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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has new female friend

598 replies

Saladdays01 · 24/01/2025 22:38

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladdays01 · 29/01/2025 12:54

Thanks all.
After a lot of thought I decided the best way forward is to be friendly back to her and so have suggested to her that we all (emphasis on ‘all’ there) go for a drink together soon. She seems very keen to do this and has been messaging me separately too.
I’ve also spoken to dh and said I can only be honest and that I would find the two of them meeting up just together, especially over drinks, upsetting and makes me feel uneasy. And if he arranges anything with her then I would like to be part of it. He seemed ok with this and said they haven’t arranged anything separately anyway. Tbh it still irks me that she messages him links to songs and books etc but at least this way she knows we come as a package!

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 29/01/2025 13:12

this sounds sensible.

Original poster
Saladdays01 · 29/01/2025 14:05

KaleQueen · 29/01/2025 13:12

this sounds sensible.

Thanks, i didn’t want to create a situation of me vs them. And easier to keep an eye on things if I’m involved…

OP posts:
Greyish2025 · 29/01/2025 14:22

Saladdays01 · 29/01/2025 14:05

Thanks, i didn’t want to create a situation of me vs them. And easier to keep an eye on things if I’m involved…

Show quote history

I wouldnt trust her at all ( or him) at the very least it’s bad behaviour on both sides to have friendships like these ( lots of private one to one texting etc) with a member of the opposite sex when either party or both is involved in a relationship, she’s ignoring ‘Girl Code’ and I believe she knows it, you asking to come along would have been making this perfectly clear to her

3luckystars · 29/01/2025 14:32

Do and keep an eye on them if they start making fun of you or having ‘in jokes’ between them. Or she massively sides with you against him for optics. ‘Us girls’ type crap.

You and him are together, she is the third wheel and if it feels anny way off then don’t doubt yourself.

and do you actually need her as a friend?

Hugga · 29/01/2025 15:03

Alternatively, you could get her number, arrange to meet her on your own and tell her transparently to back off. I think she is manipulating your politeness and moving in on your DH in plain sight. Having been in a similar situation before I would be tempted to put the frighteners on her rather than playing nice yourself and by that I don't mean breaking her knee caps, more along the lines of saying, "You contacting my DH on a daily basis is completely inappropriate, these are my boundaries and if you are a genuine person I know you will respect them." Basically cut through the BS and give her some feedback. I would be very firm about it but not say anything outrageous. Then if she goes whinging to your DH you can just say that you were honest with her about how you are feeling and give him the same message about boundaries. If they both continue to relentlessly play friends then at least you know where you stand and won't feel like a mug watching things slowly play out. DH is probably in it for an ego boost at this stage I think she's the one with an agenda. Good luck!

MrsPeterHarris · 29/01/2025 22:41

You need to get your DH to add you to their What's App chat and make it a group, so that they don't have a separate chats! Nip it all in the bud now!!

TableTimesGo · 29/01/2025 23:40

Why should you have to police him.

Get rid of her, she's an intruder.

Missj25 · 09/02/2025 09:40

Lying in bed reading threads on mumsnet 😊

Know I’m a bit late on this one , but drinks alone OP , sorry but no way 🤷🏻‍♀️...
I’m sure your husband wouldn’t like if other way round either ….
Especially , this is all new , not like they have been friends always , that’s different..
Keep an eye on this friendship …No to the drinks anyway , that’s a given in my book ..
Taking work friendship a little too far …
keep us posted ! X

Original poster
Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 18:21

So my suspicions were right all along, they arranged a lunchtime drink last week (not asked me) when they were both off work, she clearly had too many and he must have walked her to the taxi stand. She gave him a hug which apparently looked like it turned into trying to kiss him. I only know all this because a work mate of mine was there with her boyfriend and she told me.
She said he stopped it and turned into a joke and left looking pretty awkward.
I am fuming - all along I have tried to be her friend and she’s been so friendly with me too.
Now I can see why. Haven’t said anything to him yet.

OP posts:
LoveTKO · 02/06/2025 18:41

Yes women’s instincts are amazing. I’d be fuming OP. Now is the time to say “the Friendship” absolutely stops now. No communication. And I’d expect him to be crawling apologising for meeting up with her without telling you. Tell him to just get some normal bloody friends, instead of younger women - weird!

