Page 21 | To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

eskopt2 · 2025-01-25T22:50:09+00:00

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there. DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough. What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help! (Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

RobinHumphries · 02/02/2025 09:28

This thread shows why children these days have no resilience. At the first sign of trouble a lot of you are just teaching your kids to give up.

Adamante · 02/02/2025 11:05

This thread shows me why some teens can’t stand their parents and they’ll be the ones who are on here in five years asking for advice about their teenager being so hostile to them and claiming to have no idea why 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 11:13

RobinHumphries · 02/02/2025 09:28

This thread shows why children these days have no resilience. At the first sign of trouble a lot of you are just teaching your kids to give up.

Ffs as I have said all through this thread resilience is learning when to continue and when to stop - pushing yourself to continue if something doesn’t feel right isn’t resilience it’s stupid.

a much more nuanced approach of knowing when to continue and when to stop should be taught

in this sleepover it depends for some pushing through minor issues is right for others staying through the discomfort isn’t the right choice

staying/continuing at all costs is as dangerous to teach as is quitting at the first sign of trouble - teaching the balance is important

Yogaatsunrise · 02/02/2025 14:37

Adamante · 02/02/2025 11:05

This thread shows me why some teens can’t stand their parents and they’ll be the ones who are on here in five years asking for advice about their teenager being so hostile to them and claiming to have no idea why 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree entirely.
Children remember defining moments like this. The shame op’s dd will be feeling will be substantial and unlikely to shift. Poor thing.
It’s not hard to respect your child’s wishes and deliver on your promises. Such basic parenting.

HamptonPlace · 02/02/2025 18:12

Strawberrylacesx03 · 30/01/2025 18:34

why force a kid to continue something they are not enjoying though, sleepovers at friends is not essential is it

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Resilience is though, no?

HamptonPlace · 02/02/2025 18:20

Itsallaboutme2021 · 31/01/2025 21:53

agree with everything you’ve said. Your posts are making me laugh. Love it. Please can you explain a Helicopter mum for me as I might need to use it myself?

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Well you can read online better than I describe it? But, basically a parent that requires/affects total conto over their chil(ren)’s lives.. no autonomy. No making their own mistakes etc… not letting kids be kids and learn g about love. That’s probably a crap description, but when you meet one, you know one..:

Itsallaboutme2021 · 02/02/2025 18:35

HamptonPlace · 02/02/2025 18:20

Well you can read online better than I describe it? But, basically a parent that requires/affects total conto over their chil(ren)’s lives.. no autonomy. No making their own mistakes etc… not letting kids be kids and learn g about love. That’s probably a crap description, but when you meet one, you know one..:

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Oh I’ve met a few of them already.

Strawberrylacesx03 · 02/02/2025 21:10

HamptonPlace · 02/02/2025 18:12

Resilience is though, no?

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Other ways to show resilience - being forced to stay at someone's house isn't necessary

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 21:23

HamptonPlace · 02/02/2025 18:20

Well you can read online better than I describe it? But, basically a parent that requires/affects total conto over their chil(ren)’s lives.. no autonomy. No making their own mistakes etc… not letting kids be kids and learn g about love. That’s probably a crap description, but when you meet one, you know one..:

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But forcing the notion of resilience is staying at all cost is also preventing them for being autonomous and letting them learn as I said when to push through and when to quit.

making them stay when they don’t want to (and as I have said there is nothing to say the OP did this is hypothetical) is also wanting total control

resillence is about adapting and bouncing back which surely means it should be both

Shakey2022 · 03/02/2025 20:55

www.instagram.com/reel/DFn3tWgNwMe/?igsh=MXhjdGY2dm90cXlyMA==

Reminds me of this thread 😂

HamptonPlace · 04/02/2025 16:01

Tiswa · 02/02/2025 21:23

But forcing the notion of resilience is staying at all cost is also preventing them for being autonomous and letting them learn as I said when to push through and when to quit.

making them stay when they don’t want to (and as I have said there is nothing to say the OP did this is hypothetical) is also wanting total control

resillence is about adapting and bouncing back which surely means it should be both

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There are many things kids (and humans generally!) don't want to do, but we have to do them. That's life! If you trust the family (which I am sure one must if sending DC for a sleepover) then that's it. You're not asking them to sleep in a Lions' den....

Gogogo12345 · 04/02/2025 16:49

Fizbosshoes · 28/01/2025 08:38

But was it the first tiny wobble?
I'd imagine in the first instance the host mum would comfort a child, distract them, try to make them feel better, give them a chance to change their mind rather than immediately calling the other parent.

It's not completely the same, but I used to volunteer in a creche for children age 0-3. If they got upset, the first thing to do would be give them a hug, play games, distract....before disturbing the parent. (Sometimes they would calm down, other times, they were still distressed and we got a parent)
Obviously much older but I'd imagine the host parent would only call the parent if they had least first tried to comfort and placate the child themselves...? So they might have been feeling anxious or upset for an hour or so before OP was called.

But you don't know the host mum did any of that. Perhaps she wasn't prepared to put up with someone else's kid having " a wobble" and wanted to get rid of the asap if they looked like they were going to be troublesome

HamptonPlace · 04/02/2025 17:14

Gogogo12345 · 04/02/2025 16:49

But you don't know the host mum did any of that. Perhaps she wasn't prepared to put up with someone else's kid having " a wobble" and wanted to get rid of the asap if they looked like they were going to be troublesome

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Don't have a child over for a sleepover if you're not prepared to 'be the parent' for that period. Should the 'hostess' be like that then wouldn't send my DC there... As previously stated: it takes a village...

