To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

Well what do you want us to say, @butterfliesandbugs ? You aren’t unreasonable to want a break, but you want us to applaud you martyring yourself so your incompetent dh doesn’t have to learn a new skill - caring for his own children.

How should I demonstrate my solidarity with someone who is, I accept, being let down by her dh, but is refusing to do anything about it?

The saddest thing is you think you’d feel better about your young children being failed by this useless selfish bastard if you knew other women were also mug enough to tolerate it and their kids were being neglected too.

Why aren’t your children worth better? Today?

His behaviour is abusive, he didn't even give them fluids for christ sake! At the very least you should point out that you can't leave him alone with the kids because he's a bad, neglectful parent. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

What support did you expect from us? We weren't going to tell you 'well done for deciding to do all the work all the time while your lazy husband does fuck all.' you are enabling this by not letting him look after them more. Part of being a Father is looking after your kids often. It's not your role to gatekeep. He needs more time with them then he will figure it out.

My partner did annoying things at first and forgot to feed etc (younger baby only just on solids) but he does everything well and his own way now. I assume your husband can hold down a job. How can he cope with that without someone going in and doing it for him?

OP you’re getting a load of abuse on this thread that I really don’t believe you deserve. You’re not unreasonable to expect more of your husband. It’s definitely not your fault he’s useless.

As a first step I’d try actually talking to him. You need to stay calm but be firm. You need to be able to have a break without coming back to a disaster zone and neglected children.

I’d spoon feed him to start with. Leave clear instructions for what to do when, and meals already planned so that he just has to serve them. Of course you shouldn’t have to do this, he should be able to parent his own children. But I do think sometimes you have a choice between being right and getting what you want.

You want to be able to leave him to care for your children. He probably feels massively out of his depth having never really done it properly before. Just make it easy for him. Then you can slowly withdraw the support as he becomes more independent with it.

I expect I’ll get lots of abuse for daring to suggest you do anything other than have a massive go at him, or leave him to manage on his own for a week, or leave him altogether. But any of those options are just driving conflict. If he feels under attack he’s less likely to welcome the suggestion that he needs to better.

Not one person thinks OP is unreasonable to expect more from her DH or that the fact he's a shit father is her fault. In fact, pp's seem to expect more from him than she does.

I wouldn't be able to even look at him after neglecting his children. He would've been gone the first time he did it and I certainly wouldn't be making excuses like ''well to be fair, he'd change a soiled nappy'' like he's some kind of hero for at least changing shitty nappies.

OP is getting what she's getting because she's enabling his behaviour. She isn't helpless and doesn't have to accept it, it's a choice.

I wouldn't leave instructions or a pre made meal that is further enabling his behaviour , he needs to understand the childs needs and emerging needs so he can meet them

Get a book on child Development at different ages, tell him to read it. He will learn why a child needs feeding/ changing regularly and importance of sleep. That way he can prepare how he can meet those needs.
The child in nappies will need toilet training soon and he will need to prepare how he can alter his care to meet the need then.

If he is not willing to educate himself on meeting his childs needs that is a safeguarding issue and i would strongly advise not leaving him In sole care

Leave him with the children frequently for short periods of time at first with written instructions - when to change nappies, when and what to feed them and when to tidy up (and clear instructions as to what this entails) he needs to learn and you need to put a rocket under him. If he wants to behave like an incompetent child then treat him like one.

He either has learning difficulties or just doesn't give a shit! (I'm leaning towards the latter!)

Could you grit your teeth and go away for a night or weekend....so that although dh will make a balls up of child care he will have to sort out the late nights and poo explosions for 24 hours.
Or another approach is to not cook or clean for him because you're sorting the kids and unless he fucking pulls his finger out he will be going without meals laundry etc...

The hysteria over neglect is unwarranted. My kids are also reluctant drinkers. If they'd asked for drinks or been unhappy I'm sure he would have provided rather than 'withholding fluids' as claimed up thread. Likewise, a bulging or leaking nappy is a different ballgame to a lightly wet one.

My partner has similar tendencies to put himself first. But he also took 6 months unpaid leave with our toddler and now has a day of each week with both. He doesn't parent in the organised way I do, but he wouldn't react well to being given instructions and I let him do it his way. Occasionally he has done things I consider mad like cycle to the science museum with a toddler on his bike at 4pm, or take the kids for a picnic up a mountain on a summer eve when I would normally have them in the bath. They have wonderful memories from this sort of thing and I'm glad.

