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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

525 replies

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 22:50

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

OP posts:
Immo8 · 30/01/2025 13:53

Willwetalk · 30/01/2025 13:48

Excellent. I called someone an arse. You slag off my dead mother's parenting. Away with you. Byeeeee.

Show quote history

Hang on, aren't you slagging off the OP's parenting by calling her an arse? Talk about contradicting oneself 😂

Lickityspit · 30/01/2025 13:58

I’ll always remember my dad coming out to pick me up when I was scared at a sleep over. The parents were drunk and I wanted to go home. I always said the same to my own DC and I still mean it now they are adults

Pretz123 · 30/01/2025 14:06

Well done op! My DD is 9 and loves a sleepover but her first sounds very similar, likewise I've had her friends in tears but always managed to calm them with kind words and a cuddle. She will be so proud of herself in the morning!

ClarityofVision · 30/01/2025 14:15

We chatted for a bit, and by the end of the call, she seemed a lot calmer and even had a little giggle about how silly she’d felt earlier. I told her I’d come and get her if she really wanted me to, but she said she’d try to stick it out.

I think you are a brilliant mum - reassuring your daughter while also helping her build resilience.
Having spent decades taking Brownies of your daughter's age on week-long pack holidays (and Guides on camps), I have seen this many, many, many times and I think you did exactly the right thing.

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 14:15

CornishTeaTime · 25/01/2025 23:04

"She needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there".

^This has shocked me...she is 9!!!!!!

Exactly. She's not 4.

Onlyvisiting · 30/01/2025 14:18

Go and get her!
Quite aside from not being a dick to your daughter, the mum there shouldn't have to deal with someone else's upset 9year old all night, that is unreasonable to ask.
At the very least you should talk to your daughter on the phone and find how she is feeling directly. She MIGHT be settled enough by that, but if not one of you should fetch her.

SarBe · 30/01/2025 14:19

Errrrr, you go and get her!

Immo8 · 30/01/2025 14:21

Onlyvisiting · 30/01/2025 14:18

Go and get her!
Quite aside from not being a dick to your daughter, the mum there shouldn't have to deal with someone else's upset 9year old all night, that is unreasonable to ask.
At the very least you should talk to your daughter on the phone and find how she is feeling directly. She MIGHT be settled enough by that, but if not one of you should fetch her.

That's what the OP did do...

Nonaynevernomore · 30/01/2025 14:31

Onlyvisiting · 30/01/2025 14:18

Go and get her!
Quite aside from not being a dick to your daughter, the mum there shouldn't have to deal with someone else's upset 9year old all night, that is unreasonable to ask.
At the very least you should talk to your daughter on the phone and find how she is feeling directly. She MIGHT be settled enough by that, but if not one of you should fetch her.

It’s a bit late I think! OP posted five days ago!

TallulahBetty · 30/01/2025 14:32

Onlyvisiting · 30/01/2025 14:18

Go and get her!
Quite aside from not being a dick to your daughter, the mum there shouldn't have to deal with someone else's upset 9year old all night, that is unreasonable to ask.
At the very least you should talk to your daughter on the phone and find how she is feeling directly. She MIGHT be settled enough by that, but if not one of you should fetch her.

She did. 5 days ago when this was posted.

RTFT.

TallulahBetty · 30/01/2025 14:32

SarBe · 30/01/2025 14:19

Errrrr, you go and get her!

She did. 5 days ago when this was posted.

RTFT.

Nonaynevernomore · 30/01/2025 14:33

Onlyvisiting · 30/01/2025 14:18

Go and get her!
Quite aside from not being a dick to your daughter, the mum there shouldn't have to deal with someone else's upset 9year old all night, that is unreasonable to ask.
At the very least you should talk to your daughter on the phone and find how she is feeling directly. She MIGHT be settled enough by that, but if not one of you should fetch her.

Oh and she also spoke to her in the phone five days ago!

ManchesterLu · 30/01/2025 14:34

Great that she cheered up, but just add that:

a) 11pm is not "the middle of the night"
b) Of course you should go and collect your 9 year old little girl if she needs or wants you to.

Welshmonster · 30/01/2025 14:35

Next time there is a sleepover nobody has a beer and if you need to pick her up then you both go.
this is what DH and I did. Neither of us could stand swimming lessons so we agreed we would both go and hate it together 😜

AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 14:40

Hopper123 · 25/01/2025 23:02

I would get her. Even if she might settle eventually she obviously doesn't feel comfortable and is anxious about staying the night she's at that stage where they want to be big but still emotionally are very young. She needs to know you'll be there. Even when I was in my late teens very early 20s going out on the town my dad would say to call him wherever I was, whatever I might get myself into whatever time of night if I didn't feel safe or needed him he would come get me. It's important she knows that. She's still very young and it's her first sleepover give her some leeway to change her mind at this stage.

