Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

No self esteem here. I think I'm quite attractive and clever. My DH just doesn't want random women texting and wanting him to meet them for drinks. Why can't you get that?

@Nursingadvice your final post just shows that you have not understood or seen even basically the points people have been making to you. Maybe this is why you persist in a relationship where you only see him once a month? Maybe he has tried hinting to you? Maybe he's doing a slow ghost? Maybe he does enjoy it ? Maybe he is a wanker? You can't be that much of a friend if he wants to see you only a month?

It's easy to see why there are so many <newly single> women setting their sights on married men to be their special confidante and special friend isn't it going by this thread . So disappointing.

If any of the married men I've worked with in the past had messaged me to ask me to go to the cinema or for cosy drinks just the 2 of us I'd have been 'wtaf?'

Your first post, "would message very frequently"

You have slightly back tracked now, meetings once a month, completly innocent.

Do you find this man attractive, not just physically but admirably, you met at work, is he still useful to you in some sense ? Why are you allowing him to triangulate his wife, why are you enabling him to have you as his confidant.

This can happen with all ages of men and women, it needn't be about sex although one party usually has adoration for the other. The thing is Nursy, whist you profess your innocense of not being in it for sex you are actively harming and making his wife's life hard. Fact.

We are in no doubt as to where your loyalties lie and I can only imagine how hard it has been for his wife to navigate her marriage whilst his most ardent fan stands on the sidelines supporting his every thought.
How can this man ever be a good husband when he has you to confide in, every argument, every disagreement, every deicision, he has you giving him support and validation, his wife must feel like she can't even be herself, because he will of course compare the reasonable you, hanging off every word he says, to her. Of course you are the cool girl, you have no reason to disagree with him, you don't live with him, have children with him or are trying to be a team making it work in a harsh world.
You are the fun friend who thinks he's great.

You are a carbuncle on their time together, you are a carbuncle on your time together, you are absolutely of no use to this woman's life of trying to bring up a family, I wouldn't stand for it, not for another day, the old statement of mind your own buisness springs to mind, you are his own personal flying monkey waiting in the wings giving him unconditional support.
You are no friend to his wife, you are her enemy, worse than the support of an overbearing MIL who can see no wrong in her spoilt man child son.

The fact he has continued to see you agaisnt his wife's wishes leads me to believe he is abusive and you are enabling that, let him go and teach him to navigate marriage without a 'gang' behind him that bullies his poor wife.

This is not about friendship.

👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

Exactly this @TableTimesGo 👏👏👏

(Sorry OP your thread has been massively derailed)

he would be doing her a favour if he backed off. She shouldn't be so reliant on someone. She needs him to back away so she can start to make other connections

This is brilliant. Frame it so that if he cares and wants to help her - encouraging her to seek other connections and support networks is the most practical (and kindest) thing to do. If he rails against this - red flag

Also, if you look at the article posted previously on men and women’s perceptions of their ‘platonic’ friendships - women may have the purest of intentions but the majority of men in studies don’t. There is always an underlying element of attraction in new friendships. So the women could be assuming all is above board unconsciously but it is encouraging these bored husbands to believe something new and exciting is possible and delude themselves. This isn’t laying the blame on these women but they really need to wake up and stop deluding themselves about the likelihood of the situation being interpreted differently by their new male friends - or even older ones, they who may be harbouring secret feelings for many years, even if they are in seemingly contented relationships with other people.

I'll be honest. I do find men seeking women friendships out of their marriage a bit weird. My DH adores me even after 20 years. We have multiple friends couples. We have such a busy social calendar with our friends. Who has time?

Why would you want to grab a coffee after a social activity with them? For most ppl it’s bc there is an attraction and they want to prolong time spent with that person. Of course you shouldn’t be suggesting this if there’s a chance they’re taken, and should ascertain one way or another if they’re single or not, for one thing out of decency to their partner, even if you don’t fancy them.

If they’re a cheating bastard you’d be pissed off they’re deceiving you if an attraction develops and were leading you on, but it doesn’t make it better, (whether you’re oblivious or don’t feel the same way) that you’re the one he’s cheating on his wife with, or trying to.

