To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

It is about recognising what she needs to push through and what she doesn’t - this is optional and you told her that the fact she recognises she is feeling unhappy is huge thing

pushing through isn’t always the answer

Indeed. For my dc first sleep over, I stayed alert until midnight. Then had my phone on, ringer turned up. They need to know that if it is not, ok, you will be there. How else can they gain confidence?

The difference is you and the mum conferred and she called and spoke to the child to make sure she was okay and happy to stay. Op hadn't even done that until someone here suggested it.

Why can't they come back from Brownie camps? I wouldn't send a nine year old anywhere that's too far for me to go and get them if the shit hit the fan.

Blimey!

OK, so you know she is ok staying away from home because she has stayed at grandparents. She is a bit upset, not ‘having a meltdown’. IMO / IME 9 isn’t that young for bring away full home or bring supported to push through with something and learn they can be ok.

I would maybe talk to her, reassure her and talk her down, tell her how pleased she will be with herself if she stays and comes home tomorrow.

They have probably got over excited and over tired and overwrought.

Totally agree with this. Some of the overly hysterical responses on here are laughable. OP makes clear that the child is just having a little wobble and the other mum rang just in case. My daughter had loads of sleepovers (both away and friends here) at that age. Occasionally someone got a little "wobbly", but with a bit of coaxing had a lovely time, and were proud of themselves the next day, and will probably be much more confident in future. The opposite is achieved by swooping in at the drop of a hat.

If dad wants to go and get her he can. He doesn't just get to dish out the orders.

Go and get her.

And 11 is not a middle of the night.

I would always pick my child up .no matter what!!

What @Teacaketotty said

I’d already be in the car on my way ( or my DH would be more likely going) .

OP can I ask...
What made you post on MN about this?

Go and get her! Knob!

A lot of parents don't have a car. And a lot of parents don't drive 2 hours to pick children up on a brownie trip away if a child isn't sick.

These parents won't contribute to this there as everyone will tell them how awful parents they are.

So much for people being kind! OP, I see where you're coming from and I don't think it's a bad place or about you just not being bothered to collect your little girl. If that was the case, I'm sure you wouldn't have started this thread! It may be the obvious choice is just to go get her. That is likely what I would do but it may be that she will settle..you know your friend best and if you think she can put your dd at ease. If she isn't settling, of course go get her. It's her first sleepover so it's a new situation for all of you. I guess it came across badly saying you wanted a quiet night etc but I don't think you meant you didn't give a hoot about your dd's feelings like some posters are suggesting.

Aw no , don’t leave her.

I think she has to know she can trust you to do what you say.

I'd this real? I can't believe you wouldn't just collect her right away.

Everything in context. that's not the precedent being set that if you don't like something mummy will come get you it's about letting them know that if they feel unsafe or unhappy in a situation they are in that you are there. If a child called me and said the teacher told me off or I dont like the lesson of course I'd say suck it up buttercup...but when they get to teenage years and go to a party they don't feel comfortable at or are waiting for a bus and there is some weirdo creep there you're damn right they are going to learn from a young age that whatever the time or place they can count on me to be there or do what I can to help them. I agree that lots of kids could do neither learning resilience and independence but that needs to be done in appropriate ways. The poor girl is 9 and all she is learning is that if she is feeling unsafe or anxious she'll be left to deal with it on her own. Her parents won't be there. Very sad.

Made me think of .

Go get her, you're teaching her you've got her back. When she's 17 you want her ringing you if she gets in a situation she's not comfortable with.

How do these kids cope on Brownie camps?

Not every kid does brownies/scouts etc and of those that do, not all of them go on the camps. They're not compulsory.

When I was 11 I went on a PGL holiday for a few days over the summer, with a friend. I had done multiple sleepovers before this but PGL was absolutely awful, I was so homesick. I didn't really want to go in the first place but my friend pushed me into it. Funnily enough I've grown into a very independent adult!

Okay, but I presume if you didn't have a car you wouldn't send your child off to camp saying "if you don't like it I'll come and get you!" and then say "oh actually, nah" when they take you up on it.

We have a rule in my family. If ever we don't feel comfortable we can ring any member of the family to come and pick us up - no explanations needed. Maybe it's a good time to teach that?

My parenting is sensible as she's obviously not ready for sleepovers so there's no point picking her up and sending her on another next month. She needs to wait a year or 2 until she is more resilient and not scared of being away from home at night. Repeatedly setting your child up to fail is pointless. Leave sleepovers until you are fairly sure a child will enjoy being away overnight. My son's often had 2 or 3 boys staying. It sounded chaotic for the parent but is maybe better as children are maybe less likely to want to go home if a group of them. He was older though. 9 is obviously too young for this girl

Seriously ridiculous! This is exactly what’s wrong with kids these days. They have zero resilience thanks to helicopter parenting.

She’s in a lovely safe house with a friend, she hasn’t been left in a forest. She’s a bit upset, not hysterical! What about when she’s a tiny bit upset at school? Would you pick her up immediately?

Such ridiculous drama! Call her and tell her she is absolutely fine and you will see her tomorrow @eskopt2

I had this exact scenario with my 8y dd last week but the call was at 12:45 with snow on the ground. I had to walk round to get her, no hesitation as she needed me. Glad you have gone to get her!