 08:54

Because when you are talking to your dog you aren't checking its content with your potential audience.

Because it does not, like, apply to them.

HTH

If I want to moan at DH about MIL (say), I wait until she's gone home so she doesn't hear.

Because if I say to it him while she's in the next room, she may well hear and it wouldn't matter that it wasn't said directly to her. She would be justifiably hurt - and I would feel bad about that because I love her very much even if I do occasionally moan about her (as I'm sure she does about me).

It doesn't matter that OP was speaking to the dog, she still said what she said and the SIL still heard it.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/01/2025 09:28

Oh dear! You’ll know to be more careful next time, but be careful not to offend your dog instead. 🙂

SurelySmartie · 26/01/2025 10:14

I was amusing myself by saying something exaggerated to my dog.

Yes but as PPs have pointed out your dog wouldn’t have literally understood the meaning of the words whereas the humans would.

It’s quite telling that your elaboration on what you particularly enjoyed about the day was interiors and wine and finalising things and table linens and crafts. As opposed to spending time with your brother and SIL and supporting them with their wedding.

Also wondering if you would describe someone that you really like as having main character syndrome?

Perhaps your SIL is being a little over sensitive but there is something a bit off. “Wasted” is an odd choice of words. Either it was passive aggressive and you are actually resentful in some way, or you were being a bit show off and deliberately edgy. Or just a bit thoughtless and clumsy. Either way it was a particularly odd thing to say and you’ve caused offence so yes you should apologise - if you mean it.

Cherrysoup · 26/01/2025 10:23

Poitoi · 25/01/2025 23:42

To me what I said was clearly a playful, off-the-cuff remark directed at my dog, not a serious statement meant to diminish the importance of the day

I say ott things to my dog as lighthearted expressions of affection, not passive aggressive insults

But tbh, I’d take it the same way as your sil did and I’m the one who’s sitting with one dog clutched on my knee and eyeing up the other thinking I need to get moving for their first walk of three. You know it was an OTT comment but she’s obviously offended. Just call her and tell her you didn’t mean it.

OneLemonDog · 26/01/2025 10:51

SurelySmartie · 26/01/2025 10:14

I was amusing myself by saying something exaggerated to my dog.

Yes but as PPs have pointed out your dog wouldn’t have literally understood the meaning of the words whereas the humans would.

It’s quite telling that your elaboration on what you particularly enjoyed about the day was interiors and wine and finalising things and table linens and crafts. As opposed to spending time with your brother and SIL and supporting them with their wedding.

Also wondering if you would describe someone that you really like as having main character syndrome?

Perhaps your SIL is being a little over sensitive but there is something a bit off. “Wasted” is an odd choice of words. Either it was passive aggressive and you are actually resentful in some way, or you were being a bit show off and deliberately edgy. Or just a bit thoughtless and clumsy. Either way it was a particularly odd thing to say and you’ve caused offence so yes you should apologise - if you mean it.

you were being a bit show off and deliberately edgy
It really is not "edgy". Per PPs, the original quote was Charlie Chaplin's "a day without laughter is a day wasted" and it's since become a twee turn of phrase.

Eyewhisker · 26/01/2025 11:10

So if I spent the day with someone, and they walked through the front door and said ‘what a waste of a day’, I would be so offended.

Clearly the OP does not seem to like her SIL very much. She ‘actually’ had a nice time, which sounds like she didn’t expect to and considers her SIL to have ‘main character syndrome.’ These are not remarks you say about someone you like.

SurelySmartie · 26/01/2025 11:19

It really is not "edgy". Per PPs, the original quote was Charlie Chaplin's "a day without laughter is a day wasted" and it's since become a twee turn of phrase.

Yes I get that, I meant using the term wasted in connection with someone’s wedding which is meant to be a particularly special day could be seen as being deliberately controversial. Some people like to provoke.

honeylulu · 26/01/2025 11:33

I think it came across as quite rude of you, even if you didn't mean it like that. Your dog doesn't understand the words but your SIL does and you said it knowing she could hear it. My mother makes passive aggressive "jokey" aside comments to have a dig about something she doesn't like or disapproves of. That's probably how your SIL took it.