Have you never wanted to talk about a film or play you’ve just seen?! Rather than a desire to play footsie with someone you fancy? Really, some people’s mentality is very Carry On.

And I genuinely mean this, as someone who has wobbled towards men when emotionally vulnerable rather than opening up to my amazing female friends it took me a while to realise how unhealthy this habit was

Why do you keep posting this same lame and tedious comment? Some people's mentality is very 'Carry On?' WTF does that even mean? Do you normally constantly repeat things until people pay you attention? My 4year old niece does this.

Now you have had someone pay you attention for saying this. Go grab a Farley's Rusk and a glass of milk and have a nap.

.

some people’s mentality is very Carry On.

Although I like that phrase I wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by going for coffee with someone after a social occasion/activity, I should have asked. I assumed if you’d been to a social event with someone you would already know what their relationship status was, or if you met them at the event - well I couldn’t imagine just randomly suggesting coffee with a stranger after watching a performance where there is no prior interaction. Basically though, I wouldn’t just assume they were single. I’d try to ascertain that before presumptuously inviting them on what they or their partner could perceive to be a date.

I also wouldn’t want to embarrass them or me - even if I didn’t fancy them, it would be easy to assume I was interested in them if they were the opposite sex, or at least hoping to make a connection with them. If they were in a relationship and respected the feelings of their partner it would probably be uncomfortable for them turning the offer down, or else they’d have to explain they were already ‘taken’ so wouldn’t be able to, etc. But in the scenarios you describe I’m assuming you would know the ppl involved so would probably have an idea (if they were married etc) what the repercussions would be for them and their partner.

I don’t think my desire to discuss a film or play would outweigh the potential tension that ‘just going for a coffee’ would entail - the possible discomfort and anxiety for the partner and the negative reception for my ‘friend’. Add kids into the mix and that coffee could potentially cause damage to the home life of the whole family. You may feel I’m catastrophising and going over the top, but if a mother feels unsettled in her relationship with her partner and he in turn feels ‘hard done by’ and got at - that’s bound to cause unhappiness that children will pick up on and obv be affected by. Is the risk of such damage to other ppl’s lives worth it?

You just seem very focused on it all being about sex. Perhaps everyone on here is just way more hyper-sexual than I am. I could say ‘Mn sometimes has a very Saudi attitude to male-female contact’ if you’d prefer it.

I love the twisting of the narrative here

So now we partnered folk who dislike women intruders are also base rampant creatures who can't think of anything between male and females except sex and Benny Hill.
And you enlightened ladies who love the company of said taken men are such noble creatures who wouldn't dream of impure thoughts, just literary conversation and high art.

Well we must be low bar 😂

The insinuation that we are thick, crude and not very intellectual, very Carry On and a bit stoopid eh. We must be a bunch of fools.

By the way would you be keen on bumping into your own father in the cinema with an unknown woman sharing popcorn and looking as thick as thieves, with maybe them ambling on, arm in arm for a cofee and a chat afterwards, sound's lovely. You think mommy would like it or would she be devastated by being left home like Billy no mates ?

I don't know....
It comes from every angle, the excuses when really the animalistic behaviour is pretty obvious, many of these women do not respect other women's partnerships, they are essentially bullies nudging their way in because they don't feel threatened by the wife physically. Some even expect the males to protect them above their wives, such self entitlment.
You are like hyenas simpering around, chattering filling male's heads with ego boosting compliments hoping to get whatever you can get out of them at some other person's expense.
And there are always ulterior motives underneath the surface, always.

You actually know women don't like you, yet you persist on reiterating how your behaviour doesn't harm, hurt and destroy others.

Find your own mates to form bonds with, monogamy doesn't involve pair bonding with 2 women.

This is well said. Particularly the part referencing someone’s dad.

I think what maybe attracts these women to attached men is the fact that they get the benefits of dates - the male interest, the ego boost, possibly showing or saying he recognises when they’ve made an effort with their appearance, the enthusiastic laughter and agreement when they’ve said something witty etc - without the ‘messiness’ or expectation of sex. Let’s face it, it’s different when you go out with other women and that’s largely down to the fact there is no, or potential for any, sexual chemistry between you (heterosexual individuals). Things are more equal. Even if they appear equal on the surface of Emma dm women - “but he never pays for me, we always go halves, he’s never made a move or TOLD me that he fancies me..,” please. Not all men are stupid. That’s just wilful ignorance so you can plead no foul intentions when wives start to get pissed off or other ppl stat making comments. There is usually, not ALWAYS (no libido, asexuality, closet homosexuality) a sexual undercurrent, even if it’s is subconscious.

