To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

If they are old enough to go clubbing until 3am then they are old enough to plan transportation back home.

To those saying you'd take a turn at pick up.... what age do you stop?

Fuck no.

Old enough to go clubbing is old enough to factor in the costs of transport. No one owes them a night out!

YANBU, less than £15 each in a taxi, they can do that. Either that or the girls take turns to be designated driver. That's what we did back in the day.

YANBU, and the other mum got herself into this situation without checking first if it would be shared.

But saying that, she has brought your daughter home in the middle of the night multiple times. How about doing it this once as a goodwill gesture? With the caveat you won’t be doing it again but very happy to contribute to a shared cab as previously suggested (aka the other solution she’s looking for!).

(Also I know you got her the voucher which is really nice too, just might be worth doing the pick up once?).

So I think either approach is fine - if they have pre booked taxis organised or if as parents you do it essentially once every two months. I would say as a uni student, my parents and friend’s parents did this and I so appreciated it then and now. I think it was a significant safety factor for us and I’ll probably do it for my kids. One night every 8 weeks is really nothing - I wouldn’t want to do it on weekly basis though!

Nope. Get a cab or stay in a hotel. They are adults.

These are adults not children.

Old enough to go out on the lash, old enough to pay for and organise your way home

A non issue.

I lived similarly rurally as a teen. We used to get a lift if it was before midnight, but afterwards got a taxi. It's really not that expensive compared with the price of a night clubbing! Definitely get them to pre-book it for safety.

The other mum was daft to do it for so long tbh.

Agree with the whole pre book taxi thing . Old enough to club, old enough to sort out logistics etc.
The whole 'adult responsibility thing they want works both ways !

I have said similar to DS (17) I have done the odd pick up (1 am absolute latest but I resent doing more than my share when others won't! - including my ex)
I have also been the ' mug' who has hosted gatherings (at least 3 ) when his friends won't!
Did the same for DD (2 years older)
3 am is ridicukously late - could you reign in the time as a compromise . 1?

They are 18 year old women going to nightclubs, but this sounds like mums sorting out a rota for nursery school drop offs.

If they're old enough to go clubbing (an optional recreational activity) they're old enough to sort a taxi for themselves. £15 each isn't too bad, they're probably spending more than that on alcohol and club entrance.

YANBU. Ffs what is happening where a bunch of adult women are not deemed capable of getting home themselves on a night out. No way would I have expected anyone to give me a lift at that time of the morning at that age. They can get a taxi.

I’d rather pay for the taxi and I think the risk of a pre-booked cab is minimal. You don’t need to personally fyi if they are old enough to go clubbing imo.

They need to do what we used to do when I was younger and find a bigger group of people to go out with and split the taxi. Sounds a bit intense clubbing as a 2, they must have other friends to go with?

@ChocHotolate has it right in one. If they’re old enough to go clubbing then….

plus that’s completely spoiling them.

Yanbu!!

Oh sorry there's 4 of them, so that's £15 each? That's what they do then, that's a perfectly reasonable amount, if they can't afford it, they go clubbing once a month.

I’d do it for mine - or say that when I’m on the rota I’ll pay for girls to get a pre booked taxi.

we used to get illegal taxis back from clubs in London when we were teens because they were cheap. I wouldn’t want my DC doing that.

I said I’d do the pickup rota.

No stopping age. I’d pick up my nearly 50yo husband if he was out.

My mum once picked me up from a night out when I was about 35.

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t pick a bunch of 18yos up once every couple of months.

I’d counter with: even in a taxi, the last girl ends up on her own. With a random man, in a car, in the middle of the night. No fucking thanks. I have a uni and a sixth form. I would pick either of them up.

They're a 4 not a 2.

1 mum who drives to pick them up at 3am (hopefully not sleep deprived)
1 mum who wants them to arrange a taxi
1 mum who has a disabled dh
1 mum who hasn't engaged with the group chat

Absolutely this!

£15 each to get home is nothing. Let them get a taxi! Just make sure it’s pre booked just to be on the safe side. They probably wouldn’t think twice about paying £15 for a bottle of wine on a night out

It is absolutely embarrassing that these girls need their Mum's to message each other and arrange their transport.

They aren't 8, they are 18, let them behave like the young adults they are.

Lame that they can't organise themselves home from a night out at 18. I'm with the others who say old enough to go clubbing, old enough to sort a taxi.

I’m not Op. was just saying as mum of a dc who is 18 they don’t go out until 11 ish in my experience so an 11pm pick up wouldn’t work.
I used to just set my alarm and go in pjs. It was only occasionally and personally as dc was in school I was happy to do it. It was only ever going to be for a few months between turning 18 and going to uni. Her friends were also very welcome to sleep over. They’d get public transport if doable after concerts etc.