To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

You do live up to your username don't you

Butterflies its not about one nappy.

Its about the bigger picture and quality of care the children are receiving

The thing is @butterfliesandbugs it's not just about how it's unfair to you.

It's also unfair to the children. Their dad doesn't prioritise them. He works, he tinkers in the shed for hours on end and when he's left to care for them he doesn't even do bare minimum level stuff like change nappies or provide proper food.

Eventually they will stop going to him. Because they'll know. I'm willing to bet your older one already does. They are missing out and he is missing out on how awesome his kids can be.

If he's able to see the issues and work on improving things then there is hope. The kids are young and if it's just that he's not confident or needs to find strategies to remember to do stuff then that can be "fixed" - he might not do things "your way" but he will find His Way and that'll be fine.

But if he's just not arsed, if he sees caring for them as "your job" and continues like this, his relationship with the children will suffer and your resentment will only get worse.

Have you tried speaking with him about how you feel about this?
Have you explained to him that because he can't focus on the care of his children, you don't feel that you can leave them in his care & how does that make him feel?
Use the example of the blueberries and also the suggestion that he could take the kids but you don't let him because they're likely to fall asleep and then they'd be awake later on which has knock on effects to the following days.

Tell him that this can't continue as it is, even if it is going to be getting easier as the kids grow up they won't have formed the same bonds with him as they have with you. You know you have to leave him in charge of the kids at some point.

My suggestion is to set alarm/reminders on his mobile phone throughout the day - feed kids at X time (have their meal already prepped in the fridge or on the counter), change nappy (whether it needs it or not, he'll get used to knowing), make sure the kids have access to drinks (water/juice) in their cups - reminders with alarms so that he knows he has to act. For the first few times have the reminders also written out and stuck to the front of a cupboard in the kitchen so that he can check it there too.

It's ridiculous that you should have to do that but it's partly for him to grasp just what is required and it's also partly for you so that you know the reminders are set and what they are for, so that you feel more comfortable leaving them with him.

If he creates work for you, hand the kids back to him and let him deal with the fall out of his actions/inactions.

And you’d say there are two well fed, well dressed children who live in a warm, well maintained home with affluent parents and enjoy a range of activities, but if the mum ever goes somewhere, which happens maybe twice a year, dad doesn’t change the nappy if it’s just wet and isn’t very proactive at offering drinks .

it is very annoying when people push their own odd agenda onto threads.

Either it is weaponised incompetence or this man has additional needs. Does he have a job?

if you died tomorrow would the children have to go into care?

@LookItsMeAgain I’ve tried a few times but we never get anywhere. Mostly because he tends to focus on the minutiae of a situation rather than the bigger picture. But I am resigned to it. I just know right now having a break isn’t possible because it doubles or tables the work when I do return!

So, @butterfliesandbugs - is your husband competent and capable of learning new skills in other areas of his life? If so, he is capable of learning to take care of the children. He doesn’t want to, because he knows you will pick up the slack.

This is the very epitome of weaponised incompetence.

😂

You wrote this post because you don't trust him and you really, really, really need more regular breaks.

Nothing will change unless you stop getting so defensive and start listening. The person to get assertive at is the one sat at home, not us.

I’m not being defensive. I find it frustrating and exhausting I can’t get a break and I do feel let down by DH. But claiming a child eating too many blueberries and a wet nappy for 4-5 hours is SS involvement level is ridiculous.

does he deal with the consequences? Who does the really late bedtime? Who tidies? who has to leave work to pick up? Very quickly he will learn not to be incompetent if he has to do this. Now I say all this but honestly if my husband wasn’t capable of feeding and making sure my kids were hydrated I’d probably stay with them too for safety!!

Does he have cognitive impairment - how does he manage the rest of his life?!

I think you both need a bit of support in meeting a child's basic care needs 24/7. Being affluent means nothing if children are sitting around in wet nappies without food or drink and being only offered a fruit which makes then ill.

A parent who is in the shed all day is not present - how is he meeting their emotional needs if he is not there?

You are minimising and said " I've resigned myself to this. " i think you both could do with some guidance and support

He hyper focuses. So eg if he thinks something needs fixing he focuses on that and nothing else.

He won’t change and the post isn’t asking for advice on how to change it. What’s interesting is that the poll is almost 50/50 so I’m clearly not alone, even if some aren’t admitting to it!

So what is he prepared to do? Listen and act on your concerns? See his GP for ADHD medication?

Has op even mentioned ADHD once?

I find it frustrating and exhausting I can’t get a break and I do feel let down by DH.

Yet you refuse to actually do anything about it. What a waste of a life.

I’ve read my share of posts about incompetent dads on here so he’s not alone.

He won’t change and the post isn’t asking for advice on how to change it.
Does that mean he doesn’t agree that he’s a crap dad and you are going to grit your teeth until the children can get their own drinks and food ? Why wouldn’t you want him to change and be an actual parent ? He’s setting a terrible example to your kids about what to accept and expect from a male partner in future. It doesn’t seem relevant now because they are so young but you risk your son becoming like his father and grandfather and your daughter accepting this like you and her grandmother.

Why would someone like him have a child? Children need more than money and a warm home to thrive.

What does he say about the non offering of drinks or not changing nappies? This is basic care?

Go away for an entire weekend. I did this when mine were small. I had a girls weekend to go to, honestly thought it would be a disaster but husband actually got into a whole routine, dinners, cleaning up, realising exactly how much I did and how much work it was. Best thing I ever did and changed our dynamic completely

Why are they only in the care of their father twice a year? I hope you never get ill.
Showing concern about bad parenting isn't an odd agenda.

Hyperfocussing = doing something he prefers to parenting his children, supporting his partner, and cleaning his own house.

It’s honestly unreal what some women will put up with. I cannot think of a single reason to stay with this man.

Took the words out of my mouth. I wouldn’t be worried about leaving them with him becuase of extra work when I returned, more so that he would cause them harm from neglect.

When you are home does he just sit back while you do everything? Do you let him just sit there?

I'm afraid the more you post, the worse your DH sounds. He leaves his child in a wet nappy for 4-5 hours? I was imagining an hour at most. 4-5 hours is really awful.

If you work part time and he works full time, it obviously makes sense that you are doing more housework and childcare than he is during the workweek. However, he is their father. He should be fully involved in their care when he's at home. How does he interact with the children? Does he play with them? Does he read to them before bed? How would you describe his relationship to them?

I know you've said you're resigned to the situation, but why? Don't you want him to be an equal parent and someone you can count on to look after your children?