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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

525 replies

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 22:50

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

OP posts:
TheBerry · 30/01/2025 16:22

Neveragain35 · 25/01/2025 22:53

Could you call and talk to her? I think that’s what I would do. I always said the “if you don’t like it I’ll come and pick you up” but I never really meant it! And TBH if one of DD’s friends on a sleepover said they wanted to go home at this hour I probably would have said their parents would be asleep by now!

Also, if DH is that bothered he can go get her!!

What so you… lied to her? So if she said “I still want to come home” you still wouldn’t go and get her?

TuesdayRubies · 30/01/2025 16:30

Poor girl probably felt pressured to say she felt fine because you're 'proud' of her for sticking out, which is ridiculous. Homesickness isn't a moral failing and it's a shame you wouldn't immediately go get your daughter.

Kazzybingbong · 30/01/2025 16:46

The fact you said you don’t want her to think you’ll come running when things get a bit tough shows exactly the parent you are. Your kids should know their mum will come to help and support whatever is going on. What a great way to make your kid think you’re not there for them.

Cerealkiller4U · 30/01/2025 16:50

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 23:11

I understand where you’re coming from, but I do care about DD and how she’s feeling. I thought it’d be kinder to give her a bit of time to calm down and see if she can push through, rather than swooping in at the first wobble. She’s safe, and the other mum said she’s not in bits, just a bit homesick.

I take your point about what I said to her beforehand. Maybe I shouldn’t have promised I’d pick her up, but I genuinely didn’t think she’d call it quits so quickly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I’ll give her a ring now and see if she really does want to come home, and if she does, of course I’ll go get her.

Show quote history

Oh. You’ve promised her you’d go get her. You can’t do that then not carry out your promise because she will lost trust in you.

Strawberrylacesx03 · 30/01/2025 17:05

I don't personally think it's a good idea to ignore children saying they want to come home. What if they end up in a compromising position in the future (I don't even need to write all the scenarios in which a child might end up unsafe in someone else's home) and think there is no point asking to be collected?

Properdaebak · 30/01/2025 17:15

I wouldn't leave her at this late ( and getting later hour) to feel abandoned by her mum and dad, even though dad feels she should be brought home.
She is still young enough to tell her friend's mum that she would like to come home, that would be harder to do if she was older, so yes, don't abandon your 9 yr. old DD, and hopefully you'll hide your disappointment in not having the quiet night in you'd hoped for, that will hurt your DD and she will remember it, believe me.

notatinydancer · 30/01/2025 17:35

11pm is not middle of the night.

GingerDoris · 30/01/2025 18:24

I'd go and get my daughter if she wanted me to, and also not to make it difficult for the other Mum. I imagine she'd like to go to bed at some point too and not have to call again at 1 in the morning.

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:24

Capricornandproud · 25/01/2025 22:54

I think 9 is too young for a sleepover and you’ve misjudged it. Go and get her now! The message you need to be sending is that you’ll always make her feel safe. Of course the idea of it will have been great but theres no way my child would manage a full sleepover at that age. I think collecting her shows that wherever she is, and whatever time she needs you, that a) you’ll respond and not be cross and b) you’ll come.

A lot of helicopter mums on here! 9 too young? Our 3 have had them from 7 (at the oldest)? They absolutely love them, though first time doing anything takes adjustment. Your instinct is correct, don't "set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough". And the other mum even said she's not having a terrible time....

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:27

Shadow1986 · 25/01/2025 22:55

I’ve had to pick up my DD multiple times. It is annoying but I would never sleep well anyway knowing she was unsettled and I would feel bad leaving another parent to deal with my upset child.
I had a friends child sleep over once (I babysat) he cried all night poor thing. And I got zero sleep.

Perhaps this has happened because you keep on doing it, and she knows if she makes a peep you will drop everything and come to mollycoddle her...?

