Gutted to find out….I am the other woman

[MollieFrank]

Long story short…
I got divorced a year ago, I bought a second hand new build. It actually needed a surprising amount of work doing to it so I asked for recommendations on Facebook and my friend recommend a guy.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday. This has been going on for a few months, I have to say I think I have been genuinely falling for him. He does not wear a wedding ring and I never asked if he was married because perhaps naively I just trusted that someone who was dating me wouldn’t be married!!!!!

happened to be talking to the lady that recommend him to me, and she asked me how the work was and said she knew his wife!!!!!! I never mentioned to her we had started seeing eachother because I thought it was a bit soon. I then messaged him this morning and said “are you married?” And he said “yes, but I don’t love her”

I am absolutely completely devastated, I’ve never wanted to be the other woman but I genuinely had no idea. So now I feel like a marriage wrecker but also I have lost the one start of relationship that I felt happy in since my divorce.

where do I go from here!?

I personally would want more of an explanation. I wouldn't just 'dump' him after these months. I'd want to meet him and hear what the heck this all was.

I understand you were probably a bit lonely being newly divorced and thought you'd stumbled on to somebody nice, in your own house no less. I can see with no wedding ring and him bring able to stay the night you thought he was single. Yes, you didn't ask but made an assumption and he was happy to go along with that assumption. I mean he literally never let slip that he had a wife. Then he has the gall to say he doesn't love his wife as if this was some sort of excuse. He is just a lying cheat and this is probably not the first time

I hope you practiced safe sex but I would still get checked.

I never got to the end of the first date, without asking baldly whther they were married and whether they had any children. A few times I could hardly keep my eyebrows out of my hairline with the answers. This was after I unwittingly went out with somebody who was engaged for a few dates at university - my father was so furious that when the chap came round to "explain" he was on the point of chasing him down the driveway with a pitchfork. (Dad was a keen gardener who was aerating the dahlias or something at the time.)

I think being the OW is not a lot of fun. You know he's lying to his wife and their marriage is not probably not sexless either. You can't go out openly with them and you don't have them for Christmas, your birthday or have somebody to go on trips with or any of the fun things you do. I think the only question you should have is whether you tell his wife and, in these circumstances, I would.

It’s not your fault in any way. It’s entirely on him.

I would be more pissed off about losing a good builder tbh

hardly the other woman scenario, is it? He conveniently hid that little piece of information.
Don't feel bad with yourself. Just dump him.

The OP didn't "just shag" the builder. They met that way but then had a relationship. Many people meet their future partners through work but ofcourse him being a builder people tend to judge the OP.

That guy had to do a fair amount of work on my home. We got to know eachother fairly well (I work from home so was here when he was doing all the work) and we started flirting and we ended up going on some local to me dates (he lives 45 mins away) he stayed over a few nights….we text all day everyday.

OP, you are understandably getting lots of replies supporting you and trashing him for not telling you he was married.

However you were 'getting to know' and 'flirting' with someone you were paying to be there! Someone you were employing for their professional skills to do work for you. It may be your home but it was their workplace.

Just pause and think about the power dynamics of that, and how poorly judged and inappropriate your own behaviour was.

This wasn't a meet-cute in a romcom, or even a seedy porn film scenario, it was straightforward inappropriate boundaries and sexual harrassment in the workplace.

If you felt there was a love for the ages or irresistible chemistry between you, then you should have kept things professional until all work was completed and checked and fully paid for; and only then contemplated asking him out and getting to know him a bit better.

However proximity and convenience will have been a large part of the attraction, for both of you.

If you are still feeling feeling vulnerable and adrift after your divorce, then the work happening in your own home will have helped you feel safe, and created a false sense of domestic intimacy. So maintaining professional employer-contractor boundaries throughout the work is a way of protecting yourself too, of keeping the dynamics clear in your own mind.

Never being invited to his house for months while dating was a clue. Did he ever see you Saturday nights?

"Builder man has laid it on the line, op knows what she should do, but it's debatable whether she will, I also find the sleeping over hard to believe if he's married."

Because they lie to your face where they are and because you're as naive as this op you believe them. You've no reason to doubt them. The shock of finding out what duplicitous bastards men can be is hard to imagine unless you've been on the receiving end of it.

OP you've done nothing wrong. Just end it with the cunt. I can see why you're asking on here because you're in shock and trying to make sense why he lied to you. Having been the woman at home who's partner was telling his other woman that he didn't love me. Well it was news to me when I found out. I'm still recovering from what happened and I'm five years down the line. Don't do this to yourself. Don't torture yourself. Drop the fucker from a great height and move on. Life's too fucking short.

This. I imagine that he's used this line before

Clearly you block and delete him

I know what checks are, but the OP isn't writing because he did a bad job on her house. There isn't actually a database for cheating spouses.

