To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

Or no wonder we have so many mental health issues in society if people are still raising kids like it’s 1939!
So poorly educated on the fundamentals of building trust and security.

And there’s me hoping you’re a troll for your insane overreaction. 🤣

This thread is chaos. Would most of you really swoop in the very second your precious child had a tiny (and totally natural) wobble?! Madness.

No…but clearly a lot of us also would be more interested in our child’s emotional welfare than OP gave the impression of being, plus we wouldn’t be weighing up our child’s need over our own ‘need’ to have wine and stay in PJs, or give empty promises.

A lot of you are minimising this and masking it under overprotective parenting. It’s not actually about whether you go and pick up the child or not, it’s the attitude towards her that stinks, the carelessness of not actually dealing with her emotions or giving appropriate reassurance and it is also about teaching your child that you mean what you say.

If it had been in the same situation no way would I be posting in a can’t-be-bothered way concerned that I’d miss out on my own treat. Doesn’t mean I’d ‘swoop in’ either. But yes I would my daughters situation my full consideration and do whatever ever was needed.

I am not sure we agree on a ‘tiny wobble’ my friend.

The friend’s mother would have done all she can to soothe and comfort the child, distract and support her before taking the last resort of actually calling the mother to collect her child, acknowledging that this child is overwhelmed and needs to be with their mother, that she is only nine years old.

Compounding the situation by NOT collecting a child in this situation is really poor parenting, I am not going to sugar coat this choice.

As you can see from this thread collecting the child is the majority view.

If you are parenting like that maybe some reflection on the impact this is having on your dc is worthwhile, but I somehow doubt you will bother. Parents like you very rarely look at ways to improve, to show empathy, to consider the feelings of the child.

But was it the first tiny wobble?
I'd imagine in the first instance the host mum would comfort a child, distract them, try to make them feel better, give them a chance to change their mind rather than immediately calling the other parent.

It's not completely the same, but I used to volunteer in a creche for children age 0-3. If they got upset, the first thing to do would be give them a hug, play games, distract....before disturbing the parent. (Sometimes they would calm down, other times, they were still distressed and we got a parent)
Obviously much older but I'd imagine the host parent would only call the parent if they had least first tried to comfort and placate the child themselves...? So they might have been feeling anxious or upset for an hour or so before OP was called.

Did OP ever come back with an update on how her DD survived the night? I'm sure they have both forgotten about it by now while debate rages on!

What rubbish. The mental health epidemic is due to a number of factors, I don’t think one of them being not being picked up from a sleepover.

The OP DID build trust and security - she spoke to her daughter and reassured her and she was then ok to stay. We need to allow children to feel negative feelings sometimes and to work through them. Some parents can’t bear to see their child unhappy or anxious but these are normal human emotions.

You have absolutely no idea what the host mother may or may not have done. You are inventing stuff.

What we do have from the OP is that she had a conversation with the daughter who "giggled" and thought she had over reacted. For the parent to then swoop in and tell the daughter "no no you can't possibly cope, come to mumsy" simply disempowers the child rather than giving her the opportunity to carry on and enjoy the time with her friend.

Of course children should be allowed to change their minds in this situation without parents overriding them and denying them that chance to gain just a little independence and self confidence.
But then not all parents want to help their children to grow up and become independent.

There are some serious hags on this thread Jesus.

Sexist as well as unable to read the OP. Delightful.

I'd disagree personally.

I'd think that a big part of parenting is teaching resilience in controlled conditions, which is what this is. She was safe and with familiar people. There was no danger, no peril. And had there actually been, of course her parents would have fetched her.
A 9yo at a quiet sleepover, with one close friend, in a familiar family home, is very different from a 16yo at a rambunctious house party or out at a club. They are entirely different situations, and comparing them seems odd to me.

Part of parenting is, in my opinion, building "cope" in safe and predictable conditions. Feeling a few hours of "uncomfortableness" isn't going to do any harm.

Absolutely.

I think people are being an unnecessarily harsh and a little dramatic on here OP! I know it’s the next day now so it would be good to hear what you eventually did.

In your situation I probably would have asked if I could speak to my child first, try to ascertain what’s wrong and try to help her settle. It might be the mum was able to calm her down. Some children get emotional at sleep time when they are tired, it doesn’t necessarily mean she needed to be whisked back home. Of course you are in her corner, and by speaking to her first you are showing her that, it’s not like you’ve just ignored her!

anyway let us know what happened.

Sorry Capricorn I didn’t mean to reply directly to you!

You're an arse. My mum would have picked me up any time, any place, anywhere, whether I was 9 or 49. I'd do the same for my daughter.

Your considering leaving your little girl with a relative stranger to console just because your in your pjs?? Mum of the year you are

49? You clearly don't respect your mother very much if you think you can snap your fingers and she turns up at any time! Is she not allowed to go on holiday or have a drink somewhere meaning she can't drive 😂
There are so many bonkers people in this world...

I have told my children that if they ever went for a sleepover at someone's house then if they wanted to come home at any point I will go and pick them up purely because I remember being a child in that situation and being so upset and wanting my own room and familiar surroundings that I actually spent all night crying and eventually cried myself to sleep, I wouldn't want my children going through that

Don’t let her be someone else’s problem.

"I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough."

When things get a bit tough that's exactly when I'll go running to my son. That's my job.

Of course she could. My point was that she was always there for me. I never took the piss, never snapped my fingers and had the utmost respect and love for her. You can try to twist my words any way you like, but you know exactly what I meant. She was Mum, loved us like Mum, cared for us like Mum and came when we needed her. If you can't do that for your kids, don't have them.

Personally I don't think she did a very good job of raising you if you think it's ok to come on here behind a keyboard and tell a fellow mum "she's an arse". But that's just my opinion. ..

Excellent. I called someone an arse. You slag off my dead mother's parenting. Away with you. Byeeeee.

I would absolutely have gone straight away. Children are so vulnerable and need to feel loved and protected she is 9 yrs old, she is allowed to be unsettled by it all and if its not too far you should go get it sorted. Be pragmatic 0 say its fine, and its good she felt she could get xxs mum to phone etc, that there was nothing to be sacred of but if needed you will always go and get her.

Mines 19 and no snowflake and I had to do this for her around that age

Don't play with fire if you can't handle the flame!