To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

How do the girls suggest they get home? If they’re old enough to go clubbing til 3am I’d be inclined to think that they are old enough to work out how to get home.
But I appreciate that my kids are much younger so might be missing something here

How old are they?

they need to work this out for themselves and if they can’t pay for it they’ll just have to go less often - in an emergency would be different

I wonder if the mum is worried the girls will go back to someone’s house or get a lift with drunk boys if she doesn’t pick them up.

Can you not suggest you each pick up one 'lift' and if you don't want to do it, pay for a taxi. So one night in 4 (every 2 months) you pay the full cost of a taxi, instead of everyone paying £15 every 2 weeks?

The young women need to work this out for themselves.

I think your solution is fair enough. You don’t say how old the girls are but guessing 18? And of the cab is checked etc anyway I think it’s fine. I dont see why she is against rhe idea of a verified and pre booked taxi? I would expect the girls to look after each other. Yes there is risk waiting for a taxi at 3am but there’s also risk inside a busy nightclub full
of drunk people. I suspect the risk inside the club is statistically greater to be honest!! And the girls are coming home so presumably if there was any incident you’d all know pretty quickly..I’d invite her round for a friendly coffee and genuinely ask what her concerns are and see if there is a way to overcome them. My parents never picked me up and we were out a lot and very young..!!

YANBU! Just because this other mum didn't mind going to get them at that insane hour, it shouldn't set a precedent that you and the other mums feel you have to follow! That isn't fair. You're doing the right thing, in my opinion.

Im amazed that they go clubbing every weekend and expect their parents to provide a taxi service.

Your daughter's are adults and need to plan getting home into their night out. If they can't get home they don't go.

YANBU this isn't your problem. They are grown adults and need to factor a taxi home in to their night out.

No if the girls are old enough to go clubbing they're old enough to sort out getting home. They'll just need to factor in a share of a taxi fare into their night out costs.

She's not unreasonable to suggest a rota but you're also not unreasonable to decline. They need to factor in the cost of taxi and pre-book it, splitting the cost.

Part of the cost of going out is the cost of the taxi home
If they can't afford it they don't go.

I think the glaringly obvious solution is for the girls to book a hotel. This is something me and my friends would do back in the day when we went into a city to go clubbing.
Either that or the 50/60 quid to get home. Tbh if split between 3 that's not masses x

What is she planning to do if her DD goes to University? Head up there and offer a lift every time she goes out for an evening?

A decent cocktail here on a night out can be about £10 , so if the girls can afford the drinks on a night out they can definitely club together for a cab . Could they alternate sleeping over at each others after so one girl isn’t left in the taxi at the end if that’s an issue .
Once mine were old enough to have nights out like this , they had to plan their own safe travel home . With the understanding that they could always call us in an emergency if they got stuck / plans went wrong etc .

I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about not taking the piss with other people (anxious mum), taking responsibility for coming home and planning ahead. If she's old enough to be drinking, she's old enough to be putting her brain and cash to use.

You can't be arranging her play dates and taxis forever.

I did used to pick my dc up occasionally and other mums/dads would take a turn in yr13. I don’t really drink so it didn’t mess up my plans. I personally quite liked it as I found out stuff (girls who have been drinking talk!)
Going out twice a month sounds quite a lot though. With exams and revision it might calm down a bit? I think there’s a bit of novelty factor when they turn 18.
I’d be saying to dc they can’t just use Emily’s mum she’s clearly had enough and what plan have they got.

If you 4 shared it, it’d be once every 2 months. Which surely is no problem for any of you. I would definitely do this for my dd’s safety.

If they are clubbing they are 18 and need to sort out making their own way home. If they are younger - why are they clubbing?

It’s absolutely right that the girls should factor a taxi into the cost of a night out. Split four ways it’s not ridiculous. I had to pay similar 30 years ago, I live rurally. If I couldn’t afford it I wouldn’t have gone out. That’s life..

The mother driving them has created a monster.

They don’t buy drinks out. They pre and nightclubs are often free entry before 12. So just because going out doesn’t mean they have lots of cash.

I'm sorry but there is no way adult women should be getting their mums forming a WhatsApp chat to discuss picking them up like its a 9th birthday party.

If they are old enough to go out and get pissed until 3am, they are old enough to earn money for cab fare. When I was 18 it was not cheap for a cab. We didn't go out every weekend and we used to stay at each others houses to share a cab. Bus it in to town, cab back.

My daughters and their friends take it in turns to sleep at each other’s houses because nobody likes being the last one in a taxi on their own

I’m in the minority so far nut for my young adults, I would and have done this.

Would it be feasible for you to suggest that you’re willing to cover the full cost of a taxi once a month ?

If they only go twice a month and theres 4 of them, itd only be once every other month? Wouldnt begrudge doing that tbh. Doesnt seem like a big ask and I'd do this for my daughter. 🤷‍♀️