Gutted to find out….I am the other woman

[MollieFrank]

Long story short…
I got divorced a year ago, I bought a second hand new build. It actually needed a surprising amount of work doing to it so I asked for recommendations on Facebook and my friend recommend a guy.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday. This has been going on for a few months, I have to say I think I have been genuinely falling for him. He does not wear a wedding ring and I never asked if he was married because perhaps naively I just trusted that someone who was dating me wouldn’t be married!!!!!

happened to be talking to the lady that recommend him to me, and she asked me how the work was and said she knew his wife!!!!!! I never mentioned to her we had started seeing eachother because I thought it was a bit soon. I then messaged him this morning and said “are you married?” And he said “yes, but I don’t love her”

I am absolutely completely devastated, I’ve never wanted to be the other woman but I genuinely had no idea. So now I feel like a marriage wrecker but also I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.

where do I go from here!?

Adding that I'm sorry this happened OP. If I were the wife I would want to know.

Run a mile. If he can cheat and deceive once he can do it again.

So sorry OP. Tell him what a shit thing he has done to you and his wife then block him. It’s not your fault.

Well, that absolutely sucks for you, I’m sorry.

But how is it a question? You dump and block this absolutely grim chancer.

And...... Block

Just block him everywhere.

You had a lucky escape it didn't lady any longer.

Don't let this put you off dating.

It was unwise to have an affair with somebody who works in your house. Were you actually dating. You do sound a little bit naive if you didn't even suspect anything,

It’s a fucked up world where the onus is on the non-cheater to enquire about marital status rather than for the cheater to say he’s married.

This. My friends husband was a landscape gardener. Turned out he was shagging half the town.

I am staggered that you managed to spend so much time with him, first with him being in your house all day for long periods of time, presumably chatting over cups of tea while he went about his work and then you went on actual dates and he spent the night several times and his relationship status never once came up in conversation. I mean didn't you just ask him straight whether he'd ever been married? Had a long term relationship? Had children? I find that absolutely bizarre. Surely on a first or second date these are the very first things you find out about someone, assuming you are both over 30?

Anyway, as for where you go from here, obviously you just tell him you won't be seeing him again and then you block his number.

I'd hazard a guess that his wife is unaware that he "doesn't" love her.

This is what they do and what they say. All for the thrill of a different woman to have sex with.

Sorry this happened to you OP. They are shits.

I was one of many “other women”. It’s traumatic I’m still not over it

These married men are just so nasty and disloyal. You need a full background check now before dating anyone, as they're all so busy everywhere cheating everyone ☹️.

When did you have to start asking someone you're getting into a relationship with, if they're married? I'm so sorry, OP.

Asking a man if he's married isn't necessarily going to yield an honest answer, particularly if he's a serial cheater.

Was thinking the same, must watch my husband who happens to be a builder more closely!! Think that mainly happens in x-rated videos😊

Carry on shagging him until the work is completed to your satisfaction and then dump him.

@MollieFrank just remember, what goes around comes around!!

It's not about checking that he's not married before you progress things. If someone asks you to go for a drink you shouldn't have to say 'Hang on, can you just clarify that you are not married first.' Although it might not be a bad idea.

But surely after lots of long chats where presumably it came up in conversation that the OP was quite newly divorced, which progressed to flirting, then some dates, then letting him stay the night, was there no natural curiosity on the part of the OP to ask about his relationship history? You don't have to give a new bloke the Spanish Inquisition over it, but none of that stuff coming up in conversation AT ALL is just not normal.

You pick yourself up, and learn not to be inappropriately friendly (or have sex) with people who are working for you. It's a professional relationship - or should be. If he's a capable builder then you have really fucked up, because skilled tradesmen are like gold dust, and that was the important connection to treasure.

You end the relationship, I am afraid. He won't leave his wife for you and the path of the OW is miserable.
Pick yourself up and go to places where you can meet people on a friendly basis and learn about them before starting a relationship - hobby classes, singles holidays etc. Be happy. Everyone has false starts.

People who are married do date after splits while waiting for divorce finalization etc... but if he where separated he would mention it to you himself, most likely before dating. The fact he didn't and you found out from someone else means he is not separated and does not plan to divorce he just got caught out.

He’s probably done it many times. Get the hell away as fast as you can and be thankful you found out sooner rather than later.

Hand Hold OP.

It’s a shit situation to find that out. Feel all the painful feelings of loss, big tub of ice cream, Bridget Jones or whatever works for you. Buy yourself some flowers. Get it out and then decide what you are going to do.

Men that ‘date you properly’ can lie too.

I thinks it’s a bit unnecessary to make the OP feel even worse when she entered into this in good faith having been given no reason to think the guy was married.

If you date someone you are single, thats the general default.

If its part of an open relationship or thrupple or something bigger etc... that would be discussed before hand so consent could be achieved from everyone involved.

Are you advocating that consent doesn't matter?

Saying/not saying something doesn't matter, this feels like the same argument used by scummy defense lawyers when the say 'but did the victim actually say the word no'.