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Original poster

Gutted to find out….I am the other woman

202 replies

MollieFrank · 25/01/2025 19:17

Long story short…
I got divorced a year ago, I bought a second hand new build. It actually needed a surprising amount of work doing to it so I asked for recommendations on Facebook and my friend recommend a guy.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday. This has been going on for a few months, I have to say I think I have been genuinely falling for him. He does not wear a wedding ring and I never asked if he was married because perhaps naively I just trusted that someone who was dating me wouldn’t be married!!!!!

happened to be talking to the lady that recommend him to me, and she asked me how the work was and said she knew his wife!!!!!! I never mentioned to her we had started seeing eachother because I thought it was a bit soon. I then messaged him this morning and said “are you married?” And he said “yes, but I don’t love her”

I am absolutely completely devastated, I’ve never wanted to be the other woman but I genuinely had no idea. So now I feel like a marriage wrecker but also I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.

where do I go from here!?

OP posts:
JHound · 27/01/2025 11:39

Bogginsthe3rd · 25/01/2025 19:42

Did you not consult check a trade before you employed him ?

What does that have to do with him cheating on his wife?

JHound · 27/01/2025 11:41

Sassybooklover · 26/01/2025 18:58

Always ask if a man is married. Not all married men have a wedding ring. My husband didn't want one, he won't wear jewellery, other than a watch. Neither does my Dad wear a wedding ring, and he's been happily married to my Mum for 56 years! The lack of a ring, means nothing. I can understand you feeling so upset, you've been played and yes if a man was flirting, you'd think he was single. Unfortunately, you are probably another woman, in a very long list - this won't be the first time he's behaved in this manner. His only saving grace (if you can call it that!) is he did admit to the truth, when he was confronted. Hopefully he's completed any work in your home? You need to end the relationship immediately.

It’s really diabolical in this day and age you need to ask somebody “so are you cheating on your spouse” and cannot just assume the person you are dating is actually available to date!

Lettucepray1 · 27/01/2025 11:44

Has he finished the work on your house though?!

eta: sorry, that was glib. You know you have to finish with him though, don’t you OP? You dodged a bullet. You wouldn’t want to be with a liar anyway x

JHound · 27/01/2025 11:45

valentinka31 · 26/01/2025 00:54

I personally would want more of an explanation. I wouldn't just 'dump' him after these months. I'd want to meet him and hear what the heck this all was.

That gives him the opportunity to lie and manipulate her into being his sidechick.

Starlight1984 · 27/01/2025 11:55

BlondeMamaToBe · 25/01/2025 19:23

It’s a bit naive to think shagging a builder who does work on your house is anything more than a bad idea. I’m certain these men go from house to house doing the same thing.

End it and invest in men that date you properly.

What?!?!?! 😂

laveritable · 27/01/2025 11:56

I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.
It was never a "relationship" dump him!

Starlight1984 · 27/01/2025 11:56

BlondeMamaToBe · 25/01/2025 19:23

It’s a bit naive to think shagging a builder who does work on your house is anything more than a bad idea. I’m certain these men go from house to house doing the same thing.

End it and invest in men that date you properly.

I’m certain these men go from house to house doing the same thing.

No wonder it takes them so long to finish a job!!!

On a serious note, what a load of rubbish.

CyanSeal · 27/01/2025 12:10

Bogginsthe3rd · 25/01/2025 19:42

Did you not consult check a trade before you employed him ?

Wtf? Check a trade! 😂 funnily enough I don’t think adultery gets recorded on there 🤦‍♀️

OP - find out about the wife, what she likes to do etc and then message him saying “what a coincidence - turns out I go to gym/park run etc with your wife! She’s lovely ☺️”

then sit back and laugh as he shits himself into next week

eastegg · 27/01/2025 13:27

Sorry OP I agree with those saying you should have done more ‘due diligence’. I could forgive a one-off encounter when you didn’t find out until afterwards, maybe, but to be carrying it on for ‘a few months’ without speaking to your friend about him?

And while I understand not all tradesmen are cheaters, it is the perfect opportunity to cheat and that would definitely make me extra wary in your shoes. It’s not like a situation where you would think ‘well he wouldn’t be here if he weren’t single’.

So yeah, sorry you’re feeling shit but you’ve partly brought it on yourself.

By the way, where have you gone?

Maybe catching up on all that WFH you were supposed to be doing 😉

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 13:31

laveritable · 27/01/2025 11:56

I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.
It was never a "relationship" dump him!

Well it wasn't much of a relationship if it had been going on for months and you hadn't even asked him if he'd ever been married. You don't say you asked him about his relationship status and he lied. That would be different. You actually say you never asked him. Which frankly I find both weird and unbelievable.

