To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

i think that 3am once in a while is OK, I don’t think it on every week while they are at school. My children at that age only stayed out until 11. This is probably one of the reasons that they did well at school.

I think give them money towards a taxi.

It’s not really there fault they live in area with 3 taxi drivers and a ride to town costs £60

That's what I was thinking! The mammies messaging one another about it all is worse than the picking them up.

Midnight maybe but 3am not a chance. If they're old enough to be out that late they're old enough to arrange getting home safely

Literally this! Exactly the same, lived in a same town went to the bigger town 10 miles or so away and paid for a taxi home or stayed in bigger town occasionally.
Would never have expected my parents to pick me up, and unless my last option they wouldn't 😆

The girls need to factor in the cost of the return taxi on their night out!

Just me that would have been mortified at the very idea of my mother rocking up at the end of a night out? 😂

When I was 18 I’d have rather crawled home than got a lift, I’d have likely thought it was “cringy.”

My dad used to pick me up from town, similar time, make me a cheese sandwich when we got home and be up at 5am for work.
I / DH do the same for our 18 year old. We always drop his friends off. Of course we’d love to have a weekend off, or one of his mates parents to at least offer and can’t understand why they don’t - but wouldn’t ask. We also work shifts so are sometimes up at daft hours for work on a weekend. I didn’t need picking up for forever and I’m sure my DS won’t. He’s Autistic and didn’t leave the house for 4 years due to burnout. I’d have cut my spleen out to do “normal” parenting duties and now were able, it’s an absolute privilege.

That’s a really good point. I still hate being left in the taxi last!

Going against the grain I might do it once to reciprocate but I’d offer to pick them up earlier,say 1am. 3am is completely unreasonable, especially if it’s 30mins away
I would worry about them getting in a car with drunk drivers like pp said but I work in A&E so maybe have a different opinion to most and am also used to working through the night so staying up wouldn’t bother me.

after that I’d be expecting to sort themselves out. If they’re adult enough to go clubbing then they can find a reasonable plan to get home

The girls really should be arranging their own transport. If it's too expensive they go clubbing less. Important life lesson and all that. I probably wouldn't pay for the taxi either, but presumably if all the mums can afford it then that's a very sensible option.

If the mum gives you shit and you can't find the mental energy to get into it may I suggest 'i take medication before which means I can't safely drive at that time' is a decent excuse?

Can't believe you Mum's are texting each other about this! I would have died of embarrassment at 18!

I’ve stopped now she’s at uni and not living here. It was never going to be a long term thing.

They’re old enough to share a taxi. Maybe the last two dropped off could stay at the same house for the night to save one being left alone at the end.

She’s being a bit of a martyr with this I feel.

I really wouldn't suggest four girls got a cheap hotel. They wouldn't be able to do it for £60, more than likely, and I'm sure it would result in at least one of them wanting to bring a guy back.

I think you are right about the taxi, OP. I feel for that Mum but I can see why you don't want to take your turn especially if the other two aren't

Completely agree with you OP, you’re not being unreasonable at all, especially as the taxi service you’ve mentioned seems throughly reputable. At 18 I think it’s an important life skill to be able to navigate this type of situation

How do they get to this other town?

I would occasionally do it for my DC (and have done in the past), but honestly they need to sort themselves out. Perhaps if they go out less but club together for a taxi they could manage it. I don't think you are at all unreasonable to not do this.

Lots of years ago, my mum told me that if I was old enough to go clubbing then I was old enough to get myself home. I’m not totally convinced she was right (sometimes I walked 6 miles home alone after drinking my taxi money 🙄) but I knew lifts weren’t on offer so I didn’t bother asking.

My older sons did their own thing but I made it clear that, if plans went awry, they could call and I would help. My twins are approaching 17 and I’m old enough to be struggling with unlit roads/night blindness so I’m not sure lifts will be an option for them but I’ll always offer help in other ways.

So, I think the girls should be factoring the cost of the taxi into their plans, working out sleepovers so nobody is left alone and reassuring the mum, who has done so much for them, that they have organised it safely so she’s not worried. Otherwise, how will they manage to organise nights out at Uni?

Do none of them drive? When we used to do this, we'd take turns driving if we were going further than where we could afford to get a taxi. We'd only just passed our tests so driving was still exciting, and it taught us the important life lesson of needing, and being, a designated driver. But if the taxi's that cheap, I don't see why they wouldn't just do that. I was paying that in 1998 for the fifteen minute journey home! It definitely sounds like they need to learn to be a bit more self-reliant.

Is this woman serious? She chose to do that. No rational person would think that the baton now goes to you or the other mums.

I'm not saying I'd never ever do it. My husband offers to pick me up and vice versa.

But on a regular basis no i wouldn't.

No one needs to be the last in the taxi. They can stay at someone's house. That's what we always did.

If they are old enough to go to nightclubs they are old enough to get home.

I would like to think i wouldn’t be bullied by any do gooder like this but I understand it’s hard when there are genuine safety concerns.

I totally agree. I’m a firm believer in safety in numbers and DD and I have discussed this. Sticking together, all come home together. My view would be different if she were going out alone and meeting people there, so it was tricky to say don’t take the piss out of the other mum when the others were getting a lift with her

As a Mum to 3 girls, I absolutely will never encourage them to get a taxi. The world is sadly far too dangerous for young women and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I stayed in bed and they got hurt. My husband is of the same opinion and my son has been told the same, we will ALWAYS be there to pick you up, no matter the time, place or circumstance. I 100% feel this shouldn't be necessary but it's the sad reality of the world we live in.