I agree and reading what your dad said to you reduced me to tears, what a lovely, caring dad.❤️

Swanfeet · 30/01/2025 14:41

So your first instinct is to pick up your phone and post on mumsnet rather than collect your daughter? I’m actually lost for words

MrsSunshine2b · 30/01/2025 14:52

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 23:44

I gave DD a call, and she sounded a bit teary at first but not completely distraught. She said she missed being at home but also didn’t want to leave because she’d been looking forward to the sleepover so much. I reassured her that it’s perfectly normal to feel like that on your first one and reminded her she’s safe and that her friend’s mum is there if she needs anything.

We chatted for a bit, and by the end of the call, she seemed a lot calmer and even had a little giggle about how silly she’d felt earlier. I told her I’d come and get her if she really wanted me to, but she said she’d try to stick it out.

The other mum has been really lovely about it and said she’d keep an eye on her and let me know if she gets upset again. Fingers crossed she manages the night! I’ve told her how proud I am of her for giving it a go, but I’ll have my phone on loud just in case.

I agree with your approach completely.

She has learned that when she feels anxious, you will support her, but she can cope without being rescued and make the most of the opportunities life offers, even if they are a little bit scary. Well done to both you and DD.

Harry12345 · 30/01/2025 14:54

I’ve taught my children to trust their gut and if they felt unsafe or scared at anyone’s house to call and I’d get them at any time. I was sexually assaulted at 10 by a friends brother during a sleepover and wish I thought I could call my mum to get me. You don’t know what happens in other people’s homes

Jenasaurus · 30/01/2025 15:08

My son when he was 10 and looking forward to a sleep over was upset and homesick we collected him at midnight, he just wanted his own bed and familiar surroundings, he was fine at other sleepovers but he just wasn't ready to be away from home on that occasion.

lessglittermoremud · 30/01/2025 15:15

Glad she settled and felt better after a phone call, I think it’s important that children know that you will come and get them if they need to come home.
I wasn’t given a chance when my child was away at a similar sort of age as no one told me they were upset each night until they got home, a few days later.
Its had lasting consequences because now I have a child that is reluctant to be away from home overnight without us incase they can’t get back, despite my assurances that I would always come and get them.
Home is a safe place and children who are secure in the knowledge that their parents will step in usually show a great resilience and less stress longer term.

CatherineW61 · 30/01/2025 15:17

Maybe ask the friend's mother if it is ok to give your daughter a call and have a chat and see if she will stay ,She might regret leaving early if its just a little wobble and she just needs reassurance

StarTrek1 · 30/01/2025 15:17

Either you or hubby get her.

She isn’t ready yet.

I8toys · 30/01/2025 15:20

Jesus wept. You have to ask on a public forum.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 30/01/2025 15:24

eskopt2 · 25/01/2025 23:44

I gave DD a call, and she sounded a bit teary at first but not completely distraught. She said she missed being at home but also didn’t want to leave because she’d been looking forward to the sleepover so much. I reassured her that it’s perfectly normal to feel like that on your first one and reminded her she’s safe and that her friend’s mum is there if she needs anything.

We chatted for a bit, and by the end of the call, she seemed a lot calmer and even had a little giggle about how silly she’d felt earlier. I told her I’d come and get her if she really wanted me to, but she said she’d try to stick it out.

The other mum has been really lovely about it and said she’d keep an eye on her and let me know if she gets upset again. Fingers crossed she manages the night! I’ve told her how proud I am of her for giving it a go, but I’ll have my phone on loud just in case.

I think you have done exactly the right thing. This teaches children resilience in the long run and this is a safe situation for her to learn a little resilience so that you can build on that with other things over time.

Runnersandtoms · 30/01/2025 15:59

My kids have always known I will always come and get them if they need me to. They are now teens and I'll still avoid drinking if they're out just in case they want me to get them.

It is most likely nothing serious in this case, but imagine a scenario where your child is actually upset due to a dad or older brother attempting sexual abuse, and they don't want to say so on the phone because the other mum is there. Or she got her period. Or her friend is insisting on watching a horror film that's too old for them. Or when she's older her friends are experimenting with drugs or drink and she doesn't want to but doesn't want to say so. My kids know I'll come no questions asked if they text or ring me. If necessary I tell them to make an excuse that mum has text to say there's a family emergency and they have to leave.

Your child should absolutely be able to rely on you rescuing them in any such situation not fob them off.