To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

It is very hard when you have children with a selfish lazy loser.
If you can stomach sex with him🤢bullet proof your contraception as two children with a loser is surely enough.

Stop doing anything for him.
No shopping, cooking, laundry etc.

This.

Give him a proper big row about it OP. Letting this slide is allowing him to behave like a pointless teen.

I would have to shame him into being an actual adult.

Does his behaviour not give you the ick?! I can’t imagine feeling attracted to a man who neglected their children, and that’s what this is.

If was a single parent that left his child in a nappy full of urine, didn’t feed them properly or give them anything to drink he could easily find himself on the receiving end of a social services referral. He only gets away with it because you’re there to pick up his slack.

If you husband is leaving his children in soiled nappies and not giving them fluids you should be hitting the roof. Not rolling over. ??

As pp said leave them overnight then he might realise why it pisses you off. Do a checklist for him of the basics he needs to check so hopefully he won’t neglect them. Some men just don’t have common sense and need instructions.

What makes you think things will get easier when they're at school op?
Sure they'll be able to use the toilet themselves and ask for food so yes, they won't be starving and have piss on their clothes, like he neglects them now.
But it'll just be replaced by other stuff, whichever stuff they need at that age.
And I'm afraid, for many parents, teenagers are far far harder than little ones.

Going back to your original example, this is what I think you should have done if you want to keep your marriage going... he should have put them to bed that night, you go out, visit a friend. He should have picked dc up from nursery.

Putting your foot down now to his incompetence will actually save your marriage in the end.

I think there’s some naivety re social services referral. A wet nappy is not worthy of SS intervention. A child who goes from 12-6 without food but a good lunch and dinner is not worthy of SS intervention. Hell, has anyone seen the news re the house fire in London at the end of 2021? That house was literally covered in shit, had no working light bulbs and the woman asked for support and STILL had no SS intervention !

@arethereanyleftatall i think I explained clearly I’d have a couple of days a week ‘off’ when they are at school which at the moment I obviously don’t.

This needed to have stopped with child number 1 because I am sure he has been doing this. This can't continue because if it does then it is wilful enablement on your part. He must demonstrate that he can feed the kids and change nappies etc WHILST you are there. If not what happens if he gives a pack of fruit for the whole day with crisps and a sprinkle of water when you're absent for days FGS. Draw a line in the sand now or you will end up being a married single parent. I have a feeling he is a traditional husband and likely grew up in a home where his mum did all the housework and childcare like what you're doing. He won't think it's an issue if you keep on doing it. If he could see the comments on here he will think twice and be ashamed. Have a meeting with him tonight and list it all out and say change starts now or it will likely lead to your marriage crumbling.

Timetable.
7.30am - wake up, toilet for X, nappy change for Y, dressed for day
8am, breakfast - 1 weetabix, sml glass milk, etc
8.30am - CBeebies for 30 mins - you shower and dress
9am - clean kitchen, X - toilet, Y check nappy. Out to park until 11am.
11am - etc
7pm - teeth and bed
7.30 - clean up toys, dirty clothes into laundry
8pm - eat dinner if you haven't with the kids.
You get the drift

I did find that when the kids were tiny their routines for sleep, and food quantities/preferences changed quite frequently. We both worked full time and had a full time nanny so part of my handover on a Friday was to check what had changed. I had to travel frequently for work so if DH had the kids solo for the weekend I would update a chart like this. Yes it's spoon feeding and he's perfectly competent but a reminder to check a nappy every hour or so is not a bad thing.
MIL was INSANELY sniffy about it when she came to help for a weekend while I was away but then admitted she found it really helpful especially food quantities and having a rough idea of their daily timetable. Long time since she had toddlers.

If you're still coming home to a car crash [and bear in mind practice makes perfect - we all had to learn to try and clean the house in the time it takes to watch in the night garden ] then it's time for a really hard talk. He either needs assessment for SEN or needs to get his sh*t together.

It did help that I had to travel very frequently, long haul for work and away at least a week at a time. DH got plenty of practice and MIL does not leave nearby - it gave him huge confidence with the kids in the end but he'd be the first to admit it was a learning curve.

