To not want to leave children with DH because it creates work for me?

[butterfliesandbugs]

I know I’m going to get a bit of an online flaming for this but I’m genuinely wondering how many of us are in the same position.

Our children are four and one (two in may.) And I need a break from them but I never get one because I just don’t like leaving them with DH. I do love him and he loves the children but he just can’t seem to plan ahead for when he has them and it creates work for me.

So some examples are

Not giving DS anything to eat and then when DS was hungry let him eat an entire pack of blueberries and then he had loose poos the next day and was sent home from preschool.

Not offering them drinks - this is a biggie as DS doesn’t drink enough as it is.

If I go out and they are in the house I come back and it honestly looks like it’s been ransacked .

Driving somewhere that’s a fair trek mid to late afternoon so someone falls asleep and is then up till gone ten.

Not changing DDs nappy when it’s wet (only dirty)

I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence. And I know one of the issues is he isn’t used to having them but I frankly CBA with the fallout for when he does!

I'm not flaming you for this. It's too pathetic for that.

But we’re not their servants are we!

Calculated helplessness - it's a well-known ploy. And the more you do, the worse it gets.

Go away for the day leaving him a list. When I get back I expect the children to have been fed/watered/nappy changed/played with/tidied up after (a bit)/had naps at appropriate times etc. See what happens.

But ....... when mine were small they had a Daddy Day every week - his day off and one of my work days, and things were done very differently on that day. I accepted that my ways and my rules were not the only way of doing things and he had a right to do things his way when he was in charge. When you are used to making the rules with the children it is not easy to let go.

@butterfliesandbugs - this is the phrase that leapt out at me from your OP:

”I know people will claim it’s weaponised incompetent and it honestly isn’t. Just incompetence.”

Is he similarly incompetent in every other area of his life, or, as I suspect, is he perfectly capable of learning to do something, when it matters to him? Does he work, and can he learn the skills he needs to hold down the job? Does he have hobbies or sports that he has learned to do? You say he is driving to the city to collect something - I presume he has learned how to drive perfectly safely and well - which proves that he can learn - and he simply is choosing not to learn how to take care of the children, to allow you some down-time.

I think that there is no reason - or excuse - for his incompetence, and he could learn if he wanted to.

I don’t know why you think it isn’t weaponised incompetence.

You are enabling to continue being like this. It’s your decision to make but it sounds like it is going to create resentment within your relationship.

It is also worth saying that whoever is usually/mostly the child carer does develop a sixth sense and (as mentioned above) the ability to anticipate things better. You cannot expect him to have these skills instantly. The more he does the better he will get at it.

Thank goodness somebody said it, this is child neglect.

He just doesn't see it as his responsibility.

He has no interest in learning how to do it.

Incompetence is not a fixed state. He could put measures in place to be better. He is actively choosing not to.

@butterfliesandbugs

you need to start going away for longer OP so that he can be confronted with repercussions of his inadequacies and therefore learn to be better. Enjoy your trips away 🥂

Please don't resign yourself to some of the neglect he is doing.
It makes you as bad as him

Set up alarms on his phone! 2 drinks, 1 meal, 1 nappy change.

Maybe times on a white board or post it notes. When he has done the task, wipe off or move the post it from 'To Do' to 'Done'.

Definitely increase the number of times you are leaving dc so he can learn to be a better, involved parent.
Shopping trip
Coffee with a friend
Visit to family(local?)
Hair cut
Swimming/yoga/gym

Without practice he will never learn @butterfliesandbugs show him some faith and belief!

None of us know how to parent when we become one.
BUT you learn pretty quickly unless you can't be arsed to

You are making a rod for your own back. If you worry that he won't do things while he has the children on his own, get him to practice now while you're in the house.

He will parent differently because he's their dad. And you have to allow that if you want a break from them. You have to step back and let him get on with it, even if he fails and especially if he has a different approach.

Are you guilty of thinking he doesn't do it well enough so you have to do it? He's not going to learn if you don't let him fail.

And if he asks for help, smile and show him. Teach him how to do the things he doesn't know how to do.

Exactly!

He is a disgrace!

Of course it's weaponised incompetence. He's doing it on purpose. Unless he is just plain stupid.

This. Not sure why you are condoning it either by not having a conversation with him about it. I bet he magically gets himself a drink. You've let your husband get too comfy and lazy, it needs to end today

It depends how bad these examples are. Not changing every single nappy isn't neglect. The child not having a drink for a few hours, not brilliant, but not the worst either.

Just leave a list of dos and don'ts with little square tick boxes works well when they can read! Reward him when you get home if all are ticked.

Ok @butterfliesandbugs I think this is a bigger issue than you think it is and it will get worse if you (as in both of you) don't tackle it soon.

My DH is very scatty and my son is autistic - I'm often stuck between a child who needs everything planned out/doing a certain way and a husband who goes with the flow, has an atrocious memory (as do both his parents) and finds multi tasking absolutely mind boggling.

However... My DH has always been an active parent. He changed the nappies, he does the meals, he takes D's out on his own. He does things differently to me but he does them.

I get feeling you can't step away - my son loves his dad but I am "his person" so it can be really hard and yes it does often feel it's not worth it. But that's mostly because of my son's needs and my own anxiety/guilt. I never doubt DH will care for him properly.

I think you need to separate "annoying glitches" from "borderline neglect" as a first point. So for me, taking them out and them napping in the car is annoying but it happens. It won't hurt once in a while, especially at weekends. Them playing at home and the house looking a bomb site is (for me) a natural thing. Happens to us every weekend tbh 🤣 As long as your husband is doing his bit to tidy up, I'd say that's ok. Get the 4 year old involved too.

But stuff like not changing nappies and not offering snacks/drinks is another level. He needs to set reminders. Or just listen to the kids cues and respond. It's really not hard.

Generally the more you do with your kids, the more "in a rhythm" you get so I'd say try little and often for now and see how they go. Saturday mornings at soft play or Sunday afternoon at home or whatever, while you go and do something for you or stay in bed at read or whatever.

It is weaponised incompetence and you need to stop letting him get away with it. Mine was pretty bloody useless but I just had to leave him to it. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions/inactions. Your resentment will fester and fester and you will grow to despise him.

Write him lists with timings if need be. Make him set reminders on his phone.

I imagine he holds down a job. How does he manage to do that and then be so utterly incompetent at looking after his own children?

This is more than weaponised incompetence - it is neglect and abuse.

Pretty much, although I missed the question by accident. He does do the DIY, garden, car stuff; it isn’t that he does nothing. But yes I do pretty much all the childcare and housework.

How does he manage his own self care? My DH can’t keep a schedule by intuition. It needs to be almost alarm based. So feed every 3 hours he can do. When they were in diapers, change every 2h plus poops. If they are up late, he has to deal.

The house will always be a disaster because his standards are different, but the longer he’s alone with them it becomes a more logical disaster.

So some days it feels like more work than it’s worth, but it actually isn’t. It’s healthy for all of us.

Unless he is equally incompetent in all aspects of his life, it is weaponised incompetence. Or possibly jusy common-or-garden sexism. He probably deep down thinks such things are women's job to think about. What an idiot.

So you've let him get away with the rare traditional "man" jobs while sitting on his arse most of the time ....why?