CandidRaven · 27/01/2025 13:44

I think you know the answer, end it now and block him, it's not worth the upset it will cause to all involved

2JFDIYOLO · 27/01/2025 14:14

You've been naive. Builders walk into women's homes then their beds with ease. You are not the first or the last.

You haven't been the bad guy, though. That's on him.

Personally I'd tell her what she's married to because she deserves to live a life of loving fidelity and honesty.

I do not believe blissful ignorance is the way to live - tho I know many don't agree here. Your choice.

Then I'd hit block and delete everything ... then move on, a little bit older and a whole lot wiser.

Because if you don't, if you lavish/waste one more second of your attention on him - then you WILL become one of the bad guys.

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 14:15

MollieFrank · 25/01/2025 19:17

Long story short…
I got divorced a year ago, I bought a second hand new build. It actually needed a surprising amount of work doing to it so I asked for recommendations on Facebook and my friend recommend a guy.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday. This has been going on for a few months, I have to say I think I have been genuinely falling for him. He does not wear a wedding ring and I never asked if he was married because perhaps naively I just trusted that someone who was dating me wouldn’t be married!!!!!

happened to be talking to the lady that recommend him to me, and she asked me how the work was and said she knew his wife!!!!!! I never mentioned to her we had started seeing eachother because I thought it was a bit soon. I then messaged him this morning and said “are you married?” And he said “yes, but I don’t love her”

I am absolutely completely devastated, I’ve never wanted to be the other woman but I genuinely had no idea. So now I feel like a marriage wrecker but also I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.

where do I go from here!?

You instantly dump him, never speak to or message him again, or you accept that you are a piece of shit who is dating a piece of shit.

BoringTina · 27/01/2025 14:55

2JFDIYOLO · 27/01/2025 14:14

You've been naive. Builders walk into women's homes then their beds with ease. You are not the first or the last.

You haven't been the bad guy, though. That's on him.

Personally I'd tell her what she's married to because she deserves to live a life of loving fidelity and honesty.

I do not believe blissful ignorance is the way to live - tho I know many don't agree here. Your choice.

Then I'd hit block and delete everything ... then move on, a little bit older and a whole lot wiser.

Because if you don't, if you lavish/waste one more second of your attention on him - then you WILL become one of the bad guys.

Edited

She's not going to do that, tell the wife, because then questions would arise to how much she was willing to ignor in this situation.

So what will you do op ?

His final words were "yes I'm married but I don't love her"

Exactly what you wanted to hear.

Do you believe he loves you ? or do you think this is carte blanch to continue an affair, guilt free ?
You will have competition though, every new job for him will throw up a new conquest and you will be left with a diminishing timetable, his wife, his children, work and new women, it's going to get hard to remain feeling special.
You could always get him back for work, small jobs arn't going to cut it though, maybe best if you move again to another fixer upper.
This relationship is going to cost you if you want it to continue.

Personally I'd find someone new and put it down to experience.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 27/01/2025 16:05

So what will you do op ?

I doubt we will ever find out. Because, as is the way with so many of these stories that are full of holes or somehow don't quite make sense, it was started by a 'first time poster' and consists of the opening post alone, with no follow up. Meanwhile, 8 pages later, here we all are....

SwordOfOmens · 27/01/2025 16:12

Tell him you know who his wife is. Then block the bastard and let him stew in fear. POS

LinnettdeBelleforte · 27/01/2025 17:00

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 11:25

@MollieFrank are you coming back to your thread?

I don't blame her for not doing so after all the ridiculous victim blaming that has been going on.

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 17:09

LinnettdeBelleforte · 27/01/2025 17:00

I don't blame her for not doing so after all the ridiculous victim blaming that has been going on.

Show quote history

86% people are on her side. It would be nice (not essential) if OPs responded.

LinnettdeBelleforte · 27/01/2025 17:25

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 17:09

86% people are on her side. It would be nice (not essential) if OPs responded.

Show quote history

I'm not talking about the vote, I'm talking about the comments. @Bogginsthe3rd's and @BoringTina's absurd suggestions that the OP should have checked as if there was some kind of database for sexually incontinent builders. Ridiculous.

EmeraldsandRubies · 27/01/2025 17:35

He sounds like a player.

You don't.

Move on and be more wary next time.

Integrity, fidelity and honesty are so critical to forming trusting relationships.

Original poster
MollieFrank · 27/01/2025 17:58

Sorry for the lack of response, I’ve been in a bad state mentally and wasn’t expecting this thread to blow up how it did.

Thank you for all the responses and the constructive criticism.