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:28

TokyoSushi · 25/01/2025 22:56

Absolutely go and get her, I think DC's need to know that if they're stuck, you'll come and help.

It's also unfair on the other Mum if she really is upset.

What goes around comes around! Not unfair on any parent hostess - it takes a village etc...

Strawberrylacesx03 · 30/01/2025 18:34

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:27

Perhaps this has happened because you keep on doing it, and she knows if she makes a peep you will drop everything and come to mollycoddle her...?

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why force a kid to continue something they are not enjoying though, sleepovers at friends is not essential is it

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:36

Eenameenadeeka · 25/01/2025 23:08

I would absolutely pick her up. I don't think the mum would message you unless your daughter really wanted to go home.

Perhaps the other mum is worried OP is also a helicopter mum, the sort who would get angry if they had NOT been contacted to enable them to 'come running' when their daughter was a tiny put meh?

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:38

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 25/01/2025 23:09

Precisely why we don't allow sleepovers until secondary school...

that is insane. Bigger kids don't want sleepovers.

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:43

Evilspiritgin · 25/01/2025 23:16

Surely if that was the case other mum , wouldn’t have messaged and would be waiting to see if everything settled down

The mum has messaged for a reason

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She's concerned OP is a helicopter mum that would want to be called if their child had grazed their knee...

HamptonPlace · 30/01/2025 18:44

Thunderpants88 · 25/01/2025 23:17

This is why I would never let my children go for a sleep over anywhere. Ever

Do you keep them wrapped up in cotton wool too?

Muddypawsies · 30/01/2025 18:55

My goodness! I’d have left her! She was safe, and she would have learned that she actually could stay away overnight and be fine. Nothing bad would have happened to her and by seeing it through her self esteem would have risen.

ALJT · 30/01/2025 18:59

id personally go pick my child up that instant as I don’t think it’s fair to the mum to be put in that position and also not fair to your child who is clearly not ready

NavyTurtle · 30/01/2025 19:48

Are you for real. She's 9. Who can she turn to if she can't turn to you because you want 'a quiet evening '. Shame on you. I would do anything for my kids to feel safe and happy and they are in their 40s. You discust me.

NavyTurtle · 30/01/2025 19:49

Kazzybingbong · 30/01/2025 16:46

The fact you said you don’t want her to think you’ll come running when things get a bit tough shows exactly the parent you are. Your kids should know their mum will come to help and support whatever is going on. What a great way to make your kid think you’re not there for them.

This

NavyTurtle · 30/01/2025 19:51

3petitpois · 25/01/2025 22:55

Wow! I can’t believe you haven’t gone already. ‘ I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough’ - Your poor daughter.

It's not a competition. A good mother would be there like a shot.

NavyTurtle · 30/01/2025 19:52

Muddypawsies · 30/01/2025 18:55

My goodness! I’d have left her! She was safe, and she would have learned that she actually could stay away overnight and be fine. Nothing bad would have happened to her and by seeing it through her self esteem would have risen.

Shes 9 ffs.

NavyTurtle · 30/01/2025 19:56

carconcerns · 25/01/2025 22:53

I have have several children past this stage and think that is really dramatic. Sounds like she's fine.

Show quote history

How do you know. Is there a brother, a family member there that she dosent feel.safe around. How dare you say she's fine when you have no idea.

Casperroonie · 30/01/2025 20:39

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 22:50

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Omg just pick her up. She's really young!!

Casperroonie · 30/01/2025 20:40

GreylingsSkin · 25/01/2025 22:54

Wow you just want to leave her there?!

My mother always told me no matter where I was, no matter how late she would come and get me if I called. This was backed up by when I was little and scared of a house that was a bit creak and then a few years later when a friends older brother was creepy I called her and she picked me up, who knows what that saved me from. I also called her from parties when the only drivers were drunk, because I knew, reinforced from many occasions she’d come, and she wouldn’t complain or judge. I hope you are already leaving the house to get her.

Edited

100% this!!!