Thankfully not had this problem myself as we were very open and honest right from the start that both of us had to pull our weight.
But my FiL Oh my god how the MiL put/puts up with the total lack of help in life I will never understand.
Sure he went to work every day but so did she & did all the child care, cooking, cleaning, all admin & social planning.
Yet every time I bring it up she makes excuses for him even since they are retired.
One PP or might have been OP said about him doing something really well but not really important at that point in time to the detriment of everything else is spot on.

Yes op, some parents are even worse than your husband. Not sure if that's where I'd set my bar though.

So make it DH problem. If you have work to do and kids are awake because they fell asleep ask him to watch them while you work. Although this example is unfair, he’s offered to take them out to give you a break but if they fall asleep that’s not really his fault. The other things though he really needs to do better with

Ok op. You do you. Enjoy.

@Coconutter24 there is no fucking way I can do anything with them milling about 😂

Besides, selfishly or otherwise I like being ‘free’ at half seven. And late bedtimes have a knock on effect on the next day anyway.

I knew people would quibble the examples, it’s fine. But I posted because I was wondering who else was like me. Some with exes are. Hopefully it won’t come to that. But you never know.

He's either got learning disabilities or he's a common or garden fuckwit.

Would counselling help? You have decades of this nonsense ahead of you.

You appear to be almost upset that his neglect isn’t worse. Failing to change nappies was one of the reasons my son was placed in care, and if it wasn’t an issue why have you used it as an example of his poor parenting?

@Simonjt , I don’t think for a moment you actually extrapolated that from my comment. I think it’s just a provocative comment trying to draw me into a row. Not happening. Sorry.

But OK @Simonjt - I would say that if your son was taken into care because a wet (not soiled - DH always changes soiled nappies to be fair to him) went unchanged for several hours then that’s shocking and shouldn’t have happened. I suspect you’re talking about a) soiled nappies and b) longer than a few hours. I hope anyway.

Mine is surrounded by a team of managers and PAs getting the detailed grunt work done. I don’t think he’s necessarily any more competent or incompetent at work. He’s being paid well for his talents, which include seeing the big picture, setting direction, coming up with brilliant ideas, motivating and mentoring, and building client relationships connections. None of that relates to the ability to notice the needs of small preverbal humans.

Jesus I thought you meant "he leaves their lunch plates by the dishwasher not in them so i have to stack it when in home" but this is full on child neglect - he forgets to feed his own children then let's them eat enough berries to get diarrhea!?! He forgets to give drinks or change nappies!?!
You need to have a serious serious chat about responsible parenting and how it works. He has to look after them properly. Bluntly, what if you have an accident or aren't around - he just never feeds the kids? My husbands mum died at 11 and he had to take over washing and cooking - don't risk this for your children, it's a horrible upbringing.
Have a serious chat and make him deal with the consequences, child has diarrhea due to his parenting, he takes the day off and collects them. Child has nappy rash, he buys the cream and stays up with them. If anyone I left looking after my children did this I would shred them, I'd not speak to a friend again after this and if my husband regularly neglected our children I'd divorce him. The only risk being you'd then have to leave them with him every other weekend and call social services because he was failing their basic needs.

This is correct information, a factor of removing a child, repeated exposure to non changed nappie can cause severe nappy rash which can get infected. Sepsis is worse case scenario. The impact of prolonged regular exposure to urine ammonia can be extreme in certain circumstances

You have to ignore some of the trolling on here. It's obviously not neglect when he knows you're coming back. That's why some people have said it's weaponised incompetence - he gets away with it because he's happy to lean so heavily on you.
Have you thought about couples therapy where you can say the unsayable in a safe space in front of him where he can't react with scorn or anger? "I'm worried I'll get hit by a bus and the children will get dehydrated or underweight as he doesn't seem to understand what they need"

But not a wet nappy for four to five hours 🙄

Child protection is a serious issue. Minimising it over things like this does not do children who are actually suffering neglect any favours: the opposite in fact.

Id report both of you to social services if i knew your identity. You clearly don't have a clue what is acceptable in meeting a childs basic care needs. Eye openers like this are usually the tip of the iceberg

The fact he does this and you let him and continue to do so is abuse in itself

Don't get me started on the blue berry incident .