To answer some questions we did chat about past relationships. He has two children from a previous relationship (18yo and 20yo) and never ever ever mentioned being married. Past relationships came up but never did I think I would need to ask if he was currently married and quite frankly if I had asked I don’t think he would have told me!

People are asking how he stayed at mine when he’s married, he does work away a lot or at least that’s what he told me so I assume he maybe told his wife he was working away!? But I don’t know for sure.

yes he has finished the work on my house, he was due to do some more in the summer ( a patio) but I’ve said I don’t want it done by him.
And yes I paid straight away. So I don’t owe him any money.

those judging the start of our “relationship” we didn’t just start shagging while he was at my house working, we got to know eachother in that time (or so I thought) and the shagging came after a first date so it wasn’t be taking advantage of him as some have said, it was just an unconventional way of getting to know someone.

my friend that introduced me I don’t actually see or talk to regularly. The day she mentioned in passing about him being married was the first time I had seen her in 6 months!! And although we text I hadn’t mentioned the building work and she hadn’t asked!

I have blocked him on WhatsApp. He doesn’t have any socials, maybe that should have been a warning sign I don’t know! He has tried to call me a lot but I haven’t responded!
Hope that answers some questions I’m still not sure what to do about whether to tell his wife or not!

OP posts:
Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 18:03

I’m glad you’ve blocked him, OP. He’s probably calling to try and reel you in or give you a sob story so you don’t tell his wife. Notice he didn’t even say he was separated, he just said he doesn’t love her, so he will continue to stay married and keep cheating on her.

You did nothing wrong.

JustMyView13 · 27/01/2025 18:10

@MollieFrank Telling her would hurt her, but it won’t heal you.
Then he will tell her you are a crazy client who is obsessed with him, and nothing ever happened. Then you will either disappear/ retreat, or defend yourself (fair enough) - but in defending yourself you risk playing right into his hands in painting you as crazy. He knows what happened, so he can preempt what you’ll say and spin it. And in the end, she’ll probably stand by him.

For your own peace I’d live and learn. If she ever approached you, by all means I’d be honest. But I would focus on your own healing - the only thing that’s gonna make this all worse for you is a whole host of drama which you can slip away without.

Absolutely zero judgement from me whatever you chose. And I can totally see how he’s managed to orchestrate what felt like an organic relationship.

Someone else did say they would tell him you plan to tell his wife. I do quite like this idea, purely so he lives on edge for a bit. But oddly I’d only tell him I was going to speak to his wife, if I had no plans to. And vice versa, I wouldn’t tell him I was going to, if I did.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 27/01/2025 19:03

MollieFrank · 27/01/2025 17:58

Sorry for the lack of response, I’ve been in a bad state mentally and wasn’t expecting this thread to blow up how it did.

Thank you for all the responses and the constructive criticism.

To answer some questions we did chat about past relationships. He has two children from a previous relationship (18yo and 20yo) and never ever ever mentioned being married. Past relationships came up but never did I think I would need to ask if he was currently married and quite frankly if I had asked I don’t think he would have told me!

People are asking how he stayed at mine when he’s married, he does work away a lot or at least that’s what he told me so I assume he maybe told his wife he was working away!? But I don’t know for sure.

yes he has finished the work on my house, he was due to do some more in the summer ( a patio) but I’ve said I don’t want it done by him.
And yes I paid straight away. So I don’t owe him any money.

those judging the start of our “relationship” we didn’t just start shagging while he was at my house working, we got to know eachother in that time (or so I thought) and the shagging came after a first date so it wasn’t be taking advantage of him as some have said, it was just an unconventional way of getting to know someone.

my friend that introduced me I don’t actually see or talk to regularly. The day she mentioned in passing about him being married was the first time I had seen her in 6 months!! And although we text I hadn’t mentioned the building work and she hadn’t asked!

I have blocked him on WhatsApp. He doesn’t have any socials, maybe that should have been a warning sign I don’t know! He has tried to call me a lot but I haven’t responded!
Hope that answers some questions I’m still not sure what to do about whether to tell his wife or not!

Well done OP, you are not the villain here.
There are some vile people on MN, I’ve been on the receiving end myself and was so upset that I left and recreated a new user name etc.
I would suggest you don’t tell his wife, people invariably shoot the messenger and you’ve been hurt enough.
I wish you well going forward.

EmeraldA129 · 28/01/2025 14:14

Sorry op, for the loss you are feeling - but dump him & move on. I've been in a similar situation, you aren't actually losing anything in the long run unless you envision a future with a liar instead of the person you thought you had gotten to know. Check out lalalaletmeexplain's audiobook (and her insta). She'll help you see how horrid he is & help you block, delete & move on.