To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I don’t think people are saying the girls are adults (well ok a few are) but mostly the point being made is that bad things can happen on the way there, in the club, at their friends’ houses etc etc. A taxi home has some risk but is definitely not the only risk out there. So if they are old enough to take the other risks then why not that one too.

It is a bit illogical of the mum to be ok with her DD going clubbing till 3am but not ok with her getting a shared, pre booked taxi home.

No but people are suggesting the dads of the girls do lifts which is probably actually more risky

I experienced more creepy behaviour from dads of friends at that age than licensed taxi drivers..

Really what we need is to send them all to a nunnery

Well my precious 18 year old heading is off backpacking with female friend soon to not the safest countries in the world. The mummy pick up brigade would probably combust!! What can I do to protect from 4000 miles away!

I agree. And also getting a lift home an exhausted Mum. I’m sure I wouldn’t be safe in the road at that time.

Is this a joke? These are adults. Let them sort out their own lives. As if I'd be running adults home from night clubs at 3am ever. If they can't afford a taxi get a better job and until then, don't go.

We remember that there are taxi drivers who’ve raped and murdered young women and girls, though.Let’s not just crap over the memories of those young women.

When my sister was in her first year in uni, she got in a taxi that turned out not to have a licence and their behaviour was very dangerous and she had to escape. Teach your girls about these issues. Please.

There’s a difference between protecting them whilst they’re within your reach and teaching them about the dangers of the world, including what to look out for re taxis, and saying they have to walk home alone. It’s very bizarre that people are suggesting that if you are honest with your daughters about these dangers then you’re suggesting they walk home drunk. Teach them about the dangers of walking home drunk too. Teach them everything you can.

This thread feels like we’re living in an alternative reality where awful things aren’t done to young women all of the time.

If you can drive, why not do it if it could potentially save your child a lifetime of PTSD? If it’s a toss up between 3 glasses of wine and keeping my young adult kids safe, i know what option I’d choose (as someone with severe PTSD that led to me having to spend time in psych units).

The reality for me is I know of many, many more people who have been killed and injured as a result of being in a car accident while they were 'safe' with family and friends than I do who have had horrible experiences from strangers either in a taxi or walking home.

It sounds like you are still incredibly naive. Are you planning to chaperone them in the club? Growl at any male that approaches them? Don't attack then though or you risk getting arrested and then who will be there to guard your DD? Will there be a cut off when you decide your DD is on her own now? At that point will you teach her how to be streetwise or just hope for the best? Or do you expect your DD to allow you to chaperone her in her 40s? After all 40YO women often her raped and murdered. And the most likely person to do that is a partner so how will you keep her safe from a partner?

in our case me and my ex husband took turns with other parents for dropping off and picking up depending on the club but often they take a uber

No but they do stop being children. There's a cut off point for a reason. Stop infantalising grown adults. This is why we have to put up with so many morons these days.

I think a taxi is a reasonable suggestion if all girls can afford it and you trust that they won’t do something silly like try and get a lift with someone that may have been drinking etc to avoid the taxi cost.

Yes they are adults and need to start taking responsibility but I think easing them in into adulthood is the safer option as at 18 we all would have made a silly choice or two!

If you shared the driving with this mum it would only be 1 Saturday a month which to me would be a small price to pay to ensure my daughter’s safety. (If you can get the other mums on board it would be even less!)

You are full of assumptions today … & appreciating you drawing in domestic violence … and all of your own triggers.

You forgot to add that streetwise people can be victims too

Yes no wonder with people like you that go online describing young people as morons. 18 is very young still, remember age for ‘key of the door’ used to be 21! Most young people I know are perfectly nice and come from good families that want to protect them rather than shove them out the door at 18

I think what surprises me is that the protective posters are apparently fine with clubbing till 3am, heavy drinking etc, no need to protect them from any of the risks there but the journey home, no a licenced known taxi driver is too much of a risk

I have to say I would actually be quite uncomfortable with a just turned 18 year old doing the clubbing so late - can't really stop them at that age but I absolutely wouldn't be incentivising it with door to door transport

Your 18 year old is not a kid. He is an adult.

learning how to pre book taxis so you’re getting into a car home that is tracked and paid for is far more helpful to a young person than molly coddling them and picking them up every night. Once these 18 year olds go to uni, mummy isn’t going to drive across the country to collect them is she. So they need to learn how to get home safely.

Your version of responsible parenting is refusing to give your daughter age appropriate responsibility or teaching her life lessons that could keep her safe. You are doing her a massive disservice. I appreciate that anyone can be a victim, but knowledge is power in these situations.

What will happen when these girls go off to live away at uni?

That's not possible as they are all ankle tagged for safety

Or like many of my 18 year old's friends - gone inter-railing, or taken gap years on the other side of the world. Heaven forbid!

I’m guessing most student accommodation tends to be near bars, not in small towns with one pub.

I took my mum with me when I went to uni.

I can't believe all the people picking their teenagers up at 3am! I would never have DARED ask to be picked up then.
Get them in a taxi, OP. If they're old enough to go out clubbing they're old enough to get a taxi back. The fact you're considering paying for it is crazy enough as it is

Your mum came to university with you?!
What, to do a course herself or to babysit and keep an eye on you?!

I had two bodyguards and my mum. And my ankle tag.

Nothing was too much for my welfare

And a big scary dog too I hope.