To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I don’t get this as an idea.

My mum would also never have collected me from a night out. But if she had been “that type of parent,” where does it end?

My work functions are often in London (I’m from the NE), is she meant to drive down and take me to the hotel? If I go away for the weekend, does she have to come? When I moved away to uni at 18, should she have joined me?

We have to let kids (adults in the case) take managed risks, because we cannot be around to taxi them around forever.

If 3 adults are old enough to go clubbing in a different city then they are old enough to get themselves home. If they can’t afford the taxi fares then they need to get part time jobs or go out drinking closer to home.

Absolutely ridiculous that there is a group of parents with a WhatsApp group about this. If she was my mum (who suggested the lift rota) I’d by fucking mortified.

I lived out in the sticks in rural Wales. Any night life was a taxi there and a taxi back! I earned money waitressing every saturday and shared taxis. And got my A levels! No way would my super supportive parents be coming to pick me up in the early hours and I wouldnt have wanted them to!
(Couldn't snog boys at the end of the night if my dad might show up!)

YANBU to not commit to this and I think your suggestion of a DBS checked cab is brilliant. You deserve those glasses of chardonnay on a Sat night after a hard working week. That said, I can understand why the mum driver may feel upset that 2 other parents aren't willing to share

Given what you've said about the safety of the taxi service you know and there 3 of them then they should get a taxi.

But I'd also say staying up this late drinking every fortnight when studying for important exams isn't something I'd be encouraging.

Can they cut to once a month & split the taxi cost.

They're (broke!) teenagers, I'm sure.What teenager has that much cash? I certainly didn't.

My friends and I all had part time jobs at the local supermarket. Was great, we'd do a shift early Saturday evening, crowd in someone's house for pre drinks and getting ready, pay for taxis there and back to the nearest town (often got a minibus taxi) and would often be up early the next day for the Sunday shift. Brilliant days, working, partying, and studying with friends.

This is another world to me. The mums of a group of adult women who enjoy clubbing organising their transport home?!

They're old enough to go clubbing so they're old enough to figure out how they're getting home and pay for it too!

I used to go clubbing from age 16 and never once even considered a parent giving us a lift home or paying for our taxi either! The world has gone mad.

Don’t be stupid I am talking about when they are at home!

This is about a parent taking the piss out of another Mum she can book her DD a taxi end of discussion but she wants to keep taking the piss.

My DS’s get taxis and went to Uni just turning 18 they’re perfectly capable of booking Ubers and taxis. However, if they are home with us and taxis are hard to get they know I will pick them up.

Having a right laugh to myself about the idea that my mum would have come out and picked me up (nevermind friends) from clubbing at 3am 🤣

How does your DD think she would get home if this woman didn't give them a lift?
Why aren't these young adult women working it out for themselves?
When i was their age we would share a cab home, probably a comparable amount at today's prices, and drop off in turn.

I was working 20+ hours a week in a restaurant when I was 17 around my A-levels, because I wanted my own money.

If these teens adults are broke then they shouldn’t be going out and relying on parents for lifts home at 3am.

I'd agree a taxi (with parents paying, since they are all still studying A Levels) is a reasonable solution.

However ... is it actually possible to get a taxi reliably at that time of night? it's certainly not round here (there is more demand than supply and a lengthy drive out to next town would not be appealing). So that's something to check out first. My DC do normally get taxis home (or they take it in turns to drive and not drink) but there are some nights they just can't one, and I've stressed to them that I will always be available to pick them up if they need me to, regardless of time.

At their age we took it in turns to drive? Are there no drivers amongst them? If not we paid for our own taxis out of Saturday job money.
We would have been mortified to have been picked up by a parent, although it’s very kind of the other mum to do so, I can see why she’s annoyed nobody else offers.

Yes I think that this is the other Mum’s point, that if we all do the rota it’s only one every two months. But I have a sense that it reality it would only be me and her doing it, so once a month. Im
equally happy to pay for the taxi on my turn, but as the response to the taxi suggestion was that she will pick up tonight, I don’t think she is up for that idea.

