To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

Maybe you need to go away for much longer so he bears all the consequences and learns!

Honestly I found leaving for 2-3 hours much worse. When I went away for two weeks with work (which I HATED doing and almost quit over!) it was actually the best thing for DH really understanding what looking after the children actually meant.

So how does the conversation go when you’ve said to him how he looks after the children is unacceptable?

Part of having children is learning to look after them. It’s just what a decent parent does.

Assuming he works and has got to adulthood without incident he’s capable of learning so he’s lazy. Only you know if he can sort his shit out but I couldn’t and wouldn’t live like that.

If you avoid this now, it's not going to get any better and you'll never feel able to leave them with him. Keep trying, maybe lay out some "rules" eg, lunch at 12pm, no trips after 3pm etc?

Can you do shorter spells of time away from them to avoid the long treks in the afternoon etc?

What's his excuse for not changing a wet nappy? Or not feeding them something reasonable but easy like toast?

I take it he has a job so does have to cope with everyday tasks himself?

You have to keep trying OP or this will get worse. I know you shouldn't need to do this but I guess tell him what to feed them rather than leave it up to him? I wouldn't worry about the not drinking if it's only for a couple of hours. If they leave the house looking like a tip - he clears it up. Etc.

You need to tell him that the way he is behaving is unacceptable. Point out the consequences of his shot parenting. Even better, let him deal with the consequences of his parenting. It actually sounds like her needs more practise at being in some charge of the kids rather than less.

I have been in this position. My boyfriend was like this after we had our first. It took a long time to get him to start thinking and acting like a parent but it seemed to click after we had our second and I went back to work full time (I.e forcing him to pick up the slack).

Stamp on this now or resign yourself to it being like this forever. He's perfectly capable of looking after kids if he's capable of holding down a job and other adult activities. Make a point of leaving him with them more often rather than less so that he gets more practice and if there are consequences to the decision he makes, make sure he deals with them, eg if he lets them sleep in the car he has to get them to bed. If you have to start off by giving him some written instructions, it's annoying but might be worth it if he changes his behaviour.

Exactly.
This is a "father" of two small children?
How fucking ridiculous.

Needs to be nipped in the bud now or this will be your life.

I’m pretty much resigned to this being how it is. It does make me a bit resentful but it’s getting easier and will get easier still as they get older. Like now he’s got to go to the city to collect something and he offered to take them but they’d probably fall asleep so I’ve had to say no. But it leaves me with them and this sort of thing happens a lot but hard to argue with because he’ll say ‘well I offered to take them to X to give you a break!’

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Then make that DHs problem. He'll soon learn, if he's in charge of an out of routine small child up late.

What was he like with your first as a baby? Did he do changes, naps, feeds, cook, clean?
I have a friend who actively pushed her husband out as he always did it "wrong" (as in not her way) so he gave up trying.
Does he pull his weight when you're home?

What if you ever got really ill or had a hospital stay or died? Would he really just not bother to clean, feed and water them? I have children and know a lot of parents, I honestly can’t conceive of any of them not caring enough about their young kids to neglect their basic needs. It’s appalling and shameful.

Ir still is my problem if I have work to do and a small child is marauding around though. It’s like a lot of things: easy to say harder to do.

@AnneLovesGilbert if I died I imagine he’d move closer to his parents. They’d help then.

Honestly, this sort of stuff makes me so furious - what an unbelievably cruel person to leave their child in dirty nappies and not provide water, a basic fucking minimum. God gorbid he should be in charge of a dog. It’s either weaponised incompetence (although you say not) or he is not capable of normal function. I simply do not believe that any wel-meaning human can’t fathom that a child needs these things, never mind one who’s been a parent for several,years.

Not providing food or drink, leaving a baby in a soiled nappy. It isn’t incompetence, its neglect.

This

How involved is he in their care when you’re there
what’s the childcare set up?
If you’re both there on a Saturday is he hands on?

He could easily set reminders on his phone at intervals throughout the day for nappy changes, snacks and lunch and drinks. It isn't hard. You could do that with him so you would feel better knowing it didn't rely on him remembering.

My Mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks when my older sibling was a couple of months old and my Dad did everything because he had to.

Start this now so he gets used to parenting his own children and you can get a break.

So you’re not willing to deal with it. Why post?

The low standards some women have absolutely perplexes me.

How you can create children and a life with someone but be unable to have a proper conversation is completely beyond me.

I echo pps. You need to leave him for longer. That way he feels the consequences of his actions - very hungry children, nappies falling off, toddlers up until midnight. As it is he CAN leave everything because he knows you will be back to sort things out.

Just beware that he will probably just move his mother in if you go away for a fortnight... (bitter experience).

Not giving your small children food and drink and leaving them in wet nappies is neglectful and cruel. I can see why you don't want to leave DC with DH. But what sort of person cannot understand that you need to do these basic things to keep small humans alive. Is he stupud? Selfish? Cruel?

My dh is the same. I wrote a routine for him and left dd with him when she was 18 months old for 2 nights.

He lets stuff happen, he deals with the consequences, surely. He lets them sleep in the car, he handles bedtime, and getting them to sleep, however late. He lets them eat too much fruit, he picks them up from daycare and deals with the explosive pooing. Etc etc.

OP- I know you say it’s not weaponised incompetence, but it IS. He presumably remembers to feed himself and go to the toilet- therefore he is capable of feeding and changing the children. Please do not put up with this.