To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

In 1978 I had to get a cab home from a concert in London when the trains were cancelled I was with 3 friends, we were 15/16 at the time. The cab driver suddenly pulled over and offered to drive us home for free if we had sex with him- we told him we were 15 and he said “I won’t tell if you don’t “. We all got out of the taxi and walked home (about an hour along the north circular at 1am).
My friend’s mum contacted the police who were not at all interested.

Why is it embarrassing? I agree with her?

YANBU - she's being a mummy martyr. No one is forcing her to do this - and she's mad for doing so.

She needs to tell her own dd "No" and obviously has a problem doing so.

They have years to be shocked, let them enjoy it while they can?

When it all goes to shit, there is not a teachable moment..

all the education doesn’t protect women from predators … our nation has plenty of slashers, muggers, creeps. They will get the other girls… not mine.

Do what you like with your kids, I’ll take care of mine, mine are fully on board and when I’m old and frail and need an inconvenient ride to someplace I’ll expect them to do it.

no helpful comments are going to replace responsible care - in my family, we look after each other.

I don't think you are taking care of them if you are insisting that it is not safe to get taxis and that they shouldn't go out unless you pick them up. What if your children are 200 miles from you? Are you going to pick them up from nightclubs then?

I'm not sure what your point is. Do you think people never get harassed while walking home with friends? I certainly have been and there is no way of even knowing who they are if your want to complain. At least if you are in a taxi nowadays they would be able to locate who he was and nowadays he would have his licensed removed.

Read orig text for context, I was clear on context unless didn’t make sense to you. Sorry you are so angry.

My dad and one other friend’s dad used to do this for us every weekend. I don’t think girls are safe and the mother is right to be worried. If I could drive (uncontrolled epileptic, so can’t), I’d be a taxi for my kids whenever needed in order to ensure they’re safe.

18 is legal adulthood, not mental adulthood, and they don’t know the world enough to avoid dangers. When I started trying to find places to sleep amongst the people i knew from the club, i really got in dangerous territory.

i don’t you’re being unreasonable. Getting up at that time of night sucks. I’m up with my disabled 18yo until 3 or even 5am several nights a week. That’s exhausting, especially as I’m severely disabled myself. I get why you wouldn’t want to do it. But I really don’t think the other mum is being unreasonable either. 18 is a time when young people are learning how to be an adult, and they’re testing boundaries and learning lessons (often really sh*tty ones, especially for girls).

Why aren’t you mums asking for their dads to get involved?

Bloody hell

Lol. Why would I be angry?

My parents did this for me, the other girls took turns driving but I lived more rurally but couldn’t afford to learn to drive. So my dad used to come out at 2am and pick me up from the friend’s car. I’m so grateful they did because I wouldn’t have had a social life otherwise!

I agree too. There’s plenty of awful things that can happen to them. They’ll have left home soon enough and no longer be their parents’ responsibility. It’s not like this is a forever, endless situation.

It’s not like we’re talking about falling over and getting a scraped knee. I’ve been roofied and raped when i was in my 20s (and my dad picked me up after it happened- thank god). Young girls are at a statistically higher risk than I was, and part of that is their naïveté. They don’t realise the dangers of accepting drinks, or how quickly someone (not even someone they necessarily have even interacted with) can slip something in without them noticing.

I don’t understand why there’s not a strong sense of duty and protection in so many of the comments here. I’m glad I had a dad and a friend’s dad who tried to protect us as young women (girls would probably be more appropriate), and I’m glad that my YA sons know i have their back (unlike my husband whom i left a year ago and won’t even help if they’re hospitalised urgently). I’m no “mummy martyr” or whatever other horrid terms have been thrown around to defend leaving our OS at risk when we could do something to help.

I do not think the OP is being unreasonable, but i don’t think she, or many of the other commenters, are being at all fair in the way they’re viewing the mum who wants to protect the girls. For all you all know, the mum could have first hand experience aka trauma that makes her realise how important it is.

My Daughter would have rather stayed in than have us or anyone else's parents give her a lift home from a club at 18.