But I agree absolutely to leaving them overnight or making sure he does bedtime when he has let them nap or wound them up.

Bet he thinks it's a Big Important Man Job

Same.
It's a reason why I only had the one child.
I don't have any advice.
I hate the way the house looks after partner has looked after my daughter. Piles of rubbish everywhere, clothes and toys galore. I'm left to deal with everything and he'll piss off to bed to watch TV.
I've tried talking to him but it makes no difference.
I can't physically make him do it.

Sorry you are in this situation.

This is honestly so sad isn't it? Imagine a father who needs to be given a time as to when to change nappies and feed HIS kids. Surely he knows when to do a wee or get some food for himself when he's hungry so why is it so hard doing it for his own children 😔

It isn't unwarranted. If you have a reluctant drinker, you make sure to offer drinks all the more and we clearly aren't talking about a lightly wet nappy or this thread wouldn't exist.

Not to mention he also can't be arsed feeding them.

It is absolutely neglect of a child's basic needs and isn't a case of simply parenting differently.

Yes it is sad! I honestly don't believe it's incompetence, I think it's lazy and selfish. But if it were my DH I wouldn't accept it - I would make sure he knows what he is expected to do when it comes to looking after his own children and if that means giving him written instructions, so be it. He should be embarrassed that he needs them!

It's Martyr syndrome....I'm not happy I won't do anything to change it, I'll tell you how shit it is but carry on then tell everyone some more and say look how bloody fantastic I am.

hi op,

you need to leave longer to let him deal with the fall out of this “incompetence”…it isn’t maybe weaponized as such but it defo isn’t caring or attention are towards you :/

Good luck 🌺

I know EXACTLY what you mean!! Just doesn’t seem worth the hassle does it? Like I rarely have a lie in, because I know I’ll go downstairs to a huge workload where he just sits and does nothing with the boys except make a mess, nothing is tidied up. That’s if he’s even bothered to do their breakfast yet! We have 3 children and I’m pregnant with our 4th, which I’m over the moon about, but equally asking myself wtf I am doing as I am so exhausted already with the workload and mental load as it all falls entirely into my hands! He took them out for the afternoon yesterday, and all day I’ve been trying to sort the washing that they’ve created from getting absolutely caked in mud. He doesn’t do anything with the things he brings back home, just leaves it all for me to deal with. Makes me dread such days out, because although I know the children will love it, I’m the mug that has to do all the prep for it and deals with the aftermath! 😩😩😩😩😩😩

Is there a reason you don’t divide parenting and running the family between you? Why have you allowed yourself to be a mug - what happens why you are out with friends for the evening/away for the weekend?

I don’t go out in the evenings or away at weekends. I’ve only just stopped breastfeeding our youngest, and was feeding our middle child when he was born too, so over 5 years breastfeeding continuously. So no nights out or away. He justifies the lack of help with the house etc as he goes to work, however he doesn’t work long hours or every day of the week, so it’s bullshit and I’ve just allowed it to be that way! No idea why. Hence calling myself a mug!

You're enabling him. Taken to extremes, a person buying an addict their drug of choice most certainly is blameworthy.

You are letting him get away with this shoddy behaviour. Either leave him (which I understand why you don't want to do) or educate him (which I know is unfair to you, but you're the one who chose to have kids with this man).

Your current way of doing this is leading to you being overwhelmed and over-worked while the kids only get proper parenting from one (tired, stressed) parent instead of two responsible caregivers who support each other and work as a team. Your children are massively losing out as a result of all this.

You actually think there's only you can do it properly and whatever he does is going be wrong.
You need an attitude audit and change. If not it's going to be a very long, exhausting journey through your childrens' lives. Talk to each other.

As sad as it may be you may have to coach him through this as otherwise you will never get a break. List all the things you have mentioned on a notice board as prompts, get him to set alarms to remind him to feed, change them, encourage him to have coping mechanisms to assist him in remembering stuff. Be honest with him and explain how hard it is having the mother load and need him to step up. I’m sure people will say you shouldn’t have to do this and I agree but you need some way out of this and you getting a break.

OP I sympathise, my DH can't effectively manage one 2 yr old, never mind 2.

And yes I cba to fight over it, bc he doesn't get it. Child is alive, semi catered for, house hasn't burnt down, just grateful.