To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

So if it's not asking for advice are you looking for women who are in a similar boat to you who are doing NOTHING about it? When kids are involved you can't just fold your hands and accept that. If you're looking for women who enable their husband's to not pick up the slack with their children you won't get that on this thread judging from the comments. This is 2025.

To be fair to him? It's an absolute basic minimum to change your child's nappy. It isn't impressive that he changes shitty nappies.

Sitting in a nappy full of piss for hours isn't nice either. It is neglect even though some parents neglect their child more.

How can you respect someone who doesn't give a fuck if his children are fed and clean?

He's a shit father and your kids deserve better.

God this makes me so so angry. Your husband is a complete moron who is living a parasitic life off of you whilst you basically do everything and allow his genes to continue going into the future!! Can you not see how utterly shit and unacceptable it is to treat your partner and children as your husband is treating you??? If he is not mentally ill, and manages to do fairly well at work, I suspect his behavior is completely deliberate. Leaving your child in dirty nappies and not providing a good diet is neglect. If he is doing these things honestly your children are better off without him! Why do you accept this? It’s like low level abuse imo.

Exactly. How can you accept a father behaving like this? There's no excuse. A grown man knows that food and drink are necessities, as is a clean nappy. It's the most basic knowledge of all.

I can relate to what you describe. In some ways my DH was very hands on when our children were small, but I never managed to feel comfortable leaving "organisational" stuff to him. So when I started a research degree with the plan that I'd go early in the morning, he'd do the nursery drop offs (they were similar ages to yours), I'd pick them up - I never felt confident to just get up and go, without having checked that they had what they needed and were sensibly dressed etc etc. I eventually had to give up on the degree, and not having been able to spend enough undistracted time on it was a contributor.

I really recognise the "not giving them anything to drink" issue - DH forgets to drink enough himself so I'd frequently discover, if he'd been in charge of an afternoon for example, that they'd not had anything to drink either.

I've also remembered an incident when they were older; I was in Australia after my father's funeral, and DH broke his collar bone (blown off his bike cycling to the station). Rather than leave it to him to sort out, I phoned another parent, from Australia, who I knew would be able to help drop our youngest home from their after school activities.

I think you do need to keep chipping away at expectations of your DH, to try to make him step up to what is needed and at least keep him in the loop of day to day routines. It's particularly hard when they are little and their needs keep changing every time you get the hang of it ... But as others have said, the mental load with school just goes up and up, the more you can get DH in the habit of doing some of it the better really. Good luck!

He obviously is... But it's not an excuse.

But it is about one nappy ….. occasionally!

I'm afraid the more you post, the worse your DH sounds. He leaves his child in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours? I was imagining an hour at most. 4-5 hours is really awful.

Dont be so silly. Toddlers don’t need their nappies changed hourly. What do you think happens overnight? So long as the child doesn’t have raging nappy rash it’s not good parenting leaving it so long but not dreadful.

@butterfliesandbugs your post reminds me a bit of when my DC were that age and I worked 2-3 evenings a week plus alternate weekends. I always came home to a mess. Not absolutely awful but messy and annoying. He also needed to be told exactly what to feed them and so on. It did force him to be able to care for them albeit not to my standards. I am far better at multitasking than he is.

I will be shot down but it’s easier to leave the food ready and write down instructions on what, where and when. If you start to go out regularly he will slowly get better and if you start going for a short time and build it up he will also get more competent.

Because it continues to enable the behaviour.

Not to mention the fact that it isn't rocket science. It's pure laziness.

I don't know how women continue to be attracted to and have multiple children with men like this.

“…And you’d say there are two well fed, well dressed children who live in a warm, well maintained home with affluent parents and enjoy a range of activities…”

And yet what they are growing up and learning is that women are responsible for running the home, doing all the housework and all the meaningful parenting. And men can just go to the shed and do whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want.

Do you really want that role modelling for your children? Especially your daughter if you have one?

And every evening running around to clubs ditto weekends and trying to do homework. They will be up later and come out with "I need X for tomorrow" at 8pm whilst dad has been sat with his feet up since you cleared his plate and washed up. are you going to do this for the next 16 years whilst he lazes about? Common get real or do you like being a martyr?

It might be annoying for you but you'll have to let go and let him take control if you want a day off. I assume he's just not had the practise but how will he get that of you don't let him try and fail a few times

Does that make it okay...you know it's neglect

Can't believe you find it in you to shag this idiot

He deflects and you allow it whilst your kids get this blueprint for their own future partnerships.....what was your parents roles?

He is not "obviously" anything FFS.

Jannier Im afraid you are wrong.
A SS referral does not automatically mean SS intervention. It is highlighting a concern of parenting.

As i said in my previous post this is not about one wet nappy its about the bigger picture and parents not being adequately informed about meeting a Childs basic care needs

You sound like me.
If I go out for a few hours it is madness when I get back. And thebtoddler knows daddy is a push over and so he is running up the walls.
My DH had a reality check after AI had a RTA and in hospital for a few days. And ge was on tears and really appreciated what I dis after that. He was sobbing saying he doesn't know how I do it and how he will cope without me again. He has now offered to pay for a weekley cleaner as his solution......

So - like I say, I knew I’d be ultimately the one held responsible for DHs behaviour and the thread hasn’t disappointed in that respect. I’m not going to bother arguing on that score. Things are as they are and won’t change, unless I leave and I don’t plan to.

It is a lot of work, to be sure.

Ho hum then.. Men eh?! 🙄

It is awful to leave a child, presumably awake and running about, in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours. There's no excuse for it.

And there is no chance I would write detailed instructions for my DH about how to care for his own children, nor would I prepare food for him to feed them. Because my DH is an adult and perfectly capable. The degree of learned helplessness that some women are willing to put up with from their partners never ceases to amaze me.

Of course you'll be held responsible because you're enabling it. The least you could do was seek couples therapy. I believe you thought you would get solidarity from other women in your shoes but it's 2025 many women aren't putting up with this kind of behaviour anymore. You may ignore it now but this will affect your kids and marriage in the long run. If you really care you will do something about it.

It’s MN AIBU; of course I won’t get solidarity from other women 😂