To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

Can you go to the city instead and he has the kids

Some men are useless in purpose so you don’t ask them

keep trying. Wrote a list is need be

12 lunch and drink
1/3 nap
3 wake up and change nappy
330 park - games inside etx
5 tea

This is neglect. I would tell him this straight. Anyone let alone a parent knows that babies need to be changed regularly. All children need to be fed properly and given drinks. It's also cruel. How would he feel if he was denied the basics. He needs to parent. Or he can leave.

Some of my best memories was doing very ordinary things with my DF. He would make lovely meals, play with me and still do the stuff that every parent does.

One day if this carries on he will bleat about how he doesn't have a relationship with his children.

I couldn't be with someone like this but I believe a partner should be exactly that. It's up to you to decide the standards you want to live by. You seem to think that the resentment will lessen as the kids get older because it will get easier. As they grown there are less physical demands on you so eventually they won't need your help to go to the loo but there will still be the mental load. The mental demands on you will not change, as they get bigger it's more geared to wards play dates, afterschool avtivities, hobbies, friend's parties, exam revision etc.

Do not have further children with him. I would have a sit down discussion with him and try to understand exactly why he thinks it is OK to leave a baby in a wet nappy or not offer a child a drink. Tbh I'd have gone apeshit as it's just so unacceptable.

You aren't breaking the cycle though are you? This is what your children will learn,that it's mum's job to manage everything. You won't get any thanks for being a martyr.

We go to plenty of places, just … not at 430 in the evening!

So I knew I’d be held responsible and I am not disappointed. I think the thing is that it’s impossible in most average family homes to be oblivious to preschoolers running around no matter how much you might want to. (And they seek me out anyway.)

I am resigned to it by now. DHs dad is the same, just hyper focused on one thing and everything else ceases to exist.

Awful. Plus, the blueberries episode didn't just lead to a loose bowel, the poor baby probably had griping guts as well.
So your DH doesn't feed them properly, keep them hydrated, check their nappies or works with their sleep pattern? He is not a good parent.

The answer to todays was to go to the city yourself and let him 'keep them up' at home

It's going in the car that's the problem as kids just fall asleep 🤷‍♀️

I think he’s got better but that’s largely because the older child is able to verbalise his needs. But he still does mad stuff like taking them somewhere half an hour before tea and two hours before bed.

No they both have women who do for them and expect little back. Why have you never expected him to pitch in when he gets home? What happened before children? If he decides on a car journey at 4.30 why is it your fault? Your not his door mat is he so dense he's never noticed kids asleep in the car....no he knew he could get away with saying I offered to take them

Jannier - Because I CBA is the honest answer to that. I don’t want to make more work for myself. I have two very young children, a demanding albeit part time job and caring responsibilities on top of that plus a house to run. I can’t be adding to the load at the moment!

@butterfliesandbugs you should not be not leaving him with the children because it makes extra work for you.

you shouldn’t be leaving children with him, because he’s treating small children badly, it’s neglect.

It’s actually not about you, it’s about the poor children.

Shocking really.

Yep this, in such a short time he probably thinks you’re going to be there soon to sort it out

Thing is, it's fine for now, you say you'd rather just do it yourself. But next year it'll be worse. More so the year after that. And the next one. X amount of years. Then your oestrogen levels will drop and you'll suddenly look at him with sheer resentment. Then you'll divorce and wonder why on earth you left it so long. Different couple, same script, over and over and over.

I have children and know a lot of parents, I honestly can’t conceive of any of them not caring enough about their young kids to neglect their basic needs. It’s appalling and shameful.

Unpopular opinion but I genuinely believe there are many, many men like this out there. The simply cannot wrap their heads around the mental load it requires to take care of small children. There are also just as many children suffering through this type of neglect except it happens temporarily behind closed doors so you would literally never know. You would certainly not know if your best friend's husband left their baby in soiled nappies for too long, since it obviously got changed eventually. You would also never find out if someone's husband allowed their child to eat rubbish, unwashed or too much raw food all afternoon and they were up all night with an upset stomach. The child might be off nursery the next day but it gets written off as a tummy bug instead of adult neglect. Our local FB group is awash with stories of ex partners who didn't have medicine at home for a sick child and let them suffer for 2 whole days before returning them to the mum.