I would do it because I wouldn't be able to sleep until DD got home so I'd be awake anyway. And at least I'd know DD would definitely be coming home safely.

If it's only twice a month, you only need to drive one night a month and the other Mum one night a month. If they are in their second year of A-levels I'm guessing this will end in September when they all go off to university and their separate ways or even before if one of them gets a boyfriend or they get bored of the club.

The only other option is the taxi, if they know the driver and the car registration and the driver knows them it shouldn't be a problem.

I had similar with my daughters. We lived 5 minutes from a well used tube line with a well lit station. I was confident in their ability to travel safely (having done similar myself in much dodgier areas in years past) so I left them to it. Their (much more sheltered) friends’ mothers felt differently and would frequently insist on giving them a lift home. I didn’t reciprocate as I felt they were unnecessarily cautious and their lack of confidence should not become my problem.

My daughters knew I would (and did) always collect them if they were worried about anything but for routine trips TfL worked fine.

Personally I think asking my mum to collect her grown up children from a night out, would have been stupid.

She worked all week, like most people, why on earth would I have gotten her out of bed for my social life.

I definitely wouldn’t do it for my kids either. You want to go out, have fun, but you make your own way back (unless there’s an emergency).

YANBU but...

I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

I'm not surprised the other two didn't offer anything.

Why on earth were you doing exactly what your DD should've done instead??

Hmmmmm whilst I agree with the 'old enough to go clubbing/old enough to sort transport home' view to a degree, it would (for me) depend how close the girls live to each other, If one of them is going to be left alone in the taxi for another 15 mins once the first two have been dropped off, that's not ideal (although i'm thinking more about Ubers than pre-booked local taxi tbf). I would encourage a sleep-over at one house if using the taxi scenario so it's all in and all out at the same point.

DD is 19 - so plenty old enough to club and sort herself getting home (which she does), but she has a best friend on same street and a BF who brings her home. IF she didn't, I might occasionally put a shift in and collect. I've certainly done a 3am Reading Festival pick up for both DC in the past and the odd 3am party, rather than leave it to chance.

My god, I wouldn’t have dared ask my parents for a lift home from clubbing when I was 18.
I think, as pp said, I’d offer a lift up until midnight as I’m a night owl too but absolutely not a chance at 3am.
Could you and the other Mum make a plan with the girls that one of the nights, either of the Mums picks up, and the other night, the girls organise themselves a taxi (and pay themselves). Then you’d be doing 1 lift every 2 months. I’d be able to agree to that.

If it is their choice to socialise in the other town then it's down to them to pay for transport. Perhaps they can arrange a minibus with other people? They probably aren't the only ones making the journey?

I'm in my 50s, and the thought of having my mother coming to pick me up from a nightclub at the age of 18 at 3am is so unimaginable.

I have young adult DCs myself, and I genuinely cannot imagine being part of a mums' WhatsApp group to arrange transportation home from a nightclub. And I don't know any of my peers would go for this either?
It's so bizarre to me that mums would put together a pick-up rota, like it's collecting a group of 8 year olds from dance class, or Brownies.

I've said to all my DCs, if there is ever an emergency, or an unexpected/dangerous situation, they mustn't ever hesitate to call me, no matter what time of night. I'll either pay for a taxi for them and their friends to come here, or I'll go and collect them myself.
But, that's a different ballgame to offering myself up to be option number one.

As I said my parents never gave us lifts or offered that is why I always made it clear my children could ask me. I am happy with my choice stupid or not. They are 18 living in big cities now getting Ubers and taxis no problem.

OP should stop allowing her DD to take the piss out of her friend and the other Mum.

Not just you! I'd have died! WTF like?

I'd just get on and do it. Not ideal. But once a month or less isn't that bad. Especially since the other mum has done it. I'd take our turn monthly and rotate with dad so it's every other month I'm getting up at 3.
Won't last forever... just grin and bear it.