HamptonPlace · 04/02/2025 17:16

Strawberrylacesx03 · 02/02/2025 21:10

Other ways to show resilience - being forced to stay at someone's house isn't necessary

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being forced to go to school rather than staying at home playing PS and watching youtube...?

Tiswa · 04/02/2025 18:30

But @HamptonPlace yes there are things we optimally should have to do and yes for many school is one such (leaving aside EBSA for now) but a sleepover isn’t one of them.

separating out things that are necessary and those that are not is actually very good practice - otherwise rather than resilience you are achieving the opposite people pleasers who stay and say yes to everything rather than being able
to discern what you want to do. Which very much is what you are advocating

TuesdayRubies · 04/02/2025 18:33

Scammersarescum · 31/01/2025 21:43

Wow the drama on this thread. It's no wonder kids have no resilience at all these days, it's no wonder they're all suffering from anxiety etc.

She's nine not three, she isnt a baby. In one years time she reaches the age of criminal responsibility in the UK.

I went as a full time boarder at nine. This was for one night. I'm fine. She's fine.

Well done OP. You helped her face something she thought she couldn't do. She will be a stronger, more confident child for it. She's just learnt to have a little faith in herself. You won't always be there to rescue her. We can't wrap our kids in cotton wool rheir whole lives.

The responses on this thread are absolutely shocking and indicative of how as a society we are failing our children. Maybe this is why so many kids are arriving at school with delayed skills, because we arent teaching them to grow up.

Posters should remember, prepare your child for the road. Not the road for your child.

Full time boarder at 9? That's horrendous.

HamptonPlace · 05/02/2025 09:21

Tiswa · 04/02/2025 18:30

But @HamptonPlace yes there are things we optimally should have to do and yes for many school is one such (leaving aside EBSA for now) but a sleepover isn’t one of them.

separating out things that are necessary and those that are not is actually very good practice - otherwise rather than resilience you are achieving the opposite people pleasers who stay and say yes to everything rather than being able
to discern what you want to do. Which very much is what you are advocating

Being out of your comfort zone (in a safe zone!) is absolutely a life skill that is essential for one's DC... They are not in charge, WE are, and as long as we are doing the right/reasonable thing, then so it should be. A 9yo doesn't have the life experience to assess a situation, that's for us to do....

Tiswa · 05/02/2025 09:49

HamptonPlace · 05/02/2025 09:21

Being out of your comfort zone (in a safe zone!) is absolutely a life skill that is essential for one's DC... They are not in charge, WE are, and as long as we are doing the right/reasonable thing, then so it should be. A 9yo doesn't have the life experience to assess a situation, that's for us to do....

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But actually I feel that is the issue a 9 year old should have the ability to say whether they can push through with a wobble (which they did here) or want to come home it is about working together (which to be fair they did)

as a parent placing yourself in charge means they can lose the ability to assess themselves and frankly could cause a lot of issues in future

mumsnet is full of posters who can’t read signals or their instincts or as you say assess situations becuase they have never been given the life experience of listening to them and have been overruled by adults

it is all about balance and making sure they know what to do - that is how I have parented and DD at 15 is doing very well at deciding what she wants to do

Thunderpants88 · 09/02/2025 22:10

Nonaynevernomore · 31/01/2025 21:26

It’s fair point though..,wrapped up in cotton wool is very poor parenting.

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Having been sexually abused and raped I will wrap in cotton wool whichever way I want. I wish I had been wrapped in cotton wool. And if that means my children are angry with me, so be it

Harry12345 · 11/02/2025 08:50

Thunderpants88 · 09/02/2025 22:10

Having been sexually abused and raped I will wrap in cotton wool whichever way I want. I wish I had been wrapped in cotton wool. And if that means my children are angry with me, so be it

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Exactly, my comment of how I was sexually abused at my best friends home has been ignored, my parents were friendly with this lovely family and thought I was safe, if my child calls from another house feeling something is off, I will collect them

Twaddlepip · 11/02/2025 14:40

Yogaatsunrise · 28/01/2025 08:37

I am not sure we agree on a ‘tiny wobble’ my friend.

The friend’s mother would have done all she can to soothe and comfort the child, distract and support her before taking the last resort of actually calling the mother to collect her child, acknowledging that this child is overwhelmed and needs to be with their mother, that she is only nine years old.

Compounding the situation by NOT collecting a child in this situation is really poor parenting, I am not going to sugar coat this choice.

As you can see from this thread collecting the child is the majority view.

If you are parenting like that maybe some reflection on the impact this is having on your dc is worthwhile, but I somehow doubt you will bother. Parents like you very rarely look at ways to improve, to show empathy, to consider the feelings of the child.

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lol

WillIEverBeOk · 11/02/2025 20:56

How did it go, @eskopt2 ?

admirible · 11/02/2025 21:01

What!!!! Go and get her shes your daughter ffsk

WillIEverBeOk · 11/02/2025 21:04

admirible · 11/02/2025 21:01

What!!!! Go and get her shes your daughter ffsk

This thread was started on the 25th of January, @admirible . So the girl (who calmed down a lot in OP's later posts on this thread) either stayed or OP picked her up already.

luckymumandnowluckygranny · 23/04/2025 01:53

My daughters went on birthday sleepovers (pizza, film and sleep type thing) from about aged 9, and it was always fine (I knew all the parents) though once the mum asked us all to come and get them as they were all falling out, and obviously we did. But every time they went I said "if you need me, call me and I will come" - and you or your husband needs to go right now. She has to know you will come if you need her, and that you will listen to her fears