To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

I can’t believe anyone wouldn't be going to pick their child up! Your child has said she isn’t comfortable and wants to come home, it’s your responsibility to be that safe space for her and bring her home. If you get there and she’s changed her mind that’s fair enough but at that age she should be comfortable in the knowledge that mum or dad come whenever she needs you.

Tbh I would ask the mum. She is there. If her advice was pick daughter up we would do it right away.
Often it's just a minor thing and no need. Child essily settled.
Tbh I think a lot of children play it a bit too far these day with parents ferry them around.
Yes. Just shoot me.

Are you in a different time zone to the uk?

I take your point about what I said to her beforehand. Maybe I shouldn’t have promised I’d pick her up, but I genuinely didn’t think she’d call it quits so quickly.

This is what you have taken from this thread so far?! That you shouldn’t have promised to pick her up?
Geez, I have no words.

Surely if that was the case other mum , wouldn’t have messaged and would be waiting to see if everything settled down

The mum has messaged for a reason

Please go & get her. I was that child at sleepovers. I loved the idea of them. Loved dinner, watching movies in the evening etc but as soon as it got to bedtime. That was it. I wanted to go home

My Dad never had a drink if I was having a sleepover somewhere and never got ready for bed because he knew the phone call would come

Everytime I went somewhere I was adamant this time would be different and I was always told they hoped it would be but to phone if it wasn't. Everytime my lovely Dad came & took me home.

Please go & get her if she wants to come home

Imagine making this whole thread, and taking up everyone time just bc she can't take a minute to throw on a coat.

Exactly this. This thread is actually a little upsetting to read.

I've had to do similar, but it was about 1am! The next sleepover went without a hitch.

I really hope you're on your way to get her. Breaking a promise like this is not good parenting. She needs to know you keep your promises.

This is why I would never let my children go for a sleep over anywhere. Ever

How sad... go and get her!! Can't believe you're even questioning whether you should pick up your DD.

If I was the mum who phoned you I'd be pissed off that you wanted to see if your DD could 'push through'. Do you really think the mum hasn't tried to settle her already?

🙄

I don’t think this is the type of situation any of this PP (or any other) was suggesting 🙄.

No, that’s the exact point. I did message the other mum, she and I conferred, we decided she would speak to the daughter, the daughter said she’d like to try and stay after she’d talked to her mum and we sorted it out! Obviously if she hadn’t settled after taking to her mum and trying the settling activities it would have been different, but people are advocating to not even try.

The people I’m not understanding in this thread are the ones saying the other mum will just want rid of her - would you not want to try and comfort your child’s friend?’

Great parenting @TheTempest and great your daughter knew you would be there no matter what 👏

If I was the other parent I’d be wanting you to come and collect your child sooner rather than later, they will want to get settled for the night too

If your DH thinks she should be brought home, why doesn't he go?

I would collect her BUT ONLY ONCE. Wouldn't be allowing any more sleepovers after that.

I was in the situation that if this had happened I would've had to take 2 other kids out of their beds ( one a baby) to go and collect the sleepiover child. Not something id be prepared to do regularly

So quickly? Its 11pm, way past her normal bedtime.

Kinder to who? You or your husband? Certainly not your daughter. The pair of you need to pick up your daughter and stop being idle

Promising to get her if she needs you and then not doing so is awful. Actually it’s awful not to get her even if you hadn’t promised.

The bit that stands out to me is where you say “I don’t want her to think I’ll come running the minute things get tough”. Surely at 9 that’s exactly what you would want your child to think. She needs to know she can rely on you.

I'm actually wondering if this is a wind up.
If not it's rather disturbing.
Hope the child is OK.
And not just concerning tonight.

How do these kids cope on Brownie camps? You can't just go home then what awful things do these kids think will happen to them in a different bed? I'd collect her but I wouldn't be letting her repeat this for a few years and at the next sleepover I'd be making it clear the sleepover involves sleeping

David Coleman is a leading child psychologist here in Ireland and he says that during separation anxiety you should lean in more, not try to chivvy the child along without you or make them push through it, as it only makes it last longer.

I have used his method before (with a much younger child) and it worked very well. He said when you go into a strange environment and the child is a bit edgy, hold on tightly to them, hold them in your arms if they are young enough, and wait until they are ready or getting to the stage of nearly pushing you away and then let them off.

Don’t be coaxing them along trying to force them to go where they are not sure about yet.

In a situation like this I would immediately go and get the child and next time have a ‘sleep under’ where they get into their pyjamas and stay up late but go home at 11 to their own bed.

Yeah that's a good idea. Tell her you'll pick her up if she's uncomfortable, but then be really difficult about it, and make sure she knows in future if she's uncomfortable not to tell you. Great parenting.