18 is a time when young people are learning how to be an adult,

but they're not learning how to be an adult if their parents do everything for them and they never have to sort things out for themselves. Giving lifts, paying for taxis, booking hotel rooms, mums arranging it all for them. When do they actually start behaving like adults and taking responsibility for themselves?

You’ve literally proved my point. Most girls are at risk from people they know.

It is not less safe now. It’s safer. That’s fact. Your perception says otherwise but it’s simply not true.

I can’t tell you how much worse sexual harassment in the work place was just 20 years ago. I have many stories!

We are proposing a group of 18 year old girls pre book a taxi with a firm the family know well. If you think that is risky then your perception of risk is completely off.

We remember that there are taxi drivers who’ve raped and murdered young women and girls, though.Let’s not just crap over the memories of those young women.

When my sister was in her first year in uni, she got in a taxi that turned out not to have a licence and their behaviour was very dangerous and she had to escape. Teach your girls about these issues. Please.

There’s a difference between protecting them whilst they’re within your reach and teaching them about the dangers of the world, including what to look out for re taxis, and saying they have to walk home alone. It’s very bizarre that people are suggesting that if you are honest with your daughters about these dangers then you’re suggesting they walk home drunk. Teach them about the dangers of walking home drunk too. Teach them everything you can.

This thread feels like we’re living in an alternative reality where awful things aren’t done to young women all of the time.

If you can drive, why not do it if it could potentially save your child a lifetime of PTSD? If it’s a toss up between 3 glasses of wine and keeping my young adult kids safe, i know what option I’d choose (as someone with severe PTSD that led to me having to spend time in psych units).

@Banyon

“Do what you like with your kids, I’ll take care of mine, mine are fully on board and when I’m old and frail and need an inconvenient ride to someplace I’ll expect them to do it.“

what if they don’t??

Also are you implying that only parents who ferry their adult offspring all over at all hours can expect any kind of support from them in later life??

You’re talking about the dangers in the club - ‘accepting drinks’ and the interactions in the club. So by your standards the girls shouldn’t go out? There problem solved! I agree the club is more dangerous than the taxi journey home. But what this doesn’t mean is that Mums should be driving around at 3am./.

And yes they will leave home in about 6 months…

I think for me it’s that we can’t live like that forever, at some point we have to learn as women how to manage the risks we’re presented with and live our lives, ideally not in constant fear.

There are things that as an adult I wouldn’t do - walk home after a night out alone, for example. But I also don’t think it reasonable for my mum to beside me to protect me at all times either. We have to take the reins off.

I think that at 18, stepping into the world of nights out and drinking, uni approaching, is the right time to start helping young women take those managed risks. We can’t stay inside and have bodyguards forever.

Nobody is proposing these girls get in an unlicensed cab….

I don't actually remember incidences of girls being murdered while in licence prdbooked taxis actually. Your sister unfortunately got in a random car which is obviously very risky and not the same thing. I don't think teaching children that taxis are unsafe will safe them from a life time of PTSD and they will be more likely to walk home.

Are the people calling a bunch of 18 year old girls actually parents to young people this age? I thought i was very grown up at 18, but i wasn’t and bad things happened. I had not learnt how dangerous the world can be yet. But also, the maturity I thought I possessed at that age (and retroactively realise I didn’t) was of an intellectually blessed but incredibly naive KID. My 18yo is a kid. He’s not an adult man, or a “fully grown adult” (as one user wrote about 18yo girls), he’s at the age where they’re adults with training wheels, learning, often with disastrous result, how to be adults.

This is a good lesson for them - pre book the cab. Pay in advance. Check the license plate..stick together.

Not the same as a lone female getting an unlicensed cab. I’m guessing those that did that didn’t have much street sense? We need to teach girls how to be safe when parents aren’t around to get them at 3am..

Absolutely agree. I was shocked by how many MN’s think at 18 their kids are adult.

Most 18 year olds are away at university, who is picking them up then?! Bonkers attitude.