I’ve not read any posts on threads such as this where it’s a woman befriending a gay man and his partner feels threatened by their closeness. I wonder why that is.

So it’s gone from ‘lone women’ ‘targeting’ married men to ‘hyenas simpering round, chattering’? Look at your language — why the violence? I’ve emphasised I’m no sexual threat, and that I’ve been happily married for a long time.

Honestly, I’d love it if my father, who is in his eighties, had any living friends, but he’s autistic and has outlived his former cohort from his lifelong hobby. My mother would also be delighted, as he lives a very limited, routine-bound life, which limits hers. That really isn’t some kind of ‘gotcha’. Nor is whether I have an issue with DH’s female friends. He ran into one in the supermarket yesterday and they went for coffee. He came home full of entertaining gossip about an old workplace of mine.

I have no idea where you get the idea that women don’t like me. My closest friends are women. Some of them are married to my male friends.

I think it's invariably the opposite; men targeting newly single women than women seeking them out.

@Ratri I think some men aren't like your DH and I'm not saying neither is right or wrong.

My DH just wouldn't want to go for a coffee to catch up on some entertaining gossip. It wouldn't interest him.

Just because he's not interested in one to one women friends doesn't mean he just sees women as sex objects as a PP said. I think there is one woman golfer who might join the men for a pint/coffee after they've played and I'm sure/hoping he makes his beautiful colleague a drink sometimes. I think that's as far as he cares to have women friends out of our friend circles.

'Nor is whether I have an issue with DH’s female friends. He ran into one in the supermarket yesterday and they went for coffee. He came home full of entertaining gossip about an old workplace of mine.'

That fact that you cannot see the difference between this and constant messaging and arranging cosy drinks out says it all.

Bumping into people, having a coffee and a catch up fine. Saying hello to the postman fine. Socialising with men and women in groups after work, fine. Do i need to go on?

What is not fine is 'friendships' that overstep the mark. These as has been said repeatedly is seeking intense friendships with married men, getting a thrill from causing disharmony in their relationship, enjoying pissing the wife off, messaging constantly including late at night, constant attention seeking trying to be the married man's favourite. It is all so transparent to most people, except seemingly the women that do it .

But 'overstepping the mark' is purely subjective, and obviously that's up to you within your own relationship. DH flew out to Barcelona to meet a female friend I've never actually met (because she's a travel writer always on the move and they pretty much only ever meet if they coincide in the same place for work) in the autumn. That clearly would wreck the heads of many posters on here, but it's not a problem for me. I've similarly gone away for short holidays with a male friend before now, when we both wanted to go somewhere specific at a specific time. I didn't consult with his wife beforehand, because he's the one who is married to her. If there's an issue, it's his job to raise or resolve it, because those are his boundaries, his relationship etc. All I am responsible for is my own behaviour and my own boundaries, which include not shagging anyone other than DH.

Oh yes you're right every relationship will have its own limits and expectations. If you're happy for your dh to fly to Spain for a holiday with a woman thart you've never met then that's up to you. Most would not put up with this though, likewise you holidaying with a bloke is unusual. Still so long as you aren't both sexting all night and enjoying each other's displeasure at your trips well good luck to you.

@Ratri

"
I have no idea where you get the idea that women don’t like me. My closest friends are women. Some of them are married to my male friends."

You really don't know if they like you or not. None of us do. They could be thinking " oh FFS why doesn't she just piss off "

You always see these posts by women who think they are so so supportive to married men. The fact is though these single women saviours often have none of the experience of what their married friend is talking about and this is why there is this constant theme here of " it's not my job to check with his wife if it is ok. His relationship is with her. That isn't my job" blah blah.
The fact that they say this shows they are a person only interested in their self gain or severely lacking in experience of what a married situation is like - yes it's not a bed of roses all the time but that's life.