How you've jumped to compare this to rape is being deliberately obtuse.

Men have been lying about being married since the day dot.
Dating apps are full of married men.
Workplaces have married people having affairs or trying to chat up junior staff.
Sugar daddies are a thing.
Politicians have affairs.

Unless youve been living under a rock, it's common knowledge married people cheat.

If you don't care enough to ask if he's married, why should he care enough to tell you he is?

like others have said, he might have thought she knew as was recommended by a friend.

One thing if he'd outright lied, many do, but OP didn't ask.
She dated a worker without doing any due diligence, that's on her.

Vulnerable and naive are two different things.

How you can equal that to rape victims is disgusting.

Again you are deliberately trying to be obtuse, for the benefit of your own obvious values.

First off ask him before you flirt and end up in bed.
Check him on social media.
Check his colleagues who probably worked along side him.
Ask the female friend who recommended him.
Go on companies house website, his wife maybe a co director.

Thing is this woman was lazy, as a pp poster indicated she felt a sense of power being a customer, she had no reason to try and humiliate herself, be vunerable, or compete against other women, all competition was eradicated in her own home, she had one on one attention and it went to her head, the fact is he will have done this a million times.

She is probably one of many and has been used, a perk of the job for him and for her at the time, I bet she was on cloud nine at the time, he will move on to the next job and the next woman, hopefully she will have learnt a lesson.

Get an sti test and try to forget him because if she remains in a FWB situation she will be one of many, maybe a harem.

I mean, she was perhaps a bit naive and she should certainly move on (and get a test!) but I think that your and the other PP's comment that she was in a 'position of power' is a bit exaggerated. She was gulled by him, and now she has found out. End of story and I doubt she will be as naive again, but I don't know why people are blaming her rather than the actual cheater. I say this as someone who thinks that women who KNOWINGLY help men to cheat are scum.

What do you do?

Surely the only answer is tell him to fuck off, and be more careful in the future.

Dump.

if he does to his wife, he will do to you…maybe you are not the “only other woman” too…

I am sorry. Block on every channel. Move on and be happy 🌺

Sorry this happened OP

despite doing my due diligence during OLD I was caught out a couple of times by married men - feels horrific. I promise you, you will eventually have this feeling with another man who is not married eventually.

I’m so sorry. What a cnt he is. Sadly there is nothing but as everyone says, dump him and move on. Occasionally, the cheat does leave his wife…..mine left after 10 years, because “he’d met someone else”. A few months after he met her, he came crawling back…. And wanted to try again. I didn’t even dignify him with an answer, I just walked away. He then got back with the other woman, they had a baby, he had numerous affairs. He told a mutual friend he missed me, loved me, had made a massive mistake. TOUGH, he had his chance. But, what this says is that sometimes the other woman wins out ( if you want to see it that way) but at what cost ?. He’s had more affairs than hot dinners, and ultimately until he’s too old to have an affair ( so he’s probably got about another decade to go) he’s basically banned from talking to women he has ever known. Including me, which is quite hard because we work in the same trade, and environment and cross paths. I don’t want an affair with him, I’d rather stay with my husband who I love very much…. But he has obviously really struggled with his situation. So you can be that woman….. he may leave his wife for you, but then he may do to you what he did to her …. And you have to be the one to make that choice. Sadly, we so often think “he’ll change for me” and maybe one in 1 million does, but so many more don’t. I know you must be really hurting right now, you must feel like a mug, you must feel sht upon, you must think “why bloody me”…. And you know what?, All that’s fair enough…. Because you don’t deserve what he’s done to you….. dump him, look in the mirror, look at the strong woman you are. Treat yourself, value yourself…… you are so much better than what he’s given you… and deep down you know that.

Dump him. Block him on all contacts.

Get STD checks.

Make sure he can’t access your house - you never left him a key or showed him where a key was hidden.

Find a new contractor.

You don't go anywhere from here. You block him after telling him what a cheating, lying fucking scumbug he is. Multiple your sorrow by a million percent and you'll have some idea how his wife would feel if she ever found out. "I don't love my wife", yeah, I bet she doesn't understand the poor sensitive soul either and no doubt they haven't slept together for years - blah, blah, blah.

Do not let anyone use you as their ‘bridging’ person, because they are too cowardly to leave their marriage on their own. If he wants you he needs to end his marriage, and then you might see him again once he’s moved out etc.

I'd message his wife through face book and send her pics of us both, explaining that he cheated on her. She deserves to know and he has done this plenty of times. You obviously break up with him be cause he's actually cheating on you with his wife and probably other women. You can do so much better.

This. My now ex had an affair and left me and the wan he went with had known us as a family for 20 years. I blame her but I'd not blame someone who thought to he man was single and dumped him as soon as she found out

Ditch him now

Lying bastard

How dare he mislead you