To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

He's a terrible, neglectful father. Withholding fluids is abuse in my book.

It doesn’t matter if he is used to having them or not… surely a fully grown adult knows that children need food/drink and little ones need nappy changes? Honestly, incompetent men like this are the reason I’m so glad I realised I was a lesbian and why women will probably always be stuck in these main care giver roles. He is clearly capable of looking after himself but can’t care for his own children even doing the basics that keep them alive? I couldn’t be married to someone like this, sorry OP.

You need to let it be his problem. Kid has to come home from nursery? He leaves work to pick them up. Kid up until 10? He is with them until then. House is a tip? He cleans it after they have gone to sleep.

The nappies and water I would read him the riot act over. That's neglect.

Do you really feel like you'll be able to get over the resentment of his incompetence now? It would destroy the relationship for me.

He's on child No 2. Don't tell me he doesn't know what to do. He's choosing not to do it.

How can you even look at him?

Yep, but it's even harder to deal with later on because you didn't take steps now and it's even more entrenched. If you have work to do, go elsewhere.

Go away for 3 months or 6 and he'll learn.

Why do people post shit like this? No one is fucking off for months. It just trivialises the actual problem.

A lot of these things are child
Neglect OP i am a social worker. Why are you minimising his actions ? Does he have additional needs which mean he is unable to care
For his child safely? In which case that is a safeguarding issue to be leaving him alone with them.

If he doesn't,
Then there is no excuse. The neglect falls on your head to for allowing this to happen

I disagree with previous posters about leaving him for longer with the children. If he unable to meet their basic needs you will only exacerbate their vulnerabilities of harm
Coming to them with a longer time in his care

I’m sure he made himself a drink, something to eat, went to the toilet. How does he imagine that his children can manage without?
Stupid or selfish, neither of which are very attractive.

Your husband sounds pathetic. Isn't he appalled at himself that he is unable to care for his own children? Not feeding them, not changing their nappies? How can you stay with a man who is capable of neglecting his children to this extent?

I thought you were going to say something along the lines of he lets the children get muddy when playing in the park and you do all the laundry or something like that. But your situation is so much worse.

YABU for allowing this to happen.

You need to go away for a week. If he has to deal with the consequences of the loose poos etc then maybe he will learn.

Or you just refuse to deal with the fall out. Sorry DH you’ll have to take time off work because pre school won’t take him and it was on your watch.

But seriously, how is he so incompetent? It must be weaponised if he can hold down a job etc. Because even if he has never made a meal for a child before you can literally google how to make a sandwich and cut up some grapes FFS. Don’t let him get away with it! It’s actually embarrassing for a grown adult not to know all this stuff and frankly I dont know how you could ever fancy him again with this attitude 🤢

Well this example is fair enough. He wouldn't be doing anything wrong, it's just a fact that small children in cars for a period of time will fall asleep, especially the one that's still of napping age.

But not bothering with feeding and toileting and giving water to drink is BS. That level of incompetence simply isn't possible in an adult who is capable of navigating life with a job and a spouse and financial responsibilities. It absolutely is not bothering because you're there to pick up the pieces. Don't kid yourself.

He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Period. Whether that's dealing with the child or tidying the mess or listening to you being upset and having a go at him: either way, doing normal parenting stuff has to happen. It's not negotiable.

Because op isn't taking the situation seriously either is she, she won't do anything, she won't take any sensible advice.

This! What a piss take of a human

Get a smart speaker.
Set it to reminder for nappy, drink, food, emotional and physical needs.
To go off every 15 minutes while they are with your husband in the house.
Honestly. He won't need it again after the first day.
He will realise his so called parental incompetence hasn't worked

I agree with PP - the answer is NOT to leave the children with someone who can’t even meet their basic needs and is neglectful. Either he starts pulling his weight - with OP’s supervision making sure the children are cared for properly - or she needs to leave for the welfare of her children.

I came on to the thread expecting to agree with you @butterfliesandbugs because sometimes I feel the same about my DH - but actually, the examples you’ve given are pretty bad! Not providing water/food/ or changing nappies is really really bad.

My DHs problem is that he can’t focus on more than one thing at a time - he just doesn’t have the ability to multitask or to forward plan. So during my day I’ll be always thinking of the next thing, eg:
Making breakfast - “do we have enough milk for tomorrow?”
Getting DC dressed - “do they have plenty of clothes and changes for nursery tomorrow? Does the bag need repacked?”
Travelling to work - “need to collect DC early from nursery for the dentist tomorrow, there’s a birthday party on Saturday - need to make sure we have a gift” etc.

That way things are done and ready when we need them rather than trying to scramble things together at the last minute. DH absolutely does do all these things and would sort all the issues that arise himself as they come up but he would never naturally think of them ahead of time. He’d never make it my problem and he’s the same with stuff for himself, not just kids/house stuff. I usually end up prepping in advance if he’s being left and making sure everything is done but only for my own sanity - I can’t deal with the thought of that level of chaos and all the running at the last minute 😂 so that’s my issue really.
Yes, he’ll be trying to find spare trousers for the nursery bag while running out the door but he’d never forget basic food/water/hygiene!

We have similar @Seaside31 . He also can’t do more than one thing at a time. So if he decides something needs doing (last week he got obsessed with mending something in the shed) everything else just sort of fades away.

Set reminders on his mobile and put a chart on the fridge door to prompt him. And do tell him, when he has a tea or coffee to remember to give the children a drink too - it's only a matter of educating him

No, not weaponised incompetence, probably they are wired differently (don't flame me). And we spoil them - we, women, collectively. We are perfect servants.

From Gosford Park -

What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? It's the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant. I'm better than good. I'm the best. I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves. (That is me that is).

But OP’s H is a fully grown and capable adult? Why the fuck should she have to parent and ‘educate’ him too as well as doing the lionshare of childcare and house stuff?

he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me
Not planning ahead would be things like using all the clean clothes and not putting a wash on, or finishing all the milk at bedtime so there's none for breakfast. Which is crap and annoying. The level of incompetence your H is displaying is far beyond that and is nothing to do with planning but failing to parent in the moment.

Unless he's also sitting around in his own urine soaked clothes having not eaten or drunk then it is weaponised incompetence not "just incompetence" as you claim. Not that "just incompetence" is any less pathetic.

You still haven't said what he does for his children and daily life when your there so I'm guessing you do it all without a word?

@butterfliesandbugs But would he continue doing that over tending to the children?
Because that’s not ok.