I understand how you DID mean it. Many people have some stock phrases/quotes they say within a family unit (including pets) which can sound rude or inappropriate when overheard by others. For example if our kids are being a bit challenging one of us will say "why do we have to have all these kids?" (quote from It's A Wonderful Life) and we've had some really appalled looks from people who've overheard, not realising it's an in joke that our kids also find funny.

Explain context, apologise, job done. If she still has the hump after that then she's the problem.

GoodYawning · 26/01/2025 11:36

You say you “said something along the lines of… “

I was going to say that your SIL needs to get a grip but it depends on what you actually said and what your SIL really heard you say.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/01/2025 11:54

Eyewhisker · 26/01/2025 11:10

So if I spent the day with someone, and they walked through the front door and said ‘what a waste of a day’, I would be so offended.

Clearly the OP does not seem to like her SIL very much. She ‘actually’ had a nice time, which sounds like she didn’t expect to and considers her SIL to have ‘main character syndrome.’ These are not remarks you say about someone you like.

But OP didn't do that. The 'waste of a day' was a day without her dog and said to her dog, not her SIL. If she had done what you said, i.e. just turned to her SIL and said 'that was a waste of a day', everyone would say that she was being very unreasonable.

BluePapillon · 26/01/2025 12:17

Why does it have to be an either or thing? It can be perfectly true that SIL was being pretty sensitive and got worked up about a comment AND what popped out of you and the way it landed was insensitive as are your ‘ridiculous reaction’ and ‘main character’ reactions to her. You can both have a point.

What would you want to do about it? Can you find it in you to acknowledge she was indeed hurt even if that was not your intention and to acknowledge that? Not saying to pander to her but if she’s otherwise a lovely person and you get along and she is not prone to overreacting out of some sort of ‘main character’ energy isn’t it a good idea to think the best of her - that she was genuinely hurt, just like you want her to think the best of you and how you see it from your eyes - that you did not intend that at all?

Iloveyoubut · 26/01/2025 13:04

UnicornWorld · 26/01/2025 00:46

But back to you OP after your deflection, with someone neurodiverse as collateral.

You made a comment which hurt her. You have made a thread, engaged with the very few people who agree with you but ignored the vast majority who didn't

I think your SILs feelings about you go deeper than this one comment. Even your recollection of her day was only that you enjoyed it because it suited you. Don't be surprised if she's had enough of you ...but there's always the dog to blame or vulnerable posters to manipulate rather than accept you're the problem and that the person with main character energy isn't her.

Show quote history

I totally agree with you here. Well said.

Iloveyoubut · 26/01/2025 13:10

Poitoi · 26/01/2025 02:25

It’s ridiculous that people are being so literal. I was amusing myself by saying something exaggerated to my dog. No more, no less.

Listen … I don’t care what anyone on this thread says… you’re being an arse. A billion people have said that what you said was arsey and you’re not having it. Your another comments are arsey, you’ve deflected, blame shifted and done all sorts throughout this and to be honest you come across like an absolute nightmare. Don’t ask what people think if you only want people to tell you you’re right. Just sit there and think ‘I’m right’ to yourself! Honest to god almighty…. You are drama in a box, you’ll need to name change to post for the crap you’re ‘not’ going to cause at the wedding!

thepariscrimefiles · 26/01/2025 15:24

Iloveyoubut · 26/01/2025 13:10

Listen … I don’t care what anyone on this thread says… you’re being an arse. A billion people have said that what you said was arsey and you’re not having it. Your another comments are arsey, you’ve deflected, blame shifted and done all sorts throughout this and to be honest you come across like an absolute nightmare. Don’t ask what people think if you only want people to tell you you’re right. Just sit there and think ‘I’m right’ to yourself! Honest to god almighty…. You are drama in a box, you’ll need to name change to post for the crap you’re ‘not’ going to cause at the wedding!

