To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I would pick up my daughter once every 2 months, but everyone would be home by 11. There is no way I could manage 3 in the morning.

Really good life lesson for college to factor the cost of getting home into a night out, if they can afford to go drinking that often they can afford to get home. No way would I pay for their taxi.

The girls can sort it out themselves surely? Clubbing is expensive. They could go less often and pay for a taxi or find some other solution.

How old is your daughter?

Do you all live in the same town? Or would the taxi or the person driving have to drive miles dropping everyone home?

I would deffo be asking the girls their plans long term because I wouldn't want to be doing this either especially if the other 2 parents don't seem to be wanting to be involved would they even be willing to contribute to the taxis? Maybe your daughter needs to be staying local if these 2 other girls parents are radio silence on the matter.

I would probably agree to share the load and do the pick up every other week, but only because I worry about my DD getting home safely and taxis scare me after a friend was attacked by an uber driver many years ago (when uber was still relatively new) and sexually assaulted.

That said, they're adults and so really should factor in getting home themselves into their finances and plans for the night out.

YANBU. If the girls can't afford a taxi each fortnight then maybe their socialising needs to drop to once a month and finding something more local to do the other weekend.

I think it's very unfair to expect someone to go and collect them at 3am and they are lucky that the other mum was willing to do this.

Yes. I would do a pick up until midnight as I'm a bit of a night owl, but not a chance at 3am.

Taxi is completely reasonable at this age. Other mother can continue to martyr herself if that's her preference.

I would if I was available and I don't drink at home anyway, but largely because my parents did crazy things like that and I would see it as paying it forward. I also used to go clubbing and do things to get home (like walk 6 miles through really rough areas in the middle of the night with female friends or get in dodgy unlicensed cabs) , I look back now horrified but we just thought it was part of the fun back then. However I wouldn't expect any of the other parents to do it. I also don't think £15 max for each girl to have a pre booked trusted cab to get home is a lot. If you were willing to give your daughter petrol money could you give her that to put towards the cab?

They don’t go out until 11!

Mine are little so I'm not there yet, but I think, like you, I'd rather pay £15 than be up at 3am.

Absolutely wouldn’t be getting out of bed at 3am to be a taxi service, and also wouldn’t be paying for one.

When I was younger my mum would wave us off, and see us in the morning after we’d made our way home. If there’d been an emergency she’d have turned up but otherwise - if you’re old enough to go out, you’re old enough to get back.

I would do it. But then my dd won’t be able to learn to drive so perhaps I see things differently. I’d go to bed early and get up to collect them. ,

Yanbu. 3am is far far too late for a pick up.

The girls need to book a taxi and all crash at one house each night together. They can make their way to their own homes in the morning. We used to do that all the time. I've told my DC's I'd rather have a couple of teens in the living room overnight than they all split off in separate taxis.

I would do it for my daughter once a month

Is it the cost that's the anxious mum's issue? Or safety? As if it's the latter she's never going to agree to a taxi and going to be stuck doing it

Im assuming that if they're clubbing then these "Girls" are young women of at least 18.

If they can't sort out going clubbing safely and getting home safely, they shouldn't be going.

I would ask my DD what she thinks they should be doing and encourage them to start thinking independently!

That being said I would probably either collect them or pay the taxi when it was “my” turn. I dont blame the other mum for asking for others to take a turn.

A taxi is a very reasonable solution to this. You haven't mentioned what your daughter thinks? I'd reply saying you're happy to book the taxi for them for this weekend and they'll each owe £15. You could offer to cover her daughter's share for this weekend as an extra thank you for her past lifts. Maybe slip in that they're old enough to go clubbing, they're old enough to sort themselves a safe way of getting home that doesn't involve a mum having to get up at stupid o'clock. Do not give in and join the shitty rota. You're right though, she is a hero for doing so many!

I would do this too and think that a rota would be fairer than one Mum doing it every week. I couldn't sleep properly anyway when my DS was 18 and going out clubbing, I'd find I couldn't really settle until I knew he was safely home so was happy to do my turn in pickups. He's in his 20's now and when he comes home for a weekend or visits I don't bat an eyelid what time he comes in but I certainly did when he was 18.
But I can also understand why OP doesn't want to and I agree she shouldn't have to. The girls can definitely sort themselves out with a taxi home.
It's a bit crazy having a parents whatsapp chat to facilitate the social life of a bunch of 18 year olds.

I’d do it for my Dd and her mates. It’s once every two months! You’re hardly giving up every weekend and wine. And if you really don’t want to do it, as you are willing to pay for your DD every time for a taxi, that’s 4 lots of taxi money every two months you would pay for, so say that you will pay the taxi home for all of them when it’s “your” weekend.

They’re old enough to start sorting their transport out as part of their night out - with a safety net.

I’d give them a lift there to be nice but they’re responsible for booking their own taxi home. I would make sure my daughter knew to always phone me if stuck though and would make sure they were safe - perhaps you could take turns as “emergency” pick up if they do get stuck?

Honestly I don't see the issue, if everyone takes a turn it's every 8 weeks !

You've had a name change fail

Sorry missed massive piece of info, all four girls eighteen, they are in second year of A levels