Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

I wouldn't be on board with this no matter what, even if it's 'just' a friendship. Mr dh doesn't have female friends that he spends time with alone and messages etc, and if he did I wouldn't allow it, it would be me or her.

I’m a tad suspicious. Maybe she’s just looking to make new friends but married men aren’t the most obvious choice for that. Being friendly to the wife is a classic way is avoiding suspicion. Best keep an eye on this.

I think any decent woman knows you just do not do this with a married man, if you hadn’t been friends with him previously. You wouldn’t go near it with a bargepole.

For that reason I’d have my guard up.

No but this is an opportunity for her to make her boundaries clear and see what choices he makes.

She can tell him that she has no problem with him being friendly with female colleagues but she’s uncomfortable with him extending those collegial relationships to a solo-drinks kind of friendship with a single woman. It’s a level of intimacy with female friends that she’s not comfortable with and if there’s any attraction there at all, it’s starting to “tempt fate”.

That is not an unreasonable boundary to have. I enjoy the company of several male colleagues at work but that is as far as our friendships would go. I would not disrespect their partners or mine by trying to deepen the friendship unless say, both couples met at a company Christmas party and all got on famously. I would not pursue a one-to-one friendship with a man. Decades of experience has led me to the conclusion that it is actually extremely rare to see a wholly platonic male-female friendship and the only exceptions are usually where they have known each other for decades.

If he insists on having and developing this friendship, I would see it as a major red flag.

No I totally agree, but controlling who someone can has as a friend is an abusive trait I wouldn't condone. Having female friends is a no issue.

There is ALWAYS ONE who comes out with this stupid, nonsensical, LUDICROUS bullshit question! 🙄

Of course the OP wouldn't care if it was a male friend, because the male friend is not likely to want to shag her husband, and he wouldn't want to shag HIM. Even if the male friend was gay, the husband very likely isn't.

Stupid fucking tired old chestnut, comes up on here every single time!

@Saladdays01 Of course YANBU. She is after an affair and he is enabling her. This is the early days of an affair. You need to nip it in the bud now and tell him to stop the constant messaging. If he won't there isn't a lot you can do, but I would be getting my ducks in a row! I would not tolerate this shit.

As a pp said, the only woman my husband goes out for a drink with (alone) is me. Like fuck would I tolerate him going out with another woman alone, and messaging back and forth. Fuck that shit!

Tell him he can keep messing about with her as much as he wants if he wants to end up divorced. Say 'at least you can talk to her and see her as much as you like then, as you will be a free man.' Don't be that wife who is doing everything in the home and running around after a twatty husband, whilst he is pissing around with another woman, and making her his 'best friend!' Constantly messaging, and meeting up alone together.

Of course married men and women can be friends, but close friends and constant chatting privately and going out just the two of them??? Bollocks to that! Like fuck is that 'just friends.'

Personally I prefer the company of other women so I find the whole male/female friendship thing hard to gauge, but if you’re worried just go along to their drinks and watch their reactions. I can’t say I would be worried if I were you, since she does seem to be including you by messaging you as well.

I’m single and good friends with a single male colleague and have been for five years or so. We sometimes send Reels back and forth several times a day (in the evenings) and can message a lot and even late at night but also very often go days/weeks without contact with no issue.

We meet at the work canteen for lunch, often in a group, and go for coffee on our own as everyone knows we are closer. We have never been for a drink after work and I think that would probably feel weird for us. I’m mentioning all this as there has never once been a whisper of anything more from either one of us and I’m not sure I’ve ever even touched his arm or similar so I think we are naturally quite reserved in that way - we just get on well. He’s a bit like a brother to me. I’m only just thinking now how no one has ever suggested we are romantically interested with each other (to me anyway!) which is nice but there is a 10 year age gap so that might be why.

I think the above is quite unusual, there’s another male colleague who I get on well with too but he’s married and it feels quite different (almost less relaxed) and I’m far more boundaried with him - we’ve v rarely message outside of work and I would never ever want to give him the impression that there was an undercurrent from me as there really is not.

Disclaimer, I have wayyyy more female work friends that I’m close to but I’m just mentioning the male ones for note. There’s never been anything to hide in any of our messages so anyone could read any exchanges and see they are just pally and nothing more.

However, I’d definitely keep my eyes open if I were you. My friend had a close female work colleague who was single and she welcomed her into her home socially and had a group of people over and my friend went to bed earlier than her husband one evening and left them cleaning up after a while she went back downstairs to find him having sex with her friend! So I guess you can never tell what anyone’s intentions are.

I would be wary OP and also I think you should invite yourself along to the drink .

I think the fact that she is recently separated and perhaps lonely makes this more of an issue .
She could be 100 per cent genuine and she and your husband could be completely platonic now . But ...