KaleQueen · 02/06/2025 19:27

Well very good he stopped her. Not very good he went for drinks with her and didn’t tell you. Where did he say he was? Was it a general works drinks or just them? He has a lot to answer for and you have nothing to be afraid of bringing this up but do it calmly (and remember he did rebuff her) but still. Not okay to keep this from you. He’s probably realised you were right all along and feeling pretty stupid now.

Needmilkandbread · 02/06/2025 19:43

Did he stop her because he wanted to, or because other people were there to see?

Your husband has encouraged this by building a relationship and a bond with another woman who is not you.

I’m not saying that it’s gone further, or that he doesn’t regret that now, or that this isn’t salvageable…but I’d need to see him show some awareness of what’s happened and any hint of him defending her (ie it was just the drink etc) then I’d see it as him making his choice.

That friendship ends sharpish.

Missj25 · 02/06/2025 20:01

Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 18:21

So my suspicions were right all along, they arranged a lunchtime drink last week (not asked me) when they were both off work, she clearly had too many and he must have walked her to the taxi stand. She gave him a hug which apparently looked like it turned into trying to kiss him. I only know all this because a work mate of mine was there with her boyfriend and she told me.
She said he stopped it and turned into a joke and left looking pretty awkward.
I am fuming - all along I have tried to be her friend and she’s been so friendly with me too.
Now I can see why. Haven’t said anything to him yet.

OP , why did they organise a drink & not say anything..
This isn’t jumping the gun , but why ??
He knew you wouldn’t like that , but went ahead anyway & never said anything to you ..
She def has her sights set on your husband ..
It stops here ..
That’s what i would be saying if he were my husband…x

LemonLeaves · 02/06/2025 20:12

Presumably he hasn't mentioned it? It's a red flag - if he's genuine about keeping it above board then he should be telling you what's happened.

piccalili · 02/06/2025 20:31

Wow and he hasn’t mentioned anything to you about this? He arranged lunchtime drinks with her without telling you and then he hasn’t told you she tried to cross the line? I’d be so incredibly cross with him and not just her!!

Diarygirlqueen · 02/06/2025 20:38

Ah OP, sorry to read this update. I think your husband has encouraged this, women's intuition is rarely wrong.
He needs to end this friendship now, she's a right madam, especially after you making attempts to be her friend.
Stand your ground, hope it all works out x

outerspacepotato · 02/06/2025 21:03

Your husband has been keeping this from you again. He knew exactly where you stood, agreed, and went behind your back to meet the backstabber anyway. He's not trustworthy.

I would really be wondering if they have been meeting up and he only pulled away because he knew he'd been seen by your work friend. Whether just feeding his ego or an affair, you need to have it out with him. Gloves off.

Original poster
Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 21:07

We discussed it earlier and he has said she was upset about her ex and was talking to him about the situation. He said she was just a bit drunk and just laughed it off

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 02/06/2025 21:09

Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 21:07

We discussed it earlier and he has said she was upset about her ex and was talking to him about the situation. He said she was just a bit drunk and just laughed it off

Did he explain why he did what you asked him not to and went out drinking with her alone?

SpunkySquid · 02/06/2025 21:12

So he’s only come clean because you found out?

Original poster
Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 21:14

Sceptical123 · 02/06/2025 21:09

Did he explain why he did what you asked him not to and went out drinking with her alone?

Show quote history

He said it was no big deal, I wasn’t free (at work) and she just happened to be in the area and texted him last minute and he thought that would be fine.

OP posts:
TipsyRaven247 · 02/06/2025 21:17

Are you sure it wasn’t your husband who instigated the kiss? So often men hide behind the excuse that ' OW was drunk.'. What a cliché.
It’s the script, isn't it ?
Keep your eyes peeled for any odd changes in your husband behaviour.

Original poster
Saladdays01 · 02/06/2025 21:18

SpunkySquid · 02/06/2025 21:12

So he’s only come clean because you found out?

Said he should be able to go for a drink with whoever he wants

OP posts:
Greenphonecase · 02/06/2025 21:25

So did your husband admit that she had tried to kiss him? Or he is saying your friend got it wrong?

also I would want to see her text to see how ‘last minute” it was. Especially as they both had the day off.