YANBU at all. Sadly, the expectation that fathers can take care of their children just as well as the mothers is simply not true for everyone. It's arguably more common with neurodivergent fathers who already struggle to meet their own needs, without the millions of small executive function tasks required for children on top. Divorce is often not the best option as these exact men are forced to take care of their children for even longer without any assistance. It results in lasting psychological damage and neglect for the children who didn't ask for any of this. Many women resign themselves to a sole caretaker role when they realise their partners are lazy pricks. At least this way, the children are the ones least likely to suffer.

He's neglecting his own children. Surely to gid he knows to give them drinks?

@arethereanyleftatall - I am confident things will get easier if only because they will eventually both be at school and I’ll have some free time in the week to decompress a bit! Being honest here I did seriously think about leaving last year (not just because of this but partly) but when I really thought about it I realised long term that would make life harder, no matter what MN may say.

Do you love him OP? Because at the very least he has absolutely no respect for you. Buggering off to the shed for hours instead of helping you with any of the things on your plate - nay, taking on his fair share of your joint responsibilities - shows you what contempt he holds you in.

I’m always fascinated when I see these threads. Did these men have a complete personality transplant on having kids, or was it always known they’d be like this, but for some women the desire to have kids is so strong they’ll have them with a terrible partner and father?

I can’t tell if YABU because you haven’t said (a) what you do, and (b) what he says in these situations.

If I found out that my husband hadn’t offered food/ drink and changed nappies- which is borderline neglect- I would have gone completely apeshit. He’d have been down at the GP for dementia, I’d have been sending links to parenting courses and he’d have been looking after them both days of the weekend with me supervising. I’d have made life utterly awful for him until he got it.

My own DH never did this- admittedly I don’t agree with the way he does everything but he knows that if he didn’t offer food/ drink and change nappies he’d be out on his ear.

But you've added to a load for life that your kids will copy if you had expected to be treated as an equal from day one life would be so much easier now. It's not going to get easier unless you start to be arsed you should both pull together and be able to relax together not have 3 children including one who thinks he's done his bit by an hour or two tinkering at DIY or gardening in a week....if you're lucky.
I'm shocked your surprised or standing by him saying it's not deliberate of course it is he's punishing you for having any child free time.

I'm not sure it would make your life harder long term, because although there may be significant practical/financial difficulties, your mental health may be much, much better.

I know this sounds weird from where you're standing, but the mental load increases x10 when they are at school. It's nearly broken my relationship too - but we're working on it.

It doesn't get easier as they get older. It changes - they can get themselves a glass of water - but if you're fully carrying the mental load now, that load gets a LOT heavier

Unless he has significant learning difficulties that mean he will never be able to safely parent unsupervised then he is a neglectful shit. This isn’t incompetence, it is abusive to not change a child’s nappy or give them drinks. I realise posters are trying to be helpful with the suggestion of alarms or lists but Jesus Christ. If he doesn’t know to offer small children food and drink then can he be trusted to operate a checklist? If a mother was giving the standard of care that he is then social services would be round fast than you can say ‘neglect’.

Letting children go hungry and leaving them in wet nappies? That's not weaponised incompetence, it's neglect.

You saw he is hyper focused on one thing - well yes, because YOU entertain the dc when he's doing DIY or whatever, you presumably don't let them bother him in the shed. But he's not doing the same for you. Wouldn't it be easier for you to cook dinner, do some housework or make appointments if you could focus on that one thing?

When you've got work to do, shut yourself away (maybe even in the shed!), lock the door put on noise cancelling headphones and leve him to it.

I really connot understand why you are letting him get away with this. It's not incompetence, it's laziness, and selfish preference. Of course he can deal with more than one thing at a time - if it was a work situation he would, or does he tell his boss he can't answer the phone because he's working on a spreadsheet (for example)? Women are not necessarily any better at multi tasking, but we manage to learn.

Not feeding a child, not giving them water and not changing their nappy for a prolonged period is neglect

A gazebo would make it difficult for them to see what you’re doing especially if you move it around