Edited
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61% of the people who voted have said OP is not being unreasonable. Your post is more dramatic than any of OP's posts.

heyhopotato · 26/01/2025 16:31

YeOldeGreyhound · 26/01/2025 00:20

Thanks. I am ND and do struggle with people at times. My dog is my life line.
Thanks for making me feel inferior for finding comfort in my dog.

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Dogs are way better than people, if they could speak there's no way they'd speak to you like this poster for example.

AngeloMysterioso · 26/01/2025 17:13

"A day without you is a day wasted"

translation

"I've just wasted my day"

said within earshot of the person you've just spent the day with, helping to plan one of the most important events of her life.

And you can't understand why she would be upset by that? Truly??

latetothefisting · 26/01/2025 17:15

Iloveyoubut · 26/01/2025 13:10

Listen … I don’t care what anyone on this thread says… you’re being an arse. A billion people have said that what you said was arsey and you’re not having it. Your another comments are arsey, you’ve deflected, blame shifted and done all sorts throughout this and to be honest you come across like an absolute nightmare. Don’t ask what people think if you only want people to tell you you’re right. Just sit there and think ‘I’m right’ to yourself! Honest to god almighty…. You are drama in a box, you’ll need to name change to post for the crap you’re ‘not’ going to cause at the wedding!

Edited
Show quote history

a billion people
really?
really?
You don't think that's a slight exaggeration? But OP is "drama in a box?" Okay...

Franjipanl8r · 26/01/2025 23:23

The next time I spend quality time with DH I’ll be sure to immediately pick up our pet hamster and say “I’ve just been wasting my time”.

Fairandsquare100 · 27/01/2025 12:44

AngeloMysterioso · 26/01/2025 17:13

"A day without you is a day wasted"

translation

"I've just wasted my day"

said within earshot of the person you've just spent the day with, helping to plan one of the most important events of her life.

And you can't understand why she would be upset by that? Truly??

What she said was in plain English. You don’t need to translate it and by doing so you’ve turned it into something more offensive than what she actually said.

I can understand why she would be upset by what you said, but not by what OP said.

BuildbyNumbere · 29/01/2025 07:33

Yeah but insensitive tbh .., basically it was a wasted day as you’d rather have r been with your dog. I’d have stopped at I missed you!
Never said the wasted part to my dog before and poor manner to do it in front of someone you just spent the day with … can see why she’d be annoyed. Bit odd.

Swiftie1878 · 29/01/2025 07:42

The fact that you find it ridiculous is really neither here nor there.
She is your SiL, who I assume you care about, and you hurt her feelings on what should have been a joyous and important day for her and your brother.
Say you are sorry, and be more sensitive with your words in future.

Botanybaby · 29/01/2025 07:54

Weird thing to say to a mut especially when it doesn't understand and the people you spent all day with are in ear shit

I think you knew exactly what you were doing and we're just trying to be snide to be honest

BunnyLake · 29/01/2025 08:06

It was rude. I have a dog but if I said to her it was a waste of a day because I’d not seen her, and the person I’d spent the day with was present, well that's pretty rude isn’t it!

As I assume your dog doesn't speak fluent English (other than sit, etc) it sounded like a (possibly subconscious) jibe.

BunnyLake · 29/01/2025 08:14

Poitoi · 26/01/2025 00:12

I could have the best day of my life and I would still come home and say to my dog that a day without him is a day wasted. It‘s really not that deep

Fine if you're not saying it in front of the person you just spent the day with. Not fine if you say that in front of the person you just spent the day with.

If you can’t understand that then you don’t understand good manners.

Choccyscofffy · 29/01/2025 08:17

It’s not the end of the world and I wouldn’t have been offended, but why on earth would you say that in front of her? Do you always have foot in mouth syndrome?

Way to fuck up a relationship with a new SIL 😂