However it is dangerous territory for an emotional affair and this is ultimately damaging, if not catastrophic to your own relationship.

It could also be one sided if there is any attraction . There may not be any attraction now but this could also grow .

I am separated and would not put myself in this position with a married man . I would be very careful to observe boundaries, friendly at work , group settings but not 1:1 .

But @Fantina you and your close male colleague are both single. Not the same scenario as the OP at all. Not even similar!

Going for a drink alone with this woman? That's called a date.

Texting outside of work about all and sundry? That's them getting to know each other and the buzz from constant contact.

Time he is investing in this new friendship is time taken out of your marriage.

Don't listen to the bullshit Cool Wives talking crap about men and women being just friends. He's not texting Ian from Finance at all hours is he?!

I'd sit back and watch what your DH does now, how he reacts when you ask about her or when he (inevitably) talks about her.

Sounds like hiding in plain sight.

100% this. ^ These husbands are never messaging Ian from Finance back and Forth are they?! (And going out alone for a drink just the 2 of them?!)

Like hell is this just 2 colleagues who are friends! And yeah, the 'cool wives' do talk utter shite! 💩

@SabreIsMyFave I only mentioned it to show how even though we both single and free to do as we please it is still only platonic. It isn’t only marriage/a relationship that stops people being attracted to each other.

Boundaries are so important in a healthy relationship. If people care about their marriage they maintain appropriate boundaries outside the marriage

Invite yourself along for the drink. His reaction will tell you a lot. So will hers.

Highlight to him if the messaging is getting intense. It can really erode a relationship and also create an intimacy with very little effort. It's why it is so problematic.

Suggest she might be depending on him too much and see how he reacts. You both owe it to her to make sure she doesn't get emotionally dependent on someone who isn't available

And I’m not saying I’d be happy in the OP’s situation, I certainly wouldn’t be.

Not necessarily. All it will do is highlight to OP's DH that she's massively insecure and doesn't trust him - all red flags of their very own.

There is no simple answer. I have some male mates from work, past and present, where we have spent time alone, drinks for example, and there has never been anything other than mates having a drink, and DH doesn't care. However, there are clearly plenty of people out there who have other intentions so I'd say trust your gut and also take her up on her offer of meeting up separately.

On the long thread from a few months back started by the OP whose DH had spent a huge amount of money on jewelry for his mistress one poster made a really interesting point about the actual time a lot of men spend at work , and with their work colleagues, as opposed to their family and their DW.

That when you factor in time spent at work, time socialising with work colleagues, time spent with hobbies such as the gym or golf, and commitment to friends and extended family , there is actually only a very small proportion of their time spent with their DW and DC.

So actually when you have colleagues, like this new work colleague, texting a married man outside of working hours, she is deliberately eating in to the limited time he has with his DW and DC and when he should be concentrating on them.

On that grounds alone I think carrying on messaging outside of work isn't appropriate. And that's even without the possibility of them arranging to go drinking alone together.

Yeah it’s too much. Feverish intimacy being enacted.

Its not abusive if you handle it reasonably

It's quite fair to say someone is eroding boundaries in a disrespectful way. If he wants to maintain lots of frantic friendships with single women he can leave and be single first.

She's not stopping him speaking to women, just stopping the kind of "early intimate relationship behaviour" that is a constant to and fro messages followed by drinks for just the two of them . I mean that's literally what the first weeks of my (completely above board) relationship with DH looks like

I have a male friend I message daily. Absolutely ZERO romantic interest in him whatsoever. Never have, never will. Just really good mates. Not to mention I'm still head over heels for my DH.

I thought we'd buried this frankly outdated view that men and women can't just be friends?

I’m married and have three male work friends (from different jobs- two married/one single), who I go out with (separately) for dinner, hikes, drinks, and the cinema/theatre. I have no intention of having affairs with any of them. My husband knows this.

I am now really good friends with one of their wives, and see her regularly because she used to message me separately.

Some people do have affairs, yes, but not everyone works like that. You know your husband best.

I can’t think that I’ve ever messaged a male colleague back and forth outside of work hours and about stuff that isn’t related to work (I’m in a very long term relationship). I’d feel weird doing this even with a particular colleague who is old enough to be my dad and is a genuinely very kind person. I would feel weird about it because we are both in relationships and I wouldn’t want anyone else (including him, colleague) to get the wrong idea about my intentions. Ask your husband to add you to their chat history - make it a group chat if it is completely innocent and she’s keen to be your friend too

Oh god please will the Cool Wives put a lid on it. Yes it's lovely and so cool for YOU to have cosy little friendships with your male colleagues. YOU can convince yourselves that this is so normal and that their wives as equally as cool as YOU.

Enough about you though, the OP here is feeling uneasy about the situation and is rightfully asking what she could do about it.