To not want to pick up DD in the middle of the night from a sleepover?

[eskopt2]

First time posting here, so please be kind! DD (9) is at her first proper sleepover tonight at her best friend’s house. She was so excited about it all week, and I thought it’d be lovely for her to have a bit of independence. She’s never done a sleepover before, but she’s stayed with her grandparents and been absolutely fine, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

Anyway, I just got a text from her friend’s mum saying DD is a bit upset and wants to come home. The mum says it’s not a big meltdown or anything but she wanted to let me know. Now I’m torn. It’s 11pm, I’m already in my PJs, and I was really looking forward to a quiet evening. WIBU to give it a bit longer and see if she settles? I don’t want to leave her feeling miserable, but part of me thinks she needs to learn that sometimes she has to push through things like this. It’s only one night, and she’s in a safe and lovely house with her friend and her mum there.

DH says I should go get her straight away because “she’s still little,” but I think that’s giving in too quickly. I also don’t want to set a precedent where she thinks I’ll always come running the second things get a bit tough.

What would you do? Should I stick it out for an hour or so and see if she settles, or am I being mean? Help!

(Posting here rather than calling my mum because I know she’d just tell me to wrap her in cotton wool and fetch her straight away!)

I think for some the idea of pushing through and building resilience is a real trigger - because there simply is no need for things like this

i think calling and seeing if she is comfortable and it is just a wobble is fine but at the same time learning when you have had enough of a situation is also a valuable skill as well

sometimes pushing is good, sometimes recognising that it is time to call something a day is also good

Yeah as I've been firmly told. Resilience is bullshit and a bad word. Nobody should have to have any. Everyone should be able to quit everything at the first hurdle if they're in any way uncomfortable.

@Yogaatsunrise perhaps or perhaps OP’s daughter ended up having a wonderful time and is feeling really proud of herself for pushing through.
accusing op of permanently traumatising her child is a heavy accusation in my opinion.

Absolutely agree.

There's a lot of parents who rescue their DC from minor discomfort, leaving their DC to expect a life free of pain, disappointment and anxiety. The reality is that life is full of those feelings, along with happiness, joy and fun. We aren't programmed to need to be happy all the time.

Yes and actually talking to her and allowing her to make that decision because it was a wobble is fine.

but overall this whole idea of pushing through and building resilience should be something that it used when appropriate, if you are excited but nervous, if you have a last minute wobble etc but not as a gold standard for how you should handle all situations.

learning when it is time to quit/walk away stop doing something is an equally important skill and one which I feel we don’t actually hold up as being as important as it should.

Except the dd didn’t make the decision, her feelings were minimised and she was told she was being silly. It was hardly empowering!

Honestly.

Coming home from a sleepover at NINE years old is not quitting or becoming one of life’s losers! It is simply a year or two too early for that particular child. You are blowing a simple sleepover out of all proportion.

It is far better for dd to feel listened to, supported and cared for at such a tender age, so she knows she can explore the world and won’t be let down by those that are supposed to care for her.

Numerous school camps??? Ours get one in year 6 for 2 nights, they don't get much playtime either...45 mins lunch so what 15 mins if they are lucky and a 20 minute am break from leaving class to being back in and only toilet trips in break/lunch...so max 25 mins free a day.

OP said that before she called her daughter. After someone has suggested she could call her for reassurance.

Not at all. She was home educated for the first few years of schooling due to extreme separation anxiety (not sure how by 4, we could have already fostered that in her), then chose to go back in yr 4. She wobbled on occasion, but stuck it out, knowing if the shit really hit the fan we'd help her...isn't that parenting?

Did you miss the part where I said that now, at 14, she probably spends an average of between 20.and 30.nights a year away from us competing, sometimes internationally? Books all her own travel, packs her kit, sets multiple alarms etc etc...what part of that screams a dependency? That she needed help one night because her braces hurt? You're right, what a failure 😂

She's talking about going to a residential sports college for A-Levels (including ramping up her school work focus independently to get the grades needed, after researching it herself) because it is an Olympic pathway feeder....this would be an hour's ferry and a 3 hour drive from us...sounds pretty independent to me...those late night cub camp pick ups obviously didn't do too much harm.

And yes, I think this was what made me roll my eyes.

@C8H10N4O2
It’s a sleep over not a tour of duty in Basra.

This honestly cracked me the fuck up. 😂 Thank you!

Me too! Sums up some of these ridiculous posts 😂

The bar is terribly low for some on here. Unless the dc are being blown apart they shouldn’t be bothering their beleaguered wine swilling parents. Hilarious. Not.

In a nutshell, her mother did call after all…even if was just to tell her she was being silly and to confirm she would be breaking her promise. As a glass of wine and Netflix are more important. Sad.

Not what happened at all.

@Yogaatsunrise it sounds like OP validated her DD’s feelings by saying it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous/unsure. After speaking to her mum, DD felt reassured and said herself she was just being silly. I didn’t catch the part where OP called her silly.

I would’ve done the same so guess I’m part of the shit parent club 🤷‍♀️

No I totally get that! But I'd be pissed off if an upset child's parent wasn't picking up their child!

Yes, maybe you are. Leaving your kid on their first sleepover at the age of NINE after promising you would collect them is shit parenting.

It actually makes it worse that the child called herself silly, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand the subtleties nor to care less. Poor kids.

Reading this has cheered me up.
This is how to live.
I don't have so many family left now but I extend this to friends or almost anyone I know.
If I am able I will be there.
Thank you for this post.

We are talking about a little girl
nine years old
on a first ever sleep over
Not a Royal Marine in training.

I can’t believe some of these posts .Jesus no wonder we have so many snowflakes these days

Did she manage to stick it out in the end OP?

For what it's worth, I do understand why you were unsure of the best thing to do. I have 3 grandchildren, 2 of them have stayed over many times, and on the odd occasion one or the other had a bit of a wobble, and insisted on going home, but the third one, has NEVER wanted to stay with us, and on the odd occasion where she thought she could cope with a sleepover at friends, she ALWAYS ended up calling and wanting to go home. It's only recently that she's told me that she thinks she might be slightly autistic, and feels that that's why she could never cope. She's now in her 20's, and while she has been away on a couple of holidays with friends over more recent years, she still doesn't really enjoy being away from home. So I think it's a case of all kids are different, and you shouldn't necessarily give up the minute a parent calls and says your child is having a bit of a wobble. These days with FaceTime etc., it's so easy to for your child to not only speak to you, but see you as well, and I think quite often, that might just give them the little bit of reassurance they need to help them past their fears, so please don't feel that you're a crap Mum, just because the vast majority of posters seemed shocked that you didn't immediately jump to go and collect your DD, in my opinion you did absolutely the right thing.