To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

It’s awful, terrible parenting. Why do some people have children if they are not going to put their needs first. Absolutely wild. great lesson for the daughter, your mum doesn’t care about you when you are unsettled and unhappy and won’t come and get you.

321….op replies stating other mum has said everything is fine now and is sorry she “worried her”

Precisely why we don't allow sleepovers until secondary school...

It’s not fair to leave her unsettled or for the mum to have to deal with her because you want a quiet night.

Being unhappy with a lesson is massively different to feeling uneasy in someone else's house in the middle of the night and wanting to go home.

11pm is not the middle of the night. You're awake why wouldnt you just put a jacket on and go. Poor parenting.

FfS @eskopt2 you ought to be on your way to get your NINE year old who is not happy. Just do it and be kind when you get her.

The other mother will be judging you. Monday morning in the playground. "I calmed down minieskopt2, she was so upset and it was her first sleepover, I called Eskopt, but can you believe it she wasn't in the least bit arsed and expected mini to tough it out. She stopped crying a bit after midnight and fell asleep exhausted. I thinknwe all neednto be clear that the mother must come if the child is upset in future. And, do you know, my dd wasnupset all day on Sunday."

Think woman, think and get in yiur car.

Yeah and it will be a complete fabrication. Absolutely horrified. You are aware they are out there, but absolutely shocking when you see it written down.

She is not at a lesson or in school.

She is in a strangers house.

My kids are much older but I would go get them anywhere at any time.

My dad is 90 and would drive to the gates of hell for me, (as he says himself, he is available 25 hours a day.)

I said the same thing about picking her up if she didn’t like it

So you're going to teach her the lesson that Mum doesn't mean what she says?

I know. You could tell from the first post that she didn’t want the kid ruining her quiet night in. No idea how someone could sit there enjoying their night in full knowledge that their young child was upset and missing home.

Clearly the OP and her husband don’t give a shit.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I do care about DD and how she’s feeling. I thought it’d be kinder to give her a bit of time to calm down and see if she can push through, rather than swooping in at the first wobble. She’s safe, and the other mum said she’s not in bits, just a bit homesick.

I take your point about what I said to her beforehand. Maybe I shouldn’t have promised I’d pick her up, but I genuinely didn’t think she’d call it quits so quickly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I’ll give her a ring now and see if she really does want to come home, and if she does, of course I’ll go get her.

Why are you not there yet??
She is 9!!!

From all the OP's posts so far, I really, genuinely believe that the OP will have no problem settling down to sleep... after leaving her daughter at this sleepover.

I just picked my 15 year old up as she wasn’t feeling it! I haven’t RTFT but I hope you’ve gone to get her.

Completely disgusting and worrying attitude isn't it? That poor little girl. 😢

In the time it took you to write this thread and receive comments I'm sure you could've picked her up and come back.

I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing my daughter was upset and wanted to come home.

I'd be walking out the house to the car and putting my coat over my pj's to collect her.

DD7 tried a sleepover at my brothers and SIL house last year. By 11pm she wanted to come home and luckily after face timing me, my brother kindly drove her back. If he hadn't, I'd have collected her.

Be a mum op.

You sound rather lazy.

You said you would get her - keep your promise.
Don't expect invitations to another sleepover anytime soon either if you leave your unhappy child for someone else to try and comfort and get to sleep. I certainly wouldn't be in any hurry to repeat this if I was the other parent.

This makes me sad, I was a confident outgoing child and remember going for one of many sleepovers at my friend (and neighbours) house at around this age.
Even though I'd been plenty times before I remember suddenly feeling really homesick/panicked and going home.
I don't know what happened and I've never been like that again but it would have been 1000 times worse had I been made to stay.

I’m going to add a counterpoint to the almost universal suggestion that anything other than going to get her immediately is awful parenting. I totally agree with OP that going to pick a child up instantly isn’t necessarily the best course of action. The other parent has told OP it’s not a massive meltdown situation, and OP knows her kid and the family.

I have been in this situation the opposite way round; the child spoke to their mum on the phone, decided they would like to stay, sat downstairs with me for a little while and watched TV/had a chat and then went back up to bed! As a result, I have a good relationship with that child and she has another adult she can trust, she knows me and her mum are part of a community that work together, and everyone had a fun next day. Kids being a bit upset at a sleepover sometimes is part and parcel of the whole thing on both sides!!!

This. ^

I'd tell her no more sleepovers until secondary school if she comes home. My son was secondary school before he stayed overnight with non family members

So he’s sat on his arse drinking knowing his child wants to come home? I’m sure the other mum is wanting to go to bed!

I don't think you're appreciating that she probably already tried to "push through" for a fair amount of time before mustering up the courage to say something. Think - it must feel embarrassing to want your mum and ask if you can go home, in front of your friends etc. But she's trusted you and your word and believed that you would be there for her.

Alternatively, the other mum didn't know that it was a small wobble, text OP, daughter is now happy again and the sleepover is fine to continue.

Who knows how quickly the other mum has text OP?

There's being there for your kids in a proportionate way. No need to drop everything without the full information. My mum would (and has) come to me when needed, yet has "left" me in situations where I was safe and cared for and needed to get on with it.