Gutted to find out….I am the other woman

[MollieFrank]

Long story short…
I got divorced a year ago, I bought a second hand new build. It actually needed a surprising amount of work doing to it so I asked for recommendations on Facebook and my friend recommend a guy.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday. This has been going on for a few months, I have to say I think I have been genuinely falling for him. He does not wear a wedding ring and I never asked if he was married because perhaps naively I just trusted that someone who was dating me wouldn’t be married!!!!!

happened to be talking to the lady that recommend him to me, and she asked me how the work was and said she knew his wife!!!!!! I never mentioned to her we had started seeing eachother because I thought it was a bit soon. I then messaged him this morning and said “are you married?” And he said “yes, but I don’t love her”

I am absolutely completely devastated, I’ve never wanted to be the other woman but I genuinely had no idea. So now I feel like a marriage wrecker but also I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.

where do I go from here!?

Traders pay to advertise, & CAT do not check marital status.

Since when did Checkatrade identify which builders are cheats?

You:

1. dump him
2. block him
3. get an STI test

Blokes like this, you’re unlikely to be the only woman/client he’s been shagging on the side.

Why do you need to ask strangers on MNet. Surely you know where you need to go from here?

End it.
Block him.
Never speak to him or see him again.
Get tested for STIs?
Don't kid yourself he's only cheating with you or has only cheated with you.

Has he finished the house jobs? Don’t pay him and say you will tell his wife if he asks for money. Consider this your compensation.

You aren’t a home wrecker - he is. If you end it the second you found out about his wife then you didn’t do anything wrong. It sucks and he’s a scumbag but unfortunately you need to end it and move on.

Im the first in line to think the other women is the vilest of a human but only if they choose to do this when they know the man has a partner.

Get yourself down to the clinic for some tests.

Argh no …. Get out of this situation.

I have been the OW, no matter what he says about it being a bad marriage etc he’s probably lying.

Take it from someone who’s been there…. if you stay in this it will be a never ending shit show of lies and he will most likely cheat on you too.

I am sorry though, I appreciate you love him and this hurts xx

Google your potential dates. You have to screen them nowadays.

I'm so sorry, that's awful.
I'd be gutted if my husband done to me.

True. My husband has had his squished to his finger on more that one occasion.
So he doesn't wear it now.

You text him that he's a piece of shit and block him.

Edited to add : he is an absolute dickhead and I would be so so upset too. What a welcome back into the world of dating!

Where do you go from here…. You become the type of woman who looks out for other women and calls men out; the type of woman who considers the feelings of other women rather than prioritising her own needs; the type of woman who refuses to have an affair with a married man even when she has feelings for him; the type of woman who is wise enough to know that continuing will cause heartache to you as well as to his wife; the type of woman who you would admire and respect.

I say that like it’s easy! And it’s not of course, because you feel connected to him; because you are attracted to him and because he is trying to keep you interested.

I’m ashamed to say that many years ago in my early 20s I was naively the other woman. I feel ashamed to this day and I am waiting for karma to play out. My mum gave me a talking to and I pulled away, thank goodness! You can do it and there are men for you to meet who will be as decent as you will be if you end this now. Good luck

I have been in an eerily similar situation; you have my sympathy it’s really shit especially when you have that raw connection and they’ve just ignored huge aspects of their life, lying through omission and playing that fantasy 😞 I hope you’re ok.

Oh that is so awful. 😞
what a horrible, dishonorable person he is. I’m so sorry, OP.

I wonder if he assumed you knew he was married as the person who recommended him clearly does - not that it’s an excuse!

In my early twenties, my best mate and I went out one night with two of her male colleagues. She told me that X was single, but Y was married. X and I exchanged numbers at the end of the night and things seemed to being going well after a few dates.

I tell my friend all the gossip and she tells me ‘I didn’t have you down as someone who would date married men’. Say what?? Turns out she had mixed up their names/relationship status. X was the fucking married one and when I confronted him, he said ‘well I assumed your best mate would have told you I was married so I thought you were cool with it.

You know what to do with this cheating weasel. Get rid asap. I'm sorry that you are in this situation but he has shown you who he is and it's not good.

Well, he didn't lie (to you) in that he didn't deny being married and he clearly doesn't love his wife. But he is a cheat and that would be a no for most women with self-respect.

I don't know what answers you're hoping to get to "where do I go from here!?" No one is going to tell you "Go for it, hun! You aren't married." Actually, there probably will be some who will say that because it will make them feel better about their own behaviour as cheats or with married men. It's your choice though. You're the one who will have to live with your decision.

Agreed

You had a whirlwind romance with a tradesman who lovebombed tf out of you with attention and has a wife, because they almost always do. And you never thought to enquire? I’m sorry for being mean but you paid a cheat for a job and he got sex out of the deal.

This is why I stay on mumsnet

Lesson learned move on. Tell him and gis wife. It is unfair to let her keep living this lie.
You loose them how you get em they say.

They make good silicone ones now.

You are not a marriage wrecker, he is. I'm sorry 💐

Don't do this. It's illegal and you aren't a prostitute!

What do you mean this is why you stay on mumsnet? Genuine question - I don’t quite get your point here