Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

I'm imagining it's the other way around. She is angling for an affair and he's encouraging it, even if he has no intention of actually cheating. It might be giving him a bit of an ego boost.

I do message my friends a fair amount though. Some are married, some are single, some are in relationships, some recently broken up. Male and female. We have WhatsApp groups or individual conversations that can easily last into the evenings, sending memes or talking about more serious stuff. My partner has similar with his friends but I don’t know the minutiae of who he’s texting as it’s none of my business as my phone activity isn’t his - I know who the friends he frequently talks to are but he also has newer colleagues he speaks to. This is another thing I don’t get about these threads, how do people who exactly who their partner is texting and what they’re saying unless they’re snooping on their phone or looking over their shoulder all the time?

You are quite correct being married does not give you ownership or control. Genuinely, I am sorry for what you have experienced in the past but I do wonder if you are projecting here.

Being married is about showing respect, love understanding and care. Amongst other things. It isn't about sexting a lonely singleton to boost each other's egos.

@Nursingadvice

" Comes from a place of complete paranoia and insecurity though. If you can’t see that then you are deluded."

Come on now - don't make us laugh 😂

Well, in my book it’s not respectful, loving or understanding to think you can dictate how your spouse conducts their friendships.

From my understanding it's just that you seem to be (in conjunction with her dh) hurting the wife / marriage.
And that a good friend would say 'look Fred , you are very dear to me, I truly value your friendship, but you must put your marriage/ wife first. )
It's not about the sex / potential sex.
It's about the intimacy/ closeness that should be going to his wife not you.
And yes she maybe genuinely controlling and trying to isolate hi from all his family/friends (unlikely as so far he's took no notice of her).

If I met a male friend and the first thing he said was ' I've left dw in tears because she wanted me to be with her today ' I'd feel awful, make a swift exit, and suggest he went and made up with her... it's not doing anybody any good.

Absolutely. My point is that it’s not my job to second-guess the dynamics of that marriage. I can say ‘Do you want a quick drink afterwards?’ to Keith. If Keith doesn’t want to or can’t, for whatever reason, he needs to say so. I’m not wrong to ask. It’s an invitation, not a summons, as is said so often on here.

It's like getting back to forbidding saying hello to the postman, no-one is saying that and no-one is 'dictating how anyone conduct friendships'.

What we are saying is constant messaging married colleagues away from the workplace is not appropriate, nor is going on dates. That is what you do before being in a committed relationship,

These usually newly single people chasing married men for inappropriate ego boosts/friendships are to be pitied and when they cause problems in relationships they need to back off.

Yes buy you add your little bit about " wondering about the dynamics of their marriage" . We all know what you mean by that when really it isn't any of your business.

@Ratri

Going for a drink with someone isn’t a date. Your misogyny towards single women is also really distasteful.

Was sexting an error? Because who has said that anywhere in this thread? I am not sexting anybody. Least of all my friends 😂

If you don’t trust your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, how is that anything other than insecurity?

A married man going for a drink with a single women is a date. You go out as group from work usually, or mixed friendship groups, not cosy twosomes.

I do not have misogyny towards single women just absolute zero tolerance for these text pests and their targeting of married men dressed up as 'i just want to be friends' bollocks.

No…it isn’t. Is it a date when two married/partnered bisexual women go for a drink? I must go on dates all the time then as I’m bi, I have bi friends, and also straight male friends that I see in the evenings, one on one, for drinks. Is it a date when my bi partner goes out with his gay friend? Only on MN is a completely innocuous activity like going for a drink automatically “a date” even when neither participant wants it to be a date or considers it a date.

@Nursingadvice
I've reported your post
Personal attack - calling someone deluded
And when you start calling people names and getting defensive, you've lost the argument.
Also insecure me had no boundaries.
Today - secure me does - and wouldn't put up with this crap - I now know my worth , and will not let other women put me back in my box.
No wonder these women don't like you want their dh to be friends with you.

You gave sort of just proved my point though . You are insecure due to a past experience, which is often the case. That doesn’t mean all friendships are bad and lead to affairs. Sorry you have experienced something bad, most of us have expect.
Had I not experienced genuine male/female friendships myself with nothing untoward in it maybe I’d feel the same. But I know with absolute certainty that my friendships are just that so I can take this stance and be secure in it.

Also quite hypocritical to come at me for using the word deluded when I have been attacked, called desperate and various other things. Maybe I should go and report all of those posts. But I won’t because it’s the internet and it’s really not that personal. Nobody knows me.

I can't comment on the dynamics of gay people going out with bi people, you could perhaps start a thread discussing that?

This thread is about married men getting targeted by usually younger, usually newly single women starting with non stop messaging. There's enough comments to see we've all experienced it either first hand or via friends and family. It isn't ok.

I suspect the usually younger/ usually newly single person possibly derives a thrill from causing disharmony in a relationship not that they'd ever admit that of course. They're too busy being wide eyed, innocent nothing to see here friends.

That’s hilarious. It’s a date if you’re auditioning the other person for a potential sexual/romantic relationship, or if you’re actually in a relationship with the other person.

I can assure you that if I’m going to a film with a friend of either sex, it is because they were the only other person in my life who shares my liking for black and white documentaries about Ukrainian Orthodox nuns or Sandra Bullock films. No one is playing tonsil hockey over the pick’n mix. It might involve a drink afterwards. Likewise, no footsie and double entendres over a pint/g and t.

Mind you, I was highly amused to see the cinema described as ‘date territory’, very firmly, in a Mn post some time ago. Not in my life.

Some people appear to live in a Carry On film.

@Nursingadvice

If you don’t trust your partner to have friends of the opposite sex, how is that anything other than insecurity?

It's that one friend in op's case who is texting constantly, planning one to one , is a new friend ship since this younger worker colleague has become newly single ( and is sniffing round a married man)

That's not insecurity- to irgnore it would be - Stupidity...

I understand that other people think differently. I’m merely pointing out that it’s not my job to second-guess the inner workings of other people’s marriages. If they tell me, fine.

@Nursingadvice
Ok - whatever.
Have a nice life.

These single women going out for drinks with married men are the ones being disrespectful to other women. Stop embarrassing yourselves because you look desperate. Find some single men.

You don't need to second guess, you've told us that you know it bothers them.

I've got loads of friends but I don't have the time or inclination to message them constantly.