To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Excellent point.

FFS go and get your daughter! How can you even consider leaving her at this house?!

Are you actually being serious right now?

I picked my 10yo up at 11:30 a little while while ago. He’s had sleepovers before and been fine but couldn’t settle on this occasion. He sent me a message from his iPad and I said he needed to see if the adults were awake and if they were I would get him and if they weren’t he’d have to wait until morning. Luckily they were.

Mine are 11 & 13 and this is exactly the precedent that I DO want to set.

If you're ever in trouble, upset, unhappy, whatever, call me and I'll be there.

I’d talk to her on the phone/what’s app video but if she’s upset yes go get her. for several reasons.

1. she’s 9
2. you can’t expect the other mum to jolly her along for the night and
3. you want to let her know that she can always call you at anytime and you’ll be there for her. You want her to know that you’ll always be there when the going gets tough. Are fun sleepovers supposed to be some kind of endurance test anyway?

Isn't this just what happens sometimes when they start trying to do sleepovers?

I've had to do it a couple of times..

Go get her!

I would get her. Even if she might settle eventually she obviously doesn't feel comfortable and is anxious about staying the night she's at that stage where they want to be big but still emotionally are very young. She needs to know you'll be there. Even when I was in my late teens very early 20s going out on the town my dad would say to call him wherever I was, whatever I might get myself into whatever time of night if I didn't feel safe or needed him he would come get me. It's important she knows that. She's still very young and it's her first sleepover give her some leeway to change her mind at this stage.

Thanks, that’s a good idea! I might give her a quick call and see how she’s feeling. To be honest, I said the same thing about picking her up if she didn’t like it, but I didn’t actually think it would happen! Lesson learned there.

I do feel for the other mum too, I probably would have told DD that we were asleep and she’d have to stick it out until morning!

And yes, good point about DH. If he’s so worried, he can absolutely go get her. Although I suspect he won’t be so keen now he’s parked on the sofa with a beer and a film!

Yeah exactly, the mum will be pissed the OP hasn’t come immediately and she won’t be invited again. It will also mean the daughter won’t feel confident to try it again in the future. (and crucially won’t call her mum to come and get her in the future when she is in a situation that is problematic or unsafe because she’s not come through for her in the past).

Honestly feel so sorry for this little girl. I imagine if she does pick her up she’s going to be resentful and passive aggressive about it. Moaning she wanted a quiet night in, suck it up you’re a parent!

Go and get her!! There may be something going on in the house that is making her uncomfortable. That happened to me!

"She needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there".

^This has shocked me...she is 9!!!!!!

OP message other mum, can she ask if DD still wants to come home, if she says yes then say you will fetch her and do it.
i can’t believe you will settle and not worry about her now anyway knowing she’s not 100%

11pm is not the middle of the night !

You may already be in your pj's - so may the other family !!!
they may be wanting to go to bed/sleep.

Do not leave it for an hour or so as that will be midnight +

I would be well pissed off if i was the other mother and i had to wait another hour, she has phoned you - deal with it.

Yeah this mum is awful, I cannot imagine not just jumping in the car to get my children, for these reasons exactly. Not to mention putting the mother hosting in an awful position.

What if your daughter is in a sketchy situation in the future, ie a creepy friend's dad or a camp counsellor? She might not call you if she's in real trouble.

As a child I got extremely homesick at sleepovers and went home many times.
If my mum had refused to pick me up, I would've spent all night awake, scared and sobbing.

Be a good mother and go pick up your child.

Go and get her. There might be a very good reason she wants to come home and not something she wants to discuss over the phone . Not fair on the mum either, I would judge anyone harshly for not picking up their kid 'because they were already in their pajamas.'

Unbelievable. You really REALLY can't be arsed can you?

Your poor daughter.

Don’t think she cares if she is in her pjs already. 😭😡

Sorry OP, but I think you’re mad. This happening after you told your 9yo that you’d pick her up if she didn’t like it isn’t “lesson learned”.

Sounds like neither you nor your DH can be arsed to collect her. Feel sorry for your child, to be honest. You can sit in your pyjamas, he can enjoy his beer and your 9 year old can sit in another person’s house probably worried and unsettled. I don’t think that’s right at all.

She's 9! Of course go and get her. Isn't that pretty basic parenting? My parents came to get me in the 80s, and they were pretty no-nonsense.

I'm pretty shocked you'd consider not going. For the other mum's sake as well.

If you're ever in trouble, upset, unhappy, whatever, call me and I'll be there.

This is a crazy precedent to set. No wonder we have issues with kids in schools. If you're unhappy with the lesson, don't worry, mummy will pick you up.

Lesson not learned.

I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough

Wow. This is exactly what my children know I will do. I will be there, whenever they need me. This is how they have learnt to have the confidence and resilience to try, because they know I have their back. Your daughter will learn that no matter how bad she feels there’s no point calling you, because you won’t come.

And 11pm is not the middle of the night.
You want a nice quiet night but don’t gaf if the other mum has to be up till midnight whilst you wait to see if your daughter gives up asking for you?

I would absolutely pick her up. I don't think the mum would message you unless